


Long way down

by Mary_dutch



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Both Liam POV and Zayn POV, Friends to Lovers, Just a figment of my imagination, Liam is feeling quite lost, M/M, Slowly rebuilding a previous friendship, Story takes place in 2017, Zayn isn't too sure himself, smut in later chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:08:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_dutch/pseuds/Mary_dutch
Summary: Liam doesn't know what to do with his life after One Direction's hiatus. One night when he's feeling particularly down, Liam makes a phone call to the one person he hopes can help him get through this phase of his life.The midnight phone call changes more than either of them had ever imagined.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not know any of the members of One Direction, never met them, have no affiliation to them or their families. This story is just a figment of my imagination and is not true whatsoever. It doesn't portray how I think the boys act or feel in real life at all. 
> 
> The story starts in the summer of 2017, but it doesn't necessarily follow real life events. As such, girlfriends, or previous girlfriends, described in this story are not a portrayal of the boys' real life girlfriends. 
> 
> English is not my native language. I apologize for any mistakes - grammar, spelling, or otherwise, in advance.

  
The point of no return  
And now it’s just too late to turn around

I try to forgive you  
But I’m struggling ‘cause I don’t know how

We build it up so high and now I’m falling  
It’s a long way down  
From here  
Such a long way down  
From here  
It’s a long way down

_Lyrics from: One Direction – Long way down_

Well, Liam thinks, as he watches his girlfriend’s – now _ex-girlfriend_ , his mind helpfully corrects – retreating back. That could’ve gone better. 

In fact, that could’ve gone MUCH better. 

At least she hadn’t thrown things at his head. Still, he probably hadn’t handled that as well as he should have. 

Liam flinches at the loud ‘bang’ when the front door of his house slams shut. For a few moments, he sits on the couch completely still, the silence a sharp contrast with the yelling of the last half hour. 

Another failed relationship.

_“I’m done, Liam. We’re done. I don’t want to be the only one investing in this pathetic excuse of a relationship.”_

Remembering the harsh words makes Liam shiver again. He doesn’t blame her though. The words have some truth to them after all. He had liked her well enough, he had enjoyed her company and the sex had been satisfying. But once again, it hadn’t been enough. Liking her hadn’t been enough to fill up the emptiness and loneliness he sometimes felt inside him. It hadn’t been enough to keep him from feeling restless. It certainly hadn’t been enough for her. She deserved more and they had both known it. They had both known they wouldn’t last. They had both known he was waiting for her to call it quits. Today had been the day she’d reached her final straw and after yet another fight, she had walked out the door. 

If he’s completely honest, the idea of losing _someone_ , of being alone again, hurts more than the idea of losing _her_. 

There had been moments where Liam had caught her looking at him, a look in her eyes that was hard for him to read. She could look at him with a mixture of longing and sadness, because she’d known all along that he was not as committed as she was. The last few months, resignation had been added to the full scale of emotions in her eyes when she’d looked at him. As if she had finally accepted he would never fall in love with her, like she had fallen in love with him. As if she had given up waiting for him to start feeling something more. 

Liam’s chest constricts painfully at the idea that he had broken her heart. At the idea that he had broken another heart. It’s never his intention, but somehow the girls he dates always seem to feel more for him than he could feel for any of them. Sometimes, Liam feels like he keeps setting himself up for failure beforehand. He had seen some of his mates fall in love. He had never felt what they had described feeling. He was only 23 years old, but he had given up on the idea that he was capable of having those feelings for a girl a long time ago.

Hence, another failed relationship because he had let someone down. 

His chest constricts further, like an invisible band is being pulled tightly around it, as loneliness overtakes him. It’s a feeling he’s used to, that has been with him for the last two years – and has been so much more prominent since the band’s hiatus. No matter how used he is to that feeling simmering inside of him constantly, realising he’s completely alone _again_ , makes it hard for him to breath. 

Liam scrambles for his phone, unlocking it and scrolling through his contacts. As if on autopilot, he finds a name at the bottom of his contact list – the list being ordered alphabetically. 

_Zayn Malik._

The fact that Zayn is still the first person he thinks to call when he feels like he’s suffocating and he’s subconsciously looking for someone to talk to, looking for a confidant, makes it even harder for him to breath. 

It’s been over two years. More than two years since he and Zayn had a proper conversation, a conversation that hadn’t been filled with awkwardness. It still baffles him how they went from proper best mates to nothing. 

Now is not the time for _that_ particular pity-party though. No need to add to his self-inflicted misery just yet. 

Liam finally gets off the couch and slowly makes his way into his kitchen. Looking around in the modern kitchen, he suddenly can’t remember why he bought the house in the first place. It had given him something to do in the first months after he and the three other boys called it quits, had gone their separate ways for the band’s hiatus. The house has everything he could ever want or need in a house, but it still doesn’t feel like a proper home to him though. 

He thinks it’s another sign of how lost he’s feeling.

God. He really is pathetic.

He grabs the first bottle of liquor he can find in the cupboard where he keeps the drinks that don’t need chilling in the fridge. The irony of the particular bottle he finds himself with almost makes him laugh. The choking sound that comes out of his mouth is a far cry from laughter though. Liam is holding a bottle of Irish whiskey, a gift from Niall when he last saw his not-quite-so-blonde-anymore former bandmate. 

Liam pours himself a glass of the amber liquid, puts the bottle on the counter, turns around to walk back into the living room, changes his mind and takes both the glass and the bottle with him back to the couch. 

He knows he’s having a pity-party, but he’ll allow himself to do just that tonight. Tomorrow, he’ll figure out how to snap out of it, but right now he just wants to wallow in misery. After a big sip of whiskey – really not his favourite drink, he realises when the hard alcohol makes him cough a little – he grabs his phone. When Liam unlocks it, it is still set to Zayn’s contact details. 

He downs the rest of the whiskey in one go and shrugs, even though there is no one else to see. It would be so easy to press ‘dial’. It’s not the first time he thought about calling the other man – it might even have happened too many times in the last two years – but he had always chickened out. Right now, in his dark living room, he can’t find a reason to coward out this time. 

There’s no reason he can’t call, right? 

Before Liam can question himself again, he presses the green button, holding his breath. 

Bitter disappointment falls over him just seconds later. 

Disconnected. 

Of course, Zayn doesn’t have the same number as he did over two years ago. Each of them had to change their number multiple times since their first tour years ago. Liam alone went through at least seven phone numbers in just the last few years. It’s a hazard of their profession. For a few seconds, he stares into the dark. 

Then he makes a decision. Something needs to change in his life. His mother always told him unresolved fights would eat at you slowly. Maybe that’s what has been happening the last few years. Perhaps it’s time to bury the hatchet. Maybe making peace with Zayn will be the first step to accepting his life as a member of One Direction is – most likely – over. They will never be able to go back to the way they were; Liam’s older, the other boys are older, their fans are more mature. Harry just planned a major solo-tour, which means it will be at least another year before they can get together to even talk about options. 

Zayn had managed to leave the band behind him. Perhaps working things out between him and Zayn will help him move forward as well. 

Within seconds, Liam has texted his personal assistant – an assistant he sometimes wonders why he still has her, as he’s hardly doing anything useful with his time right now – with the request to find Zayn Malik’s current phone number. It only takes 30 minutes, and four more glasses of whiskey, until Liam receives a text back, consisting just of an American phone number. Liam is thankful for the lack of questions, although he has a feeling the questions will come eventually. 

He saves the number on his phone, downs one more glass of whiskey, tries to remember the time-difference between the U.K. and the U.S., wonders if Zayn is even in the U.S. right now, and decides not to care. 

This time, he is not disappointed. Not completely at least. The number is not disconnected, but after a few moments of dial-tone, the call goes to an automatic voicemail. With a sigh, Liam throws his phone on the couch next to him. He doesn’t know what he hoped for, but leaving a message isn’t it. Instead of going straight back to the whiskey, he drags himself to the kitchen again to grab some chips and a bottle of water. He downs the water in one go and slowly makes his way back into the living room with the bag of chips in his hand. 

After an hour of absentmindedly flipping through channels on his television, eating the complete bag of chips and sipping two more glasses of whiskey, Liam feels a bit lightheaded. He’s definitely tipsy, verging on the edge of being drunk. Instead of doing the right thing and going to bed, he unlocks his phone again. 

One more try couldn’t hurt, could it? 

Liam holds his breath as he listens to the dial-tone, releasing it with a harsh sound when he hears a familiar voice utter a hesitant ‘hello’ on the other end of the line. 

“Ehm?” Liam suddenly finds it a bit hard to breath. He doesn’t know what to say. Hell, he suddenly can’t remember why he called Zayn in the first place. Yet, despite the nerves, hearing the other man’s voice questioning him settles something in his stomach. He can do this. 

So, Liam takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing. 

“Zayn?”


	2. One

Zayn sighs in relief when he enters the air-conditioned building. Despite the fact that the walk from the parking lot to the entrance of the studio barely took a minute, he can already feel the hint of sweat prickling on his forehead. Zayn is not sure what he despises more, heat or coldness. Before he moved to L.A., he used to hate the air-conditioning. He was used to English weather, where the temperature hardly rose above 25 degrees Celsius. Plus, he tended to be cold more often than warm anyway. He had been more used to the heating than cooling of a building. After living in LA for almost two years, he finally learned to appreciate air-conditioning and he’s actually happy that most buildings offer some relief to what he thinks is sweltering heat. 

Just as he’s about to enter the actual studio his management rented out for the recording of his second album, Zayn feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. For a second, he thinks about answering, but then he decides against it. He is already pushing it, just a few more minutes and he will actually be late. Again. If it’s his mother calling – or anyone else from his family – they will realise he is busy and he’ll call them back as soon as he can. He does feel a pang of home-sickness when the phone goes back to being silent. The feeling has little to do with his phone and more with the fact that he still isn’t very good at being a functioning human-being without his family close by. Despite being an adult now.

No matter how much he loves living in L.A. and loves recording, there’s not much that beats spending time with his family.

Zayn barely has time to ponder on his feelings, because as soon as he opens the door, he is swept up in the motions of the recording studio. He is not surprised he is the last one to arrive. After a nod at the people behind the deck and dropping his keys and phone on a small table against the side wall of the studio, he slips into the small recording booth. He grins at his producer, while putting on the headphones. “Where we left off earlier?” 

Zayn receives a nod and a thumbs-up in return, before music starts blaring in his ear. There’s a paper sheet with the lyrics on a stand in front of him, but he doesn’t need it. He wrote the song, he knows the lyrics by heart. 

This time around, he’s actually enjoying going through all the motions of making an album. All of them. The writing in solitude, the recording, listening to the producers explaining their process and what they can do to improve the songs. He had been too nervous – and to be honest, still quite confused – when he recorded his first album. It had been scary doing it on his own and even more scary to imagine people’s reactions to it. 

And the albums before that… He and the other boys barely had time to breath, let alone enjoy actually making an album. Everything had to be done between shows, on the road or in different hotel rooms. More so, the songs hadn’t really been their songs. Going through the whole process right now, without the nerves of his first album, made him realise how much he enjoys working in the studio all day. 

They work on a bridge of a song that Zayn thinks will fit nicely as the closing song on his album. Most of the songs have been recorded, but because of the producing, there are some parts Zayn wants to do differently. The particular bridge he is working on right now, is not something he is happy with quite yet. He is just about to ask for a break, to clear his head and to brainstorm with the others about why it isn’t sounding quite right, when his producer shuts off the music.

“Malik, your phone is ringing.” 

Zayn groans, welcoming the break but not wanting to get out his working-mood, yet he makes his way out of the recording booth. Someone hands him his phone, and Zayn mumbles his thanks as he looks at the screen. It is an unknown number, yet not a private one. Which is odd. Unknown numbers always make him a bit wary. Especially when they are not set to private, because no privacy setting usually indicates it is _not_ a business call. The fact that it is a British number sends an unpleasant shiver down his spine, but he forces himself to calm down. If something had happened to one of his family members, someone else in the family would have contacted him. It is likely a business call or a fan who somehow managed to get their hands on his phone number. He answers the phone a little hesitant. “Hello?”

“Ehm.” 

It’s a male voice, if the deep, brief sound is any indication. It’s a relief it is not a screaming fan – he loves his fans, but having someone scream into one’s ear and having to change one’s phone numbers again gets old really fast. Zayn remains quiet for a moment, giving the other person a chance to say something. When it stays quiet, Zayn bites his cheek to keep himself from snapping. “Can I help you?” is what he says instead. 

“Zayn?”

As soon as Zayn recognizes the voice, it seems as if everything around him freezes. All his attention is suddenly focused on the small device against his ear. 

Liam. 

Why is _Liam_ calling him? 

Fuck. 

“How did you get my number?” Zayn realises how snappy his voice sounds when he hears an intake of breath on the other end of the line. He doesn’t mean to sound so irritated, but he is completely caught off guard at the moment. He is confused. Liam is the last person Zayn expected to call and his confusion makes him snap. Liam used to be able to distinct Zayn’s nerves from Zayn actually being annoyed, but the stutter Liam lets out shows that this is no longer the case. “I don’t mind.” Zayn says quickly. Too quickly, because he is not even sure if it is the truth. “I just…” His voice trails off. He motions at the door, waiting for his producer to nod his okay at Zayn leaving the studio. This is not a conversation he wants to have with people listening to him. With slightly unsteady legs, he makes his way out of the studio and into the first empty office he can find while Liam starts rambling. 

“I asked my assistant.” Liam says. “I guess she pulled some strings, because she got me your number quite fast. She must have gotten it from your management. I’m surprised they didn’t tell you.” 

“So am I.” Zayn mutters. Clearly, he did not say that softly enough, because Liam inhales sharply again. 

“If this is a bad time? Or if you don’t want to talk to me, I-”

“Liam-” Zayn interrupts. He hates the way Liam’s voice is dripping with hesitation. He hates that things are so uncomfortable between himself and Liam at the moment. Have been uncomfortable for years. “It’s fine. Really.”

He hears Liam take a deep breath. “Okay. Good.” Liam’s voice is a bit steadier now. “How are you?” 

Zayn almost starts to laugh at the absurdity of the question. They haven’t spoken in two years, Zayn doubts Liam is calling him because he wants to know how Zayn is doing. Zayn picks at his nails, not knowing what to say besides answering Liam’s question. So he does. “I’m good. Recording my album. I’m actually in the studio right now.”

“Oh.” 

The word is said more clearly than anything else Liam has said, and even though it’s hard to hear emotion in a word of one syllable, Zayn is surprised at how Liam manages to pour so much in that short word. The hesitant, soft tone of Liam’s voice is replaced by something much harder, with more venom. Zayn would think it was jealously, if he didn’t know jealously was _not_ one of Liam’s faults. Zayn doesn’t get the chance to comment on it though. 

“How is that going?” Liam asks, his tone softer, but it’s still doesn’t sound like Liam. 

“It’s going okay. Should be done in another month or so.”

“Congrats.” Liam says, but even through the phone, Zayn can hear it is not wholeheartedly. It seems Liam is determined to keep the conversation going however, his next question about Zayn’s family. Zayn gives a brief summary of how his sisters are doing. It is all Liam needs to go off into a vivid story about his own sisters. It takes Zayn a few moments, but listening to Liam he realises why Liam still sounds off. Liam is slurring a bit, and talking slower than usual. It is also the almost the middle of the night in London. Zayn interrupts Liam midsentence. “Liam. Are you drunk?”

“Not really. I mean, I had a few drinks. This whiskey Niall brought me. But I had some water and chips as well, and-”

“Leeyum.” 

The name rolls off his tongue like it had not been more than two years since he last used it. Zayn’s heart jumps a little when he hears Liam’s soft gasp, but the familiar nickname has the desired effect. It is scary how some things have not changed, even after two years of barely any interaction. How he can still ground Liam when he goes on one of his rambles by just saying the younger man’s name drawn out like that, using the accent Zayn grew up with but has toned down significantly while in the U.S.. Zayn continues, trying to keep his tone of voice as soft as possible. “Why did you really call me?” 

Zayn holds his breath, hoping that Liam will not take his question the wrong way. Liam’s next sentence proves Zayn’s question is what Liam needs to get to the actually reason he picked up the phone and called someone he hadn’t talked to for such a long time.

“I don’t know what to do with my life.” 

Zayn’s chest hurts a little at how dejected Liam’s voice sounds. Liam used to be all sunshine, always being able to look at the bright side of life. It is a far cry from the Liam he is talking to right now though. The pit of Zayn’s stomach clenches at the thought of Liam sitting alone, seemingly no one nearby to offer some comfort. “What happened?” 

“My relationship fell apart.” Liam says. Zayn stays quiet, to give Liam some time to gather his thoughts, find his words. “I…” 

“It’s okay.” Zayn mumbles in what he hopes is an encouraging manner when Liam is silent for at least another ten seconds. It scares him how in a matter of just five minutes, the need to make sure Liam is okay is back full force. It had been something that he’d carried with him ever since meeting 16-year-old, curly-haired Liam. It had always been on the front of his mind when he was still in the band. He had managed to supress the feelings the last two years, but just one phone call and he was falling back into old habits. 

Like an addict. 

Pushing back his own thoughts, Zayn focuses on the laboured breathing on the other end of the line. For a second, Zayn wonders how worried he should be right now. Being drunk and alone could be a hazard if Liam was really depressed. “Liam?”

“I hate this fucking hiatus.” Liam almost chokes on his words. “The others look so happy spending time with their families or making their own albums. I hate how they keep saying they can finally make the music they want to make. Like the things we did in the band was something that was forced upon us.”

“Liam…” Zayn doesn’t know what to say to that. Liam just described how Zayn himself had felt when he was still part of the band. Zayn had felt like his own identity was much less important than the boyband-image they had to portrait. He had hated how the songs each of them had written couldn’t be on their albums because management felt “it didn’t fit their fan-demographic”. Zayn understands what the other boys mean when they say they can finally make the music they want, but he figures it is not what Liam wants to hear right now. 

“I know why they say it,” Liam continues, “but it makes me feel like the last years were just a lie. It wasn’t to me. I loved it. And I miss it. I miss _them_.” 

“Li-”

“I feel so fucking alone all the time. I miss them.” Liam sounds like he’s crying by now. It seems the alcohol is finally taking a real effect. Zayn has no clue how to deal with this version of Liam. So Zayn does the only thing he can think off, something his mother always told him to do when Zayn was worried about someone else being sad. ‘Don’t assume you know what they want or need, Zayn. Ask them what they need, so you can help.’, was the advice his mother would give him. It was advice that had never lead him astray, even though he hadn’t always been able to meet the reply’s he’d received as a response to the question. But he would try for Liam. 

“What do you need, Liam? What can I do?”

Liam takes an audible gulp of breath at the question. “I don’t know. I just need something to do with my life.”

“What do you want to do?”

“That’s the fucking problem. I don’t have a clue.”

The answer makes Zayn smile a little. At least Liam doesn’t sound like he’s close to crying anymore. This is something Zayn can deal with through the phone. “Music?”

Liam’s answer is short. “I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“School?”

Zayn knows it’s an unlikely option, but he has to try. Liam’s quick ‘no’ is just what he expected. Unlike what a lot of people think, Liam loves learning new things, but school had never been his thing. Liam was more of a ‘learn-as-I-go’ kind of person. So, Zayn tries something else. “Television?”

“You and I both know I talk to fast for that.”

The reply makes Zayn chuckle. But he’s not giving up now. “A vacation?”

Zayn’s question makes Liam snort. “I’m on an indefinite vacation right now, Zayn. I don’t need another one.”

“But have you actually gone somewhere? Get out of London for a bit. A change of scenery.”

The silence on the other end of the phone is telling. Zayn knows Liam is contemplating his question. “Not really, no.”

“Maybe that’s what you need, Liam. Just a change of pace. It can be a first step.”

For the first time since Zayn answered the phone, he hears Liam chuckle. “The first step to a whole new me, you mean.”

“You said it.”

“It would be nice to stop feeling like I’m stuck.” Liam sounds uncertain again. “I have no idea where to go though. Any advice?”

An idea forms in Zayn’s head, slowly but surely. It would be risky. He has no idea how Liam will react to the suggestion. He has no idea how it will be for the two of them to spend time together. They hadn’t seen each other for such a long time, both of them had clearly changed. 

His idea could turn out to be the clusterfuck of the year. 

It could also just be what Liam needed. They had been best mates for years. Hell, Liam had been the other person Zayn had trusted completely, besides his family. That bond could not be gone completely, could it? And Liam _had_ called him, after all. So, for once in his life, Zayn decides to throw caution to the wind. 

“Why don’t you come to L.A?”


	3. Two

Liam fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt as he leaves the airport warily. He hopes he won’t be recognized and that he can make it safely inside the car he ordered with a service Zayn had recommended. The last thing he needs right now is the paparazzi to know he is in L.A.. In fact, he doesn’t want anyone to know where he is at the moment or who he’s meeting. 

He had only told his mum where he was going and for some reason she hadn’t seem surprised at all. She’d been kind, as she always was, and had told him to have a good time, give Zayn her love and most of all, talk things through. It was no secret to Liam that his parents, especially his mum, had been feeling hurt as well when Zayn had left the band. His parents had felt responsible for all the boys – teenagers thrown together into a world where they couldn’t really be teenagers anymore. He knows how worried his mum was back then and he doubts it was any different for the other parents. Zayn’s decision to leave had not only shaken him, but it had been emotional for his mum as well. 

It’s not that Liam intends to keep him meeting up with a Zayn a secret, but he’s still trying to work things out for himself. Things between him and Zayn are complicated enough as it is, he doesn’t need anyone else to get involved and confuse things even further.

When he steps out through the sliding doors, into the waiting area where the car is supposed to pick him up, the heat hits him like he’s walking into a brick wall. Liam takes a few seconds to bask in the sunshine, closing his eyes and tilting his head towards the sky. After a few breaths, the warmth wraps around him like a comfortable blanket. He always loved hot weather and he had been often disappointed there’d hardly been any time on previous tours to enjoy the tropical weather of countries they’d visited. Liam catches himself smiling softly as he remembers a text Zayn send him yesterday, telling him to bring summer clothes, because ‘the fucking heat is unbearable’. 

Ever since their phone call last week, Liam and Zayn had texted each other regularly. Most texts were meant to work out the specifics of Liam coming to L.A., but there had been a few texts in between where each of them had tentatively tried to pick up some things of their previous friendship. Liam had send Zayn some pictures of his house, pictures of a few comics he wondered if Zayn had read – when Zayn told him no, Liam had immediately put them in his bag to give to Zayn later – and some pictures of ordinary things he had come across the last week, things like his black morning coffee to show Zayn he finally learned to appreciate the bitter taste, an actual book he was trying to read or his neighbours’ new puppy. Zayn had responded to each message with bits of information about his own life. It was nice getting reacquainted with Zayn, but it had done nothing to quench Liam’s nerves about actually seeing Zayn again. 

Liam gives himself a few more seconds to enjoy the sun on his skin, before he starts to look around for the rented car. It takes him a few moments to find the right driver. The man he’s looking for is holding a sign with the company’s name on it – never Liam’s own name, of course – and smiles gently when Liam walks over to him. Liam extends his hand and the driver introduces himself as Jack. 

“Welcome to L.A., Mr. Payne.” Jack says, waving away Liam’s suggestion at using Liam’s first name. “I’ll take you to Mr. Malik’s residence now, if you are ready to leave?” 

Liam stares as Jack takes his small travel bag, puts it in the trunk of the car and opens the door in the back of the car for him. After a moments, he jolts into action and slides into the car. It had been months since Liam had been treated like this, someone else taking care of his every need and it makes Liam feel a bit uncomfortable. He would have gladly rented a car and driven himself, but Zayn had insisted on using the car service. It would be more anonymous. Plus, Liam could use Zayn’s car if he wanted to go somewhere. The luxurious car and the driver are a reminder of his previous life though, and Liam can’t quite figure out how that makes him feel. 

The drive to Zayn’s house takes a little under 45 minutes. Liam uses the time to take in the view from the car window, but he's mostly trying to calm his nerves. He tells himself over and over again that there really is nothing to be nervous about. Before he can succeed in his mission to relax, the car stops in front of a large gate. The neighbourhood seems to be designed to give people privacy. All Liam can see are gates and long driveways. Most of the houses are out of direct view from the road. Once the gate opens, Jack drives the car up the driveway. It’s a much shorter ride than Liam expected, the property near the road but cleverly hidden by a few well-placed trees. It provides a lot of shade, which Liam knows Zayn doesn’t mind. 

Liam waits until Jack opens his door for him. It gives a few extra seconds to breathe deeply. He barely stepped out of the car and muttered his ‘thanks’ to Jack, when the front door opens. Liam takes another deep breath before he turns around. His eyes immediately find Zayn and Liam takes him in from head to toe. 

Zayn looks good. Really good. His hair is longer again – Liam had seen the pictures of Zayn after he cut his hair off after leaving the band – and the ends are blond. It seems there are more visible tattoos as well. Zayn is wearing a simple t-shirt which falls loosely around his frame, so the tattooed sleeves on his arms are prominently visible. Just like Liam’s own, the sleeve actually reaches Zayn’s hand. Unlike Liam though, Zayn has sleeves on both arms, as well tattoos peeking out over the collar of his shirt. It makes Liam itch to see more. 

Zayn’s face is fuller too. The prominent cheekbones are still there, but his face doesn’t look sunk in like it had in 2015. In fact, Zayn whole body looks more filled out. Zayn will always have a wiry frame, compared to Liam’s broader one – even though Liam himself had toned up considerably in the last year – but Zayn looks good. Fit. Bloody gorgeous, actually. 

It knocks the breath right out of Liam’s lungs for a second or two.

Zayn breaks the silence. “Liam.” 

“Ehm. Hi.” Liam’s voice is high-pitched and he feels his cheeks redden when Zayn’s eyes roam his body. Slowly, Zayn’s lips curve into a soft smile and the other man takes a step forward. Liam is a bit hesitant what to do next, but Zayn actually laughs lightly when he pulls Liam into a hug. “Good to see you, mate.”

Liam inhales deeply as he buries his face in the curve of Zayn’s neck. It’s all so familiar, the way his body melts into Zayn’s embrace and the way Zayn smells, that a pleasant shiver runs up and down Liam’s spine. “Thanks for inviting me.” He mumbles against Zayn’s skin. 

Zayn tightens his arms briefly before letting go and stepping back. They stare at each other for a few seconds, before Zayn laughs again and shakes his head. “This shouldn’t be so bloody awkward.”

Liam’s cheeks heat up again, but he shrugs nonetheless. “Guess it’s been a while.”

“Yeah.” Zayn bites his lip. “Inside?”

“Yeah.” Liam follows Zayn into the house. Liam is a bit surprised by the white, sterile walls and the light wooden furniture. It’s not quite what he expected. Zayn’s previous house in London had been full with random things, colour splashed on all the walls. A vast difference with the clean, light air of this interior design. Zayn motions for him to leave his bag at the bottom of the stairs, before walking deeper into the house. Zayn gives Liam a quick tour of the ground floor. The pool in the garden is visible through the living room window and Liam eyes it longingly. He making a mental note to use it at least once in the few days he planned to stay in L.A. 

Zayn’s sudden stop in front of a closed door interrupts Liam’s thoughts about the pool outside. He raises one eyebrow at Zayn’s uncomfortable stance. 

“This is my studio.” Zayn mutters. “I don’t know if you want to see it?”

“Sure.” Liam replies quickly and he adds a smile to be more convincing. He remembers the way he reacted to Zayn telling him about the second album and he feels a bit embarrassed that Zayn apparently picked up on his quite obvious envy. 

For another second, Zayn seems hesitant. Then he swings open the door and Liam follows Zayn inside. The room is filled with all the equipment needed to record music. Liam spots a few instruments as well. The whole room is covered with comic-figures, stickers plastered on the walls and instruments or figurines, signs and other memorabilia on the shelfs and in the corners. This is what Liam missed in the rest of the house. This room is so distinctively Zayn, so recognisable whereas Zayn himself is still a bit of a mystery to Liam, that Liam can actually feel the muscles in his neck relax a little. It helps to realise that the Zayn he knew is still here, even though they both had done a lot of growing up and growing apart in the last two and a half years. He can feel Zayn looking at him expectantly. To break the tension, Liam bumps his shoulder against Zayn’s and grins. “You’re still such a nerd.”

Zayn huffs out laughter and Liam’s grin widens. “I love it though.” 

“I figured you would.” Zayn looks pleased. “Come on, let’s grab a beer.”

They end up in sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and this time, the stories they exchange about their family members are more genuine than the ones on the phone a week before. When Liam comments on a picture of Safaa, telling Zayn that she’s turning into quite a stunning woman, Zayn looks proud. The conversation is still somewhat strained, but slowly Liam thinks both he and Zayn are relaxing slightly around each other. 

After both of them finished their second beer, Zayn orders some Thai food that according to him is the best in the neighbourhood. While waiting for the food to arrive, Liam takes a quick shower in the bathroom that adjoins the guestroom Zayn led him to. It feels good to wash away the grime of the flight and the heat he isn’t used to. When he’s showered and dressed in a pair of shorts and a clean t-shirt, Liam sends a quick message to his mum and lies down on the crisp white cover of the bed. He needs a moment to gather his thoughts. Spending time with Zayn is both familiar and strange at the same time. Both of them are polite. Too polite. Perhaps he’d been naïve to think they could go back to the way they were, but he hopes they’ll get over their tip-toeing around each other at some point. 

The doorbell indicates the food has arrived and interrupts Liam’s musings. He makes his way downstairs and just as he hit to bottom of the stairs, Zayn is closing the front door, several paper bags in hand. He holds them up and smiles at Liam. “We can eat outside? This time of day, the temperature is actually bearable.” 

With a chuckle, Liam follows Zayn out on the terrace overlooking the garden with the now dimly-lit pool. Zayn had already set the table with plates, a bottle of water and another beer for each of them. Liam immediately goes for the beer, while Zayn organizes the different boxes of food. Liam sits down in one of the comfortable looking lounge chairs and slowly sips from his third beer as Zayn instructs him on the spiciness of the food. “I’d avoid this one, if I were you.” he says, pointing to a rice dish with what seems to be chicken. “I can still vividly remember what happened when we were in New York.”

Liam snorts at the memory. Before a New York performance, the group had ordered take-out food, Louis and Zayn going for a dish that was indicated to be the hottest on the menu. Niall and Liam had ordered the same thing, saying they could handle it, while Harry had looked on sceptically. Their stomachs had not taken it well. Both Niall and Liam had barely made it through their performance, before spending the rest of the night in the bathroom. Not a great evening. Although Zayn and Louis had used it as teasing material for months.

When Zayn finally sits down on the other chair, Liam realises with a shock that this is the first time Zayn had mentioned the band without Liam prompting first. “That was a great leg of the tour.” He says before he can stop himself. 

“Mmm.” Is Zayn’s noncommittal reply. For a moment, Liam doesn’t know what to say. When Zayn starts putting food on his plate, Liam follows the gesture and it’s enough to break the uncomfortable silence. 

The rest of the evening passes quickly. The beers that Zayn keeps providing help Liam relax and when the sun has fully set, Liam feels full and content for the first time in a very long time. Despite a few moments of silence where neither of them know what to say, Zayn is great company and has Liam laughing so hard his stomach hurts more than once. Yet, to Liam it seems there are still things they avoid talking about. After another pungent silence when Liam mentions meeting up with Louis to meet his son Freddy, Liam decides he had enough. “Does this feel weird to you too?”

“Yeah.” Zayn’s voice is a bit louder than seconds before. “We keep ignoring the real issues.”

“I-”

“Let’s dish it all out now. Get it out of the way. No hold-backs.”

“Zayn.” Liam isn’t too sure that’s a good idea, especially because of all the beers in his system, but Zayn has a determined glint in his eyes that Liam knows better than to argue with. “Fine. You first.”

“I’m not sorry about leaving the band, Liam. I never will be.” 

Liam gapes at Zayn. Deep down he knows Zayn still stands behind his decision, but hearing him say it out loud is something else. Before he can respond, Zayn continues. “I am sorry for the way it went down though.”

“You could have said something sooner.” Liam can hear the defiant lilt in his own voice. “You were gone from one moment to the next.”

“You really think it was a spur of the moment thing?”

Liam is impressed Zayn manages to keep the accusation out of his voice. “I guess not. Sure felt like it though. We were in the middle of a fucking tour.”

“I couldn’t do it anymore.” Zayn sighs. “I was so tired of it all.”

“We were all tired.”

“Not like that, Li.” Zayn’s eyes meet Liam’s. “I was so fucking unhappy. I’d reached my limit. I had to leave.”

“Without saying anything to anyone?” Liam raises his voice, anger bubbling up. “Without telling me?”

“You wouldn’t have been able to change my mind and-.”

“That’s not the fucking point!” Liam blurts out. “You were supposed to be my best mate.”

“Liam, I-” Zayn is still looking at Liam. 

“You didn’t just leave the band, Zayn. You left _me_.” Liam mutters, looking at his hands to avoid looking into Zayn’s eyes. He can feel still them focusing on him though. Despite his nerves, he needs to get the words out. No holding back indeed. “And that fucking hurt.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” 

Liam looks up at Zayn’s pained voice. For the first time in the last two and a half years, he allows himself to see the toll it took on Zayn to walk away. Whenever Liam heard about interviews Zayn had given, telling people why he left the world’s most successful boyband, anger had clouded Liam’s judgement and he never truly listened to Zayn’s words. Liam had felt betrayed, even more so when Harry suggested a hiatus. Now, sitting in Zayn’s garden and looking into Zayn’s golden-brown eyes, it’s the first time Liam allows himself to believe what Zayn is saying. Zayn is begging him with his eyes to take his last words serious. Liam nods. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I know you didn’t do it to hurt me. Or us.” Zayn seems to sag against the back of his chair with relief at his words, so Liam continues. “It’ll take time to get over it though. I’ve been angry for so long, I-”

“I’m sorry.” Zayn mutter interrupts Liam’s words. They look at each other and suddenly, Liam can’t stand the distance between them. Zayn seems to read his mind , scoots to the side of his chair and Liam immediately moves from his chair to the one Zayn occupies. As teenagers, they had cuddled so many times. Seeking each other’s company when one of them felt homesick. As soon as Liam sinks down next to Zayn, arms and legs touching, Liam realises how much he missed this. 

“I missed you.” Liam whispers, a little afraid the confession will be too much, too soon. His heart skips a beat or two at the look on Zayn’s face at those words. Liam smiles tentatively and Zayn pulls him in a side-hug. “I missed you too, Li.”

Liam sags against Zayn, revelling in the closeness that he missed so much. There are still things they need to talk about, but for now it’s enough. For now, he’ll enjoy Zayn’s company, having Zayn in his life again, even if it’s just for a few short days. They can deal with the rest of their issues tomorrow. Zayn apparently has the same idea, because he starts firing question after question at Liam. Liam answers them willingly, pouring out more than he had to anyone lately. It seems so easy to trust Zayn again. 

Time flies by and before Liam knows it, it’s well past midnight. Jetlag is catching up with him. Liam doesn’t want to move away from Zayn just yet, but he can’t stifle a yawn. Zayn notices immediately, of course. “Tired?”

“A little. Jetlag.”

Zayn hums his reply. They drink their beers in silence, until the silence becomes too overwhelming for Liam. He tugs at the paper label on his half-finished beer-bottle, while glancing at Zayn. “I feel like I’ve been the only one talking tonight.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Guess not.” Liam shrugs. 

“You can ask me anything you want, Leeyum.”

Liam’s heart skips a beat at the nickname. God, he really missed Zayn more than he realised. Liam doesn’t get time to think about why his body actually responded the way it did, because Zayn elbows his side. “What do you want to know?” 

“I don’t know.” From the corner of his eyes, Liam sees Zayn’s lips curve into a smirk. Liam tries to match it, even though Zayn’s cockiness is short-circuits his brain for a second. The slight arrogance makes Zayn look even more gorgeous than he already does. When Liam finally finds his voice, he feels like he’s grinning like an idiot for no reason at all. “Fine. Tell me something I don’t already know about you. Tell me a secret.” 

Liam grin falters a bit when Zayn’s own smirk falls from his face. He looks like he’s contemplating something. Zayn bites his lip and takes a big sip from his beer, before looking directly at Liam. 

“I guess I’m into blokes as well.” 

 

****

 

One sentence. 

Seven words. 

Just seven little words and Liam feels like his whole world has been turned upside down. Actually, it feels like the world is still spinning. And it’s not just because of the alcohol. 

The fact that he’s lying between a set of sheets that smell so distinctively like _Zayn_ isn’t helping much either. He’s been tossing and turning for the last two hours. Sunlight is already creeping through the small opening between the curtains. Liam gave up on the illusion of getting any sleep an hour ago. He keeps replaying five minutes of his conversation with Zayn over and over again. 

Zayn’s confession. 

Zayn had told how he first realised that he’s into guys as well as girls when he was sixteen years old and he had wanted to kiss the new boy in his class. Zayn had tried to keep that part of himself hidden, because one: despite the fact that media claims there’s always a ‘gay one’ in a boyband (Zayn had gritted out those words, like they were insulting – which Liam thinks they are), that fact was only supposed to come out, excuse the pun, years after said band would be finished; and two: Zayn hadn’t met a bloke he could have a relationship with anyway. 

Liam had commented on the ‘could’, had asked Zayn if there had been guys with whom he _would_ have, with whom he had wanted to be in a relationship. Zayn had gone oddly quiet for a few heartbeats.

Besides a few mumbled questions, Liam felt like he had just sat there, speechless, listening to Zayn talking about the few blokes he experimented with in secret, always worried that one of them would realise they could earn quick cash if they went to the press with their story, despite the non-disclosure agreements management had provided. Liam remained speechless throughout that story, vaguely aware that management apparently knew about those blokes. Zayn’s words barely registered after the word ‘experimented’. The idea of Zayn being naked with some guy had made Liam’s cheeks heat up, and had made his jeans feel a little bit tighter. He had swallowed hard and knocked back his drink, his feelings and physical reaction confusing him quite a bit. 

Apparently, his silence and his flush had made Zayn worry. Worry that his confession would mess up their barely rekindled friendship. 

It _hadn’t_. 

Lying in the dark, replaying the conversation, had made Liam realise some things about their friendship when they were still in the band, still kids and feeling so oddly at home with each other. It made him realise things about _Zayn_. 

About _himself_. 

Liam felt like someone had punched in the gut hard when realisation had sunk in about half an hour ago. Liam thinks that maybe he hadn’t just loved Zayn back then. Maybe he had been _in love_ with Zayn. All the signs had been there, even though he hadn’t recognised them. 

The way he felt at home on tours, in any given hotel or any give city, as long as Zayn was in the same room as him. 

The way Zayn was the only man who could take his breath away, because Zayn looked so fucking gorgeous all the time. 

The way he craved Zayn’s touch, just a hand on the back of his neck when they were watching a movie, legs pressed together during interviews or the hugs they would give each other when one of them was homesick. Touching Zayn, no matter how brief or innocent, really tended to make things a little better. 

The way he had felt like he was falling apart when Zayn left the band. No one else leaving him had made him feel as heartbroken as those first weeks without Zayn nearby.

The way he had never felt quite whole again after Zayn’s departure, as crazy as that sounded. 

The way he would still feel a little lost sometimes, without the other man next to him. 

The way he had poured out his heart during conversations with his sisters, without him even realising he was doing it. Conversations about how none of his relationships had felt quite right, no matter how great the girls. How he never shared his sisters’ giddiness about being in love. How he wondered if he had even been in love with those girls. How he always felt like there was something missing. How he never felt quite at home with those girls the way he felt at home with Zayn. 

The way his mother had told him ‘he would find himself’ on one rare night a few years ago, where he cuddled up to her like he was still six years old. The way she held him and had told him that he would fall in love someday, when he would realise who the right person was for him. The way she had told him that night that things would be okay after he had silently admitted how lost he felt when Zayn got engaged, like he was losing his best friend. 

Now that he thinks about it, his mum had never talked about finding the right girl. She talked about finding the right person.

Had his mum known? 

Had his mum realised he had been in love with Zayn all those years? 

And how had he _not_ realised he had been in love with Zayn all those years? 

He just hadn’t seen it. 

He had always wondered if he was capable of those feelings. Perhaps childishly, he had expected fireworks, the violins-playing-in-the-background type of love he’d seen in movies his previous girlfriends had made him watch. Maybe it had even been there when he was younger, but he just hadn’t picked up on it. He so clearly remembers the warmth that would spread through him anytime Zayn would touch him. How his skin would tingle and one touch always left him craving more. How much he missed Zayn when they weren’t together. 

Liam just never contributed those feelings to love. Or lust. 

He never thought he was into men like that. Into Zayn like that. 

Fuck. How could he not have realised it could be possible for him to fall for a man? Liam never considered it an option. Does that make him small-minded? Or just plain stupid?

A string of curses falls from his lips as he sits up. There’s no way he’s able to work this out by himself, and he doesn’t want to face Zayn feeling like this. He probably made Zayn worry that he couldn’t handle the news enough as it, no need to freak out Zayn even more. 

And Liam can only think of one person to call right now. Christ, he really is a bit pathetic; 23 years old, a possible sexuality crisis and calling his _mum_ to help him figure it out. But he doesn’t know who else to confide in, now that Zayn is not an option.

Liam grabs his phone from the nightstand, scrolling to his mum’s number and pressing ‘dial’ before he changes his mind or chickens out. It only takes a few seconds before she answers. “Liam, love?”

“Mum.” 

Liam figures the fact that he almost cried out the word might make his mum worry a bit. Of course, she immediately picks up on his tone of voice. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, mum.” Liam can’t stop his voice from trembling. He really needs to get his shit together, he thinks. 

“Liam.” His mum calls him on his bullshit immediately. 

“It’s just… Zayn.” Liam doesn’t know where to begin. 

“Are you two boys still fighting?”

“No, mum.” Liam says, and then he decides to voice his previous thoughts. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Well. How about you tell me why you’re calling me when it’s still night in Los Angeles?”

Okay. He can do that. Taking a deep breath, he blurts out why he called his mum in the first place. 

“I think I might have been in love with Zayn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you've probably noticed, this chapter is longer than the prologue and the first chapter. This will also be the case for most of the following chapters. Hope you don't mind. :)


	4. Three

A warm feeling spreads from Zayn’s stomach to the rest of his body as he walks into the kitchen of his Bradford home. The smell of the spices his mother used for the curry she cooked still lingers in the air. His mother and eldest sister are sitting at the kitchen table, each of them enjoying a cup of tea. 

It’s a good thing he only fully realises how much he misses his family during his time in America when actually he’s in the same room with his family members, otherwise he’d be crippled by home-sickness every day he’s not with them. 

Only an hour after he’d arrived at his house, his mother and sister joined him. He’d held his mother for at least five minutes the moment she’d stepped over the doorstep. He’d be embarrassed by it, a 24-year-old yearning for his mother’s hugs, if he didn’t need them so much. Ever since he left home at 17 years old, his family had been the only constant is his hectic and chaotic life. His mum’s hugs still have the ability to ground him.

Now, two days later, the need to follow his mother around his house like a lost puppy had subsided. But the fact that he could walk into a kitchen to find his mother, holding out a cup of tea for him, still warms his whole body like not much else can. 

“Thanks, mum.” He smiles softly and sits down on a chair next to his sister. Zayn quietly sips his tea. His mum and Doniya pick up their conversation again, while Zayn glances at his phone. 

He has another message from Liam. Ever since Liam left L.A. two weeks ago, the two of them had been texting each other non-stop. They had also called each other a few times. Some of those conversations had lasted for hours. Zayn can’t really remember wanting to constantly talk to someone, to constantly want to know what they were doing, if they were okay. Or to hear their voice. The last time he felt that way, were in the early days of his relationship with Perrie. That realisation had scared Zayn. So he did what he did well; he pushed the feelings away until he would be forced to deal with him. 

During their last phone call, Liam had timidly mentioned that he missed making music. Zayn had asked him why he wasn’t writing. Liam had mumbled something about pressure and not being sure if he could do a whole album or even one song that would be good enough without several other voices on the record. Apparently, Zayn’s speech about Liam trying to see it as a hobby, writing music just because he wanted to, not because it was work or something that _had_ to sell and top the charts, had hit home. Liam just send him a picture of a new music programme he bought for his laptop. It made Zayn smile and he quickly send a thumbs-up back. 

“Who has you grinning like an idiot?” Doniya teases. To his own horror, Zayn feels his cheeks heat up. He isn’t bloody fifteen anymore. Instead of answering, he shrugges. He doesn’t miss the way his mum’s eyes scan his face intensely. He doesn’t know what she’s looking for, but he knows his mum found it when she smiles knowingly. Her next words prove how well she knows her only son. And that it’s impossible for her children to keep a secret from her. 

“Are you going to tell us about Liam’s visit to L.A.?”

“What?!” Doniya screeches, whipping her head around to look at Zayn. Zayn sits up so fast, he nearly tumbles out of his chair. He looks at his mother, wide-eyed. “How did you…” The answer comes to him before he finished the question. “Karen?”

His mum nods and Zayn frowns. “I didn’t know you kept in touch.”

“We didn’t. Karen figured that since you two were in touch again, she’d give me a ring.”

“Oh.” 

Zayn knows both his mum and his sister are waiting for him to start talking. He gives himself some time to gather his thoughts by making his way to the counter. Slowly, he pours himself a second cup of tea. He looks at his sister questioningly and raises the tea pot, but she shakes her head. “I’m fine. Stop stalling, Zayn.”

“I’m not.” Zayn denies. “I just…” 

“You’re confused.” Doniya says. “All the more reason to start talking. Out with it.”

Yes, Zayn’s confused. It feels like him and Liam went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. The people close to him always knew how much he actually missed his former bandmate and that he wouldn’t mind getting back in touch with Liam. Hell, Zayn thinks he even said as much in an interview once. He just hadn’t thought it would be this easy. He hadn’t even thought it’d be possible. He’d never dreamed that after a few uncomfortable but necessary conversations, they’d be back right where they left off.

“He called me. Few weeks ago.” Zayn starts. He leaves out the reason Liam called, that’s not his story to tell. “I invited him to L.A.” 

“Just like that?” Of course, Doniya instantly picks up on the things he isn’t saying out loud. Zayn shrugs his response and Doniya drops it. Although Zayn has no doubt she’ll remember and ask him about it later. 

“He stayed with me for a few days. It was good.” 

“Good?” His mother gives him a look that Zayn knows all too well. She’s curious, but she doesn’t want to pressure him. He loves her for it. 

“Yeah. We had fun. It was almost like old times.”

“Almost?” This time it’s his sister prompting him. 

“He’s still angry with me for leaving, I think. I don’t know. Something changed.” 

“Hmm.” Is his mother’s reply. Zayn watches as his mother bends towards him and presses a kiss against his cheek. “You did what you had to do, Zayn.” She says. 

“I know, mum.” Zayn mumbles. He can still vividly remember that first week after he made the biggest and scariest decision of his life, hiding from the world on his parents’ couch. 

“But it’s nice that he called. Always knew the two of you would work things out.”

Zayn gives his mother an incredulous look. “Sure you did.” 

“A mother knows.” She pinches his cheek like he is still five years old. “I knew you’d be o’right.” The familiar accent wraps around him like a blanket and Zayn can’t help but smile back, even though he still doubts her words. “We’ll see.”

Zayn is aware his sister had been quiet – too quiet. He knows he’ll be questioned later – his older sister never lets him off the hook this easily. The look she shoots him when she stands up and announces she’s taking a shower is telling. 

Soon after his sister leaves the kitchen, his mother calls it a night. She gives him another kiss on the cheek, tells Zayn goodnight and exits the kitchen, leaving Zayn alone with his thoughts. He actually misses Liam, more than he thought he would. It’s an ache he’s not accustomed to anymore. 

Back when he was still part of One Direction, he’d sometimes craved peace and quiet so much he’d felt ready to tear out his own hair. Going home meant recharging and finally being able to find the silence he’d needed ever since he was a child. He’d been fine without Harry, Niall and even Louis. He’d think about them and he’d even miss them, as they had become such a massive part of his live. They were his best mates, no matter how different all of them were. The only one he’d actually wished to have around him was Liam. He always managed to keep out of touch with the other three boys, but he’d be texting Liam within two days. If he’d even lasted that long. 

The last two years, that craving for contact and the feeling of missing of the other boy had subsided. Zayn had made the decision to leave all of it – including the boys – behind, that decision had consequences and he had dealt with those. It had been far from perfect, but it was what he had needed to do. 

But after seeing Liam again, after spending just a few days with him, the ache in the pit of his stomach is back. It feels stronger than before. It’s changed. Changed so much, it almost overwhelmes Zayn. It isn’t just an ache anymore. It is want.

Zayn no longer wants to be just Liam’s friend. He wants more. He wants all of it. All of Liam. And that want had been difficult to keep under wraps during those days with Liam. 

 

*

 

_“I forgot how much you resemble a fish.” Zayn shakes his head when he walks into his garden. Just like the last two days, he had to go into the studio for a few hours, while Liam relaxed around the house. And just like the last two days, Zayn returns to find Liam lounging in the pool._

__

__

_Liam grins and splashes Zayn. “I can’t believe_ you _have a pool.”_

_“I use it.”_

_“When was the last time?”_

_Zayn opens his mouth to reply, but if he’s honest, he can’t remember he actually went into the water. The pool is something his sisters enjoy, mostly. Liam laughs heartily at Zayn’s lack of reply. “You could get in with me.” He says, as his eyes scan Zayn’s body. For a second, Zayn thinks he sees Liam’s eyes darken. Just when he’s convinced himself he’s imagining things – there’s no reason why Liam would be checking him out – Liam bites his lip. His voice is significantly lower when he speaks again. “The water is nice.”_

_A pleasant shiver runs up and down Zayn’s spine at Liam’s tone of voice. He shakes his head though._

_“Suit yourself.” Liam splashes some water in Zayn’s direction again, before making his way out of the pool._

_Zayn’s blood immediately rushes south._

_After two days, Zayn still isn’t used to a half-naked Liam. Definitely not a half-naked Liam looking as sculpted and defined as he is. Liam is wearing a pair of swimming shorts that hang dangerously low on his hips, showing off his hipbones. His chest is glistering with water in the sun, a few drops of water running down the smooth skin. Zayn follows them and swallows hard when they catch in a trail of soft hair leading into the swimming shorts. Zayn’s throat dries when he imagines following the path of those drops of water with his tongue even further._

_Time for another cold shower._

_“I’m gonna…” Zayn’s words trail off when Liam bends down to grab a towel, the swimming short pulling tightly around Liam’s ass._

_Bloody hell._

_Liam Payne grew up in the last two years. And Zayn can’t tear his eyes away from him. Zayn’s still staring at Liam, when he turns around, towel in his hand. Liam motions towards the kitchen. “Want a beer? I went to the shops and bought some things.”_

_Yes. Alcohol. That’s exactly what Zayn needs. After that cold shower, that is. “Gonna change first.” He says, letting his eyes roam Liam’s body one more time. He’s met with a pair of brown eyes that look at him knowingly._

_“I’ll be waiting.” Liam is grinning again._

_Zayn nods, still incoherent, but convinced that Liam is going to be the death of him eventually._

 

*

 

_Zayn startles awake when music suddenly blasts through his living room. He tries to move, but a warm weight is pressing him into the side of the couch._

_Liam._

_It takes a few breaths for Zayn to realise the music is coming from the television. The ending credits of the movie he and Liam watched are rolling on the screen, accompanied by some horrible song that makes Zayn cringe. He fumbles for the remote and mutes the television._

_Zayn lets out a stuttering breath. He’s hot. Too hot. Liam is leaning against him, full weight pressing into Zayn. Liam’s head is resting on Zayn’s shoulder and he’s breathing deeply. Liam is still fast asleep, his body half covering Zayn as he’s turned sideways in a way that can’t be comfortable. Zayn isn’t exactly comfortable either._

_But he doesn’t want to move._

_Liam looks peaceful, sleeping. His breath is a steady warmth against the skin of Zayn’s neck. Liam’s eyelashes are strongly contrasting with the skin of Liam’s cheeks. Zayn resists the urge to caress those cheeks. He can’t resist the urge to wrap his arm around Liam’s shoulders, pulling the other man a little bit closer._

_Zayn doesn’t want to wake up Liam, that’s what he tells himself when he scoots down as far as he can without moving Liam too much. He rests his head against the back of the couch and closes his eyes. Liam’s scent wraps around him and Zayn sighs contently. The even rhythm of Liam’s breathing lulls him back to sleep within minutes._

 

*

 

_"I can't believe your best friend here is an old guy." Liam mocks. He had been making jokes about it ever since Zayn suggested having dinner with Ben, his 79 years old neighbour that had become one of Zayn's few friends in L.A.. Zayn had met the elderly man six months after he moved into his house. At first, Ben had grumbled about ‘another spoiled popstar in the neighbourhood’. After Zayn carried a delivery of groceries into Ben’s house for him one quiet morning, Ben had offered Zayn a drink. He’d told Zayn that ‘manners never went out of style, young man’, before looking up and down Zayn’s arms. “Those things on your arms might, though.” Zayn had laughed heartily and that had been the start of an odd friendship._

_Zayn elbows Liam's side none to gently. "You haven't met Ben. Don't judge."_

_"Still, Zayn. He's_ old _." Liam emphasizes the word, as if Zayn hadn't heard him the first time._

_"He's also one of the smartest people I've ever met." Is all Zayn says. He knows he could have made an effort to meet more people his own age, but most of the time he doesn't feel like participating in social events. He spends most of his time in L.A. working anyway, he doesn't need any distractions. Nor does he want them. He has a small group of people he enjoys spending time with and that's enough for him._

_"He can't be smarter than you."_

_Zayn snorts. Liam's face falls at the sound though. "I'm serious, Zayn. You're the smartest person_ I _know."_

_Zayn opens his mouth, to say something. Anything. He wants to argue with Liam, tell him he’s being ridiculous. Zayn closes his mouth abruptly when Liam smiles shyly. Instead of saying anything, he elbows Liam again, this time gently. He hopes it conveys his 'thank you'. Liam used to compliment Zayn all the time, and just like it did in the past, the compliment warms Zayn from the inside._

_Luckily, Zayn doesn't have to come up with a more intelligent response – so much for being a smart person - as they reach the gate of Ben's house. Zayn punches in the access code in the gates control pad. It slowly opens and Zayn ushers Liam past it. The driveway towards Ben's house is significantly longer than Zayn's, something Zayn hates. If something happened to Ben, not only wouldn’t anybody be able to see it, they wouldn't be able to hear Ben call out for help either. A few months ago, the elderly man had stumbled while getting his newspaper from the mailbox. Thank God, Zayn had dropped by unplanned only half an hour later, to see if Ben had wanted to have a cup of coffee together. If Zayn hadn't shown up, who knows how long Ben would have been lying on the hard ground. Sure, Ben now carried an emergency button with him at all times - he still refused to use the walking-aid Zayn had bought him - but Zayn still worried._

_Two hours later, the three of them are sitting at Ben’s dining table, the meal Zayn had prepared mostly gone._

_Ben and Liam get on like a house on fire._

_Zayn’s not sure why he’s actually surprised about that. Liam always had a way with elderly people; he’s polite, he still looks like a puppy when he wants to and he’s genuinely interested in what other people tell him. Ben’s stories about American theatre in the 60s have Liam mesmerized. Ben seems to really enjoy the much younger man’s attention and the two of them haven’t stopped talking since Zayn had put the pasta and salad he he’d made on the table._

_Liam is rambling about being on stage, gesturing wildly with his hands as he goes on about the silly things all of them used to do during concerts. It makes Ben laugh heartily. Zayn feels a pleasant tug in his stomach. He knows his neighbour gets quite lonely and it’s easy to see how happy the company of two young people makes him. Zayn makes a mental note to keep Ben company more often._

_Zayn feels himself redden when Ben catches his eye and winks. When Liam excuses himself after dinner for a bathroom-break – Liam catches himself just before he’s about to say he ‘has to take a piss’, which makes Liam blush furiously and Zayn snicker – Ben looks at Zayn. “Things suddenly make a lot of sense.”_

_“Huh?” Zayn bites his lip. He has a feeling about what’s coming._

_“Now I understand why you’re still hung up on that one.”_

_Zayn gapes at Ben. He didn't know he was that obvious. Hell, he hadn’t even realised he was ‘still hung up on Liam’. He also wasn’t aware that Ben knew about his sexuality. Once again, the older man proves to be quite the observer._

_“You are not as secretive or mysterious as you think, Zayn.” Ben chuckles, knowing how it had annoyed Zayn to be called both. Zayn takes the comment in stride and chuckles as well._

_Until he wonders if Liam can see through him just as easily as Ben._

_“Hold on to this one.” Ben says. He pats Zayn on the knee. “He’s good for you.”_

_Zayn nods, speechless._

 

*

 

"Zayn!" 

Doniya's voice brings Zayn back to his surroundings. "Huh?" 

Doniya snickers. "You were out of it. What were you thinking about?"

Zayn hates that he can feel his cheeks redden. Doniya's grin let's him know she notices the blush as well. "Liam?"

"Doniya-"

"You're going to deny it?"

"No." Zayn mumbles. There's no point, really. Doniya had always been able to see right through him. In fact, Doniya was the first one who picked up on his teenage crush on his classmate all those years ago. That doesn't mean he wants to admit anything out loud right now though. "But don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't make me say it."

Doniya's stare is scrutinizing. Zayn forces himself not to shift nervously under the intense stare. After a few seconds, Doniya's jaw drops. "You're in love with him."

It's not a question. Again, Zayn feels his cheek redden. "Doni..." He begs, but there's a determined glint in his sister's eyes that he recognizes from himself. "Are you okay?" 

Her question takes him off guard for a bit. "Ehm. Ya?"

"Oh, Zayn." Doniya scoots closer to him and wraps a comforting arm around his shoulder. Zayn leans into the touch. 

“I thought I was over it. Over him.”

“I don’t think you ever were, Zayn.” Doniya’s eyes are soft. “You never dealt with your feelings.”

Zayn looks at his older sister, questioningly. “What-”

“You had a crush on him at the end of X-factor, right?” 

Zayn nods. It is still hard to admit that he had those kinds of feelings for Liam. It always had been. He had never wanted to risk his friendship with Liam. And there had been the fear that admitting his feelings out loud would make them even stronger. It had been just a crush back then. A strong crush, but still just a crush. Doniya had been the only one who had ever heard him say out loud he harboured feelings for Liam that went slightly beyond friendship. Maybe talking to her about his new feelings now would clear things in his head. 

Doniya continues. “And then he suddenly had a girlfriend and you had Perrie. You never had to _really_ deal with your feelings, Zayn.”

Zayn frowns. “That makes it sound like Perrie was just a substitute. She wasn’t.”

“I know she wasn’t.”

“I wouldn’t have proposed if my feelings hadn’t been real.” Zayn doesn’t know he feels so defensive all of a sudden. Doniya’s face is stern, but she squeezes his shoulder to soften her words. “Let’s not open that can of worms right now. I know you loved Perrie, but there’s a reason it didn’t work out.”

Zayn’s frown deepens. “She doesn’t have anything to do with Liam.”

“I know, Zayn.” Doniya sighs. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

“What, then?” There’s still a defensive lilt to his voice. 

“Like I said: both of you had someone else in your lifes.” Doniya shrugs. “And he was your best mate. Then you left the band. He was never an option. Now he is.” Doniya says, as her lips curve into a grin. “And he looks rather fit at the moment.”

“Doniya!” Zayn chuckles, but he doesn’t deny her words, which makes her grin widen. “So, I’m not surprised you’ve feelings for him.”

"I'm scared." He admits. 

"Scared of what?"

"Feeling too much.” Zayn’s voice trembles a little. “Ruining this. The first evening, we talked. He asked me to tell him a secret."

"You-"

Doniya doesn't have to finish her sentence, for Zayn to know what she means. Doniya knew he had never told any of his bandmates about his sexuality. It had been easier that way. "Yeah. I told him."

"He didn't..." Doniya starts, but Zayn shakes his head. "He didn't take it bad, or anything. I think. He was just silent. And the next days..." Zayn drifts off, not even sure what he wants to say. To him, it feels like something had shifted between him and Liam in the few hours they spend in their respective bedrooms after his confession. Zayn doesn't know whether that's because he finally shared with Liam and wants to _believe_ things have changed now, or whether something _actually_ changed. 

"The next days?" Doniya prompts. 

"Liam seemed..." Zayn thinks about a word. "Different."

"Different?" 

"I don't know." Zayn groans in frustration. He's usually good with his words. But when it comes to Liam he finds it difficult to describe what he means. "More touchy." He says in the end, for lack of a better word. "Like he was testing the boundaries."

"Perhaps-" Doniya starts, but Zayn interrupts her before she can say anything else. "Don't."

"Zayn-"

"I'm projecting as much as it is." Zayn looks at his sister. "I don't want to get my hopes up even more when other people start projecting my feelings on his as well. It's probably just my imagination anyway. We’re friends."

‘It’s ridiculous I feel this strongly after just a few days’, Zayn wants to add, but he knows his sister will scold him for being so hard on himself. So he stays silent. 

"Despite everything, I always thought there was something between you two." Doniya squeezes Zayn's shoulder once more when he tenses up at her words.

"Doniya!" Zayn snaps. 

"Just don't give up on him completely, Zayn." Doniya advises. "Try to enjoy having him in your life again." 

 

***

 

Zayn remembers Doniya’s words a week later, when he opens to the door to find a smiling Liam standing on the other side. 

Enjoy having Liam in his life again. 

Zayn’s starting right now. Liam had wanted to meet up at least once when Zayn was in the U.K. and he had offered to travel to Zayn’s house, so Zayn could stay close to his family. So, for the second time in a month, Zayn is showing Liam around his house. 

At first, Zayn found it rather extravagant to have a house in L.A., an apartment in London and a house in his hometown, but it’s a luxury he learned to enjoy. He hates hotel rooms and it’s nice to have a place that feels like home when work takes him to London. While Zayn spends most of his time in L.A., and his apartment in London is mostly empty, his house in Bradford is frequently used by his many family members. After his mum had sounded exhausted after an aunt and three cousins had stayed at his parents’ house for ten days, Zayn had an extra key made, so family members could use the house. It gives the house a lived-in feeling that instantly makes him feel closer to his family as soon as he crosses the doorstep. 

The tour is shorter than the tour around his house in L.A. As soon as Liam drops his overnight bag in the guestroom, they make their way into the living room. Zayn makes a quick detour into the kitchen to grab some chips and a bunch of home-made snacks his mother had left him with. 

Liam is already spread out on the couch. He did pour the two of them a glass of the wine he had brought with him. Liam’s sister had advised him on it, Liam had said, so it couldn’t be complete rubbish. Zayn places the food on the table. As soon as he sits down on the couch, Liam scoots closer. He hands Zayn a glass. “Cheers, mate.”

“Cheers.” Zayn replies. He tries to keep his voice steady. The way Liam’s body is touching his, is creating havoc in his brain. Liam’s questions about the days with his family thankfully distract Zayn from the want racing through every vain in his body.

One movie and two albums Zayn had wanted Liam to listen to later, Liam had gravitated even closer to Zayn. Zayn is leaning against one of the arm rests of the couch, his feet planted on the table. Liam is leaning against him, legs, arms and shoulders pressed together. Zayn had only gotten off the couch once, to turn on two lights in the room and grab a second bottle of wine. After the first bottle and the movie, him and Liam had been talking non-stop, unable to run out of things to say. It’s been a while since Zayn spend a whole evening talking to anyone without getting grumpy. Zayn has no sense of time when him and Liam finish the second bottle of wine. Both of them are tipsy, Liam more on the side of drunk than Zayn. 

Zayn tenses when Liam shifts closer. He places a hand on Zayn’s shoulder and with gentle pressure pushes Zayn until he’s lying down on the couch fully. The younger man keeps moving around until his body is fully aligned with Zayn’s. Liam throws one arm around Zayn’s chest. His left leg settles between Zayn’s legs, Liam’s knee awfully close to Zayn’s groin. Zayn bites back a groan when Liam snuggles up even further until his face is buried in the crook between Zayn’s neck and shoulder. Liam’s breath is hot against his skin as Zayn tries not to freeze up completely. 

This is way past a platonic cuddle. This even goes beyond all the cuddles they shared in the past. 

Zayn is weak though. He can’t bring himself to move away from Liam or to push him away. Zayn allows himself to enjoy the feeling of Liam’s body against his this once. It amazes him how well their bodies fit together. He’ll allow himself this for a moment, before inevitably Liam will move away. Drunk Liam had always been a cuddly Liam, after all. 

“You’re still a nice pillow.” Liam whispers against his neck. The breath gives Zayn goosebumps. He chuckles nonetheless. “I’ll take that as a compliment, Li.”

“Mmm. T’is.” 

They lie on the couch in silence. Zayn’s hands tangles with the hair in Liam’s neck, making him utter a pleasant sign. For a second, Zayn thinks he actually feels Liam’s lips brushing the sensitive skin of his neck, but the feeling is gone before Zayn can distinguish if it’s really there or just his imagination. Liam’s arm tightens around his body. 

It takes another minute for Zayn to relax into it. Liam’s rhythmic breathing lulls Zayn into that state between sleep and awake. 

But he’s roughly jolted out of it only a few minutes later. This time he’s sure he felt Liam’s lips press against his skin. Liam isn’t moving though, his body a strong pressure against Zayn’s own. Zayn’s heart is beating out of his chest. He’s either really losing it or Liam is seriously crossing the boundaries of friendship. And Zayn’s doesn’t know which one he prefers at the moment. 

It’s quiet in the room for another minute. Until Zayn feels Liam kissing his neck yet again. He can’t ignore it any longer. Zayn bends his neck and looks down at Liam. “What are you doing.” 

“Cuddling.” Liam mutters. Another kiss is pressed against Zayn’s neck, this one more lingering. 

“Liam.” Even Zayn can hear the way he groaned Liam’s name is bordering on sexual.

“Do you want me to stop?” 

“I…” 

“I will if you want me to.” 

Zayn’s jaw drops a little at the words. Both because Liam’s words are a shock and because Zayn suddenly finds it hard to breath. 

“Just tell me to stop, Zayn.” Liam says, his voice much steadier than Zayn feels. Finally, Liam’s eyes meet Zayn’s. To Zayn’s surprise, Liam’s eyes hold a question in them. Almost like he’s asking for permission. “Li…”

Clearly, Liam takes that as the go-ahead he needs. He presses his lips against Zayn’s. 

Zayn freezes entirely. 

Liam is kissing him. 

_Liam_. Is. _Kissing_. Him. 

Fuck. 

Zayn doesn’t know how long he stays completely motionless, Liam’s lips just a gentle pressure against his. 

Zayn would have been able to exert some control of the situation – and do the smart thing, like push Liam away – if Liam’ hadn’t pressed closer and taken Zayn’s bottom lip between his one, grazing his teeth over it, when Zayn is trying to regain some function in his brain. 

A moan bubbles up inside Zayn’s throat. He barely manages to keep it in, but when Liam actually starts to nibble his lip gently, it’s a lost battle. The sound is barely audible, but it’s enough for Liam to flick his tongue against Zayn’s lips. This time, a loud groan echoes through the room. Zayn doesn’t know if it’s his or Liam’s, but he is beyond caring. 

He might be stupid, but he’s not crazy. 

This might be the only chance he’ll ever get to kiss Liam. If the other boy is willing, Zayn will enjoy it while it lasts. Zayn knows he should do the proper thing and push Liam away. He should have done so when the other boy started with the less than platonic cuddles and he definitely should do so now. Zayn’s still weak though. 

When Liam’s mouth opens against Zayn, his tongue teasing against Zayn’s lips more firmly, Zayn loses all train of thought. He surges inside Liam’s welcoming mouth. This time he knows the groan ringing in his ears is his. Liam tastes faintly of wine, but the deeper taste of _Liam_ has Zayn’s mind reeling. Liam presses upwards, his mouth an even more firm pressure against Zayn’s as Liam’s tongue joins in the dance. 

Zayn explores the inside of Liam’s mouth. Liam gives as good as he takes. His tongue is a wet and hot slide against Zayn’s own. Another groan escapes him. Zayn’s pants are getting too tight with an alarming speed. The hand Zayn still has buried in Liam’s hair tightens his grip. Zayn gently tugs, which makes Liam moan into his mouth wantonly. At the same time, Liam grinds his groin against Zayn’s leg. 

That’s the moment Zayn fullly loses it. 

With a move that’s surprisingly smooth for the lack of space on the couch, Zayn flips the two of them over, until he’s lying on top of Liam. Liam instinctively spreads his legs a little. Zayn fits between them easily, their groins touching. Zayn groans against Liam’s lips when he feels Liam hard against his hipbone. He grinds down on Liam with a gentle role of his hips. Liam responds beautifully, rolling his hips upwards. This time Liam groans, the sound needier than Zayn’s groan a minute before. 

One kiss. One real kiss and things are spiralling out of control. Fast. 

Zayn deepens the kiss, his hands frantically touching Liam where he can reach him. He’s already getting frustrating about the amount of fabric he’s touching. He wants heat and skin. 

Liam appears to be thinking the same thing. His right hand sneaks under Zayn’s t-shirt, moving over his back in slow slides. Keeping control of the situation gets even more difficult for Zayn. All his senses are only focused on one thing. 

Liam. Liam. Liam. Liam. Liam. 

Zayn breaks the kiss and gulps, his lungs screaming for air. He can’t stop himself though. His lips find Liam’s neck. Liam arches into it instantly, a breathless moan leaving his mouth when Zayn sucks gently. 

“Fuck. Zayn.”

Liam moaning his name is definitely one of the sexiest things Zayn has ever heard. Zayn graces his teeth over Liam’s skin, eliciting a groan from the other boy, as well as another firm grind of Liam’s hips against his own. White hot pleasure shoots up Zayn’s spine. Liam’s hands start moving again, nails digging into his back with just the right amount of pressure. Zayn moans loudly. He’s fumbling with the hem of Liam’s t-shirt, wanting to touch skin as well.

When Liam’s other hand moves to the button of Zayn’s jeans, the bubble bursts. 

Oh, Zayn wants. 

Christ, he really wants. 

Zayn wants to get out of his own clothes, get rid of Liam’s clothes as well. He wants to wreck the other man in the most pleasurable of ways, until Liam can’t even remember his own name. He wants Liam writhing under him. He wants Liam begging for him, coming completely undone. 

But he can’t. 

Liam is drunk. Hell, Liam probably isn’t even sure if this is what he wants. Zayn won’t be that guy. He won’t take advantage of Liam. 

Not any more than he already has, at least. 

Zayn breaks the kiss and gulps for air. Underneath him, Liam is also catching his breath. When Liam opens his eyes, Zayn almost throws his damned morals out of the window. Liam’s eyes are hooded with lust. His cheeks are flushed. Liam’s lips are red and swollen from Zayn’s assault. 

Liam looks ravished. Just not ravished enough. Zayn swallows hard and tries to move away from Liam. The move makes Liam’s face fall a little. Zayn hates how insecure Liam looks all of a sudden. That was never his intention. He just can’t find the words to explain to Liam why he broke away from him. His brain still isn’t working properly.

“Zayn, I-”

Zayn presses his thumb against Liam’s lips to silence him. “Shh. It’s fine.”

Liam nods, eyes focusing on Zayn. His tongue sneaks out, gently sliding against the pad of Zayn’s thumb. “Liam.” Zayn groans. He quickly pulls back his hand. He wants to sit up, but Liam’s arm is like a steel band around him. “Stay.”

“That’s not a good idea, Li.”

“I want you to.”

Damn Liam and his gorgeous eyes and his sinful lips. Zayn has to physically force himself to create some distance between himself and Liam’s warm body. “We really shouldn’t.”

Liam actually pouts. Zayn would have laughed about it if Liam’s lips weren’t red and moist from their heated kisses. “I’m not beyond begging.” Is what falls from those sinful lips.

“Christ, Liam.” Zayn groans. His jeans feel even tighter at those words, and for a second Zayn imagines Liam doing exactly that, before shaking out of it. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“I want you.” 

“You’re drunk.”

“Still want you. Please?” Liam mumbles. Zayn places a hand against Liam’s cheek, forcing Liam to look at him, while he caresses Liam’s cheek gently. “Ask me again when you’re sober.”

Only after saying those words, Zayn realises that the words are basically an admission of wanting Liam as more than just a friend. He can’t take the words back though. 

Even drunk, Liam knows when to admit defeat. His arms fall on the couch next to his body limply. Zayn misses the warmth of them immediately. With one last brush of his thumb over Liam’s lips, Zayn pulls himself off Liam and off the couch. Liam follows more slowly. He smiles at Zayn shyly when he’s finally standing. Liam looks flushed and the bulge at his crotch is recognizable, even in the wide joggers he’s wearing. Zayn inhales through his nose sharply. If he wants to keep his resolve, he needs to get away from Liam. 

Now. 

He grabs Liam’s wrist, and starts to pull him out of the Livingroom. With his free hand, Zayn flicks off the lights. He guides Liam towards and up the stairs. Liam follows obediently. “Where are we going?” 

“Bed.” Zayn replies.

“Alone?” 

Zayn snorts. “Yes, Liam. Alone.”

“Fine.” Liam moves in the direction of the guestroom, while Zayn turns towards his own bedroom. “Zayn?”

Zayn looks over his shoulder, to find Liam still standing in the same spot. “Mmm?”

“I…” Liam bites his lip. “Goodnight.”

Zayn knows that’s not what Liam wanted to say, but he’ll let it slide now. “Night. Leeyum.”

Liam turns around abruptly and quickly moves into his bedroom. The door falls shut, leaving Zayn alone in the dark. 

Fuck. 

Zayn almost groans out loud. What the hell did he just do? 

***

As soon as he walks into the kitchen the next morning, Zayn knows his tossing and turning all night had been for nothing. Liam looks up from his phone as soon as Zayn enters the kitchen and points to the freshly made coffee. Liam shows no sign of awkwardness whatsoever. “Morning, Zayn.” Liam says, a bright smile on his face. 

“Morning.” Zayn raises an eyebrow. “No hangover?”

“Nope. I feel surprisingly fine.” The smirk on Liam’s face is so _not_ Liam, Zayn can’t stop staring. Liam looks rather hot like that. After the next words out of Liam’s mouth, Zayn wishes he had looked away and turned around just a few seconds earlier though. 

“I guess falling sleep completely relaxed helped.” Liam winks and his smirk widens.

The implication of those words seems clear and Zayn’s cheeks heat up immediately. Oh, Christ. Does Liam actually mean what his own mind instantly conjures up? Images of a flushed Liam, slowly jerking off, dance around behind closed eyelids. Zayn bites the inside of his cheeks hard, to focus on something else instead of the images now ingrained on his brain, and turns towards the counter to get himself some coffee. To get his eyes off Liam. 

As he thought before, when Liam was standing next to his pool in L.A., Zayn can’t help but think once more that Liam Payne will be the death of him eventually.

It’s not like he hadn’t imagined the exact thing Liam implied, lying in his own bed last night, still impossibly turned on from Liam’s kisses and touches. As soon as he had his hand wrapped around himself, all he had been able to think about was Liam. The way Liam had sounded, groaning and breathing out Zayn’s name. The flush on Liam’s cheeks and the way his brown eyes had darkened. The idea of Liam lying in his guestroom, thinking about Zayn and getting himself off, had been enough to make Zayn come hard. 

As heavy and sluggish as his body had felt after the intense orgasm, Zayn hadn’t been able to fall asleep. Coming down from his high, light panic had set in. He’d worried that he ruined things between himself and Liam, that he’d taken advantage of the other boy. 

He’d worried things would be weird between him and Liam this morning. 

He wasn’t wrong. 

Things _are_ weird. But it’s a whole other kind of weird than Zayn expected. He had expected shy glances, mumbled sentences or perhaps a Liam who would be awkward around him. He even worried Liam would be ashamed or angry – he hadn’t been able to decide on which of the two would be worse. 

He hadn’t counted on a Liam who was grinning wickedly and throwing innuendo at him. 

“Ehm.” Zayn has trouble finding the words. He takes a deep breath and turns back to Liam. “More coffee?”

Liam snickers softly but nods and offers his mug to Zayn to fill up. Zayn chuckles to himself at the glint in Liam’s eyes. The little shit is enjoying driving him crazy, Zayn thinks. 

The thought makes Zayn freeze. That means Liam’s doing it on purpose. 

Is he? 

Zayn swallows hard. He takes both mugs filled with steaming coffee to the breakfast counter. Liam sips his slowly and turns his attention back to his phone. Zayn practically inhales his own coffee. He needs the caffeine to clear his head this morning. 

He steals glances at Liam while drinking his coffee. The other boy is engrossed in his phone for a few minutes, texting with someone furiously. Despite Zayn being on edge, and lust still surging through his body, sitting in silence with Liam is oddly comfortable. It’s familiar. Him and Liam used to just sit together all the time during One Direction’s high days. They seemed to gravitate to each other the few moments they hadn’t been working. He missed having someone to just sit with and not having to be social. 

Of course, Liam catches him staring and for what feels like the millionth time since Liam arrived at his house, Zayn feels himself blushing. He smiles tentatively and Liam smiles back. Liam deliberately puts his phone away. “You okay?” He asks. 

“Yeah.” Zayn mumbles.

“Okay.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow when Liam seems to deliberate his next words. Which makes sense when the words actually leave Liam’s mouth. 

“I’m sober now.” 

Zayn chokes on his coffee. He gets off his stool and turns around to grab a kitchen towel. After he wipes away the coffee that dribbled on his chin, he turns back towards Liam. “What the fuck, Liam?”

“You said to ask you again when I was sober. I’m sober now.” Liam grins, like he’s pleased he managed to catch Zayn off guard again. 

“I..” Zayn can’t find his words. “What?” 

“I’m sober. And I still want you, Zayn.”

“Fuck.”


	5. Four

_  
“Fuck.”_

_Zayn’s voice has a breathless quality to it as he swears. His eyes are wide, staring at Liam._

_Liam takes a deep breath and steps closer. He’s acting much bolder than he feels. Last night, his boldness had been fuelled by alcohol, which had made him push Zayn back onto the couch and cuddle up to him. Nerves had made his body hum. It was_ Zayn _he was pressing himself against, after all. But it’d felt good. Really good. It had made him wonder what it felt like to actually kiss Zayn. Since his trip to L.A. Liam had been dreaming – rather vividly – about kissing Zayn more than once. When Zayn hadn’t pushed him away, had actually looked like he wanted to pull Liam closer, Liam had decided to be even bolder._

_He’d never been afraid to go after someone he wanted. A little shy sometimes, sure. Uncertain, yes. But he’d always force himself to take the plunge, because taking a risk was usually the only to get something worth having – advice from his grandmother._

_Going after Zayn shouldn’t have felt any different._

_Boy, was Liam wrong._

_The moment Zayn had flipped them over on the couch, Liam had been willing to let Zayn do to him whatever Zayn wanted. In hindsight, it was a good thing Zayn had pulled away and made them go to bed separately. Otherwise Liam_ would have _resorted to begging. The alcohol had not only made him bolder, it had also made him lose his inhibitions and common sense. It would have been too fast, too soon._

_Too fast, too soon._

_It’s actually a good description of his feelings for Zayn, Liam realises as he looks at Zayn, who’s leaning against the counter with wide eyes. Liam’s feeling too fast, too soon, but he can’t stop himself. Seeing Zayn again after years, spending time with him, talking to him; it opened a floodgate of emotions that Liam finds hard to keep under wraps. Now that he’s allowed himself to feel them, there’s no stopping it. He doesn’t want to push those feelings away._

_He wants to submerge himself in them and be as close to Zayn as he can._

_Starting now._

_Zayn’s eyes grow almost comically wide when Liam walks over to him and places each hand on the counter behind Zayn. “Liam.” Zayn breathes out Liam’s name, when he effectively traps Zayn between the kitchen counter and his own broader body._

_They stare at each other. Liam can smell Zayn’s body wash – spicy and fresh – and he inhales sharply. It makes the balance between him and Zayn shift. Liam can read the exact moment where shock makes way for certainty in Zayn’s eyes. Zayn looks rather fetching like that and Liam finds it hard to keep a clear mind._

_“I-” Liam stutters when Zayn places his hands on Liam’s hips, the feeling distracting him from whatever he wanted to say. Zayn pulls Liam closer, bodies pressed together. “What?” Zayn has definitely taken control of the situation – a little smirk now tugging at the corners on his lips. “What do you want, Liam?”_

_“I..” Again, Liam can’t find his words. Zayn’s hands are kneading into his hips gently. The fingers of Zayn’s right hand slip under Liam’s shirt a few centimetres, enough to touch bare skin. The muscles in his stomach tense under the gentle slide of Zayn’s fingers. A pleasant shiver runs up Liam’s spine. It makes Zayn’s smirk widen. It’s the last thing Liam sees, because Zayn moves closer. Zayn buries his face in the crook Liam’s neck and inhales. “I need you to say it, Li.” He whispers on the exhale. Zayn’s lips are barely moving, but Liam feels every flutter against his skin. It makes his blood rush through his veins._

_“Kiss me.” Liam gasps. He gets only a second to marvel at how breathless Zayn manages to make him with just a few touches, before Zayn effectively shuts down his brain. By closing his mouth over Liam’s._

_Liam sags against Zayn. He wraps his arms around Zayn’s narrow waist, pulling him closer. Zayn groans against Liam’s lips, his tongue sneaking out, demanding entrance. Liam immediately grants it. This time, Liam is the one groaning, the expert slide of Zayn’s tongue against his own makes his toes curl against the cold floor._

_Just like the night before, kissing Zayn is overwhelming. It’s not like anything Liam’s ever felt before. Zayn’s lips are soft against his own, but the other sensations are new. When Liam presses closer, he’s met with the hard lines and strong muscles of Zayn’s chest, where he’s used to soft curves. Zayn’s hands are more powerful, more demanding, as one grips his back, while the other one is still stroking his stomach teasingly._

_Liam’s never kissed someone who could so easily take control, who is stronger than him. A moan escapes him at the thought. The sound makes Zayn press closer to him and Liam can’t help himself. He starts tugging at Zayn’s shirt, wanting more of Zayn’s skin on display. He wants easier access, he wants to touch and explore._

_Zayn hums into his mouth when Liam’s hands make contact with his skin. The hand that had been resting on Liam’s back moves upwards and tangles with Liam’s hair. Zayn tugs gently once, then slightly harder a second time. The whine that leaves Liam’s throat sounds needy, even to him. Liam’s fingers scramble for something to hold on to, to pull Zayn closer to him. Before Liam gets the change to do so, Zayn breaks the kiss._

_Liam’s breath is ragged as he opens his eyes. Zayn’s eyes have darkened. His breathing is just as laboured as Liam’s and that devastatingly sexy smirk is back in place. Liam’s jaw drops slightly when Zayn gently tugs his hair again. He sighs and that spurs Zayn into action. He turns the two of them around and shoves Liam backwards, one step, two steps until Liam’s back is pressed against the fridge. Liam gasps when Zayn pushes forward, his hips against Liam’s. Zayn rolls his hips – the same movement as the night before that instantly has Liam wishing for more. Another gasp escapes him and Zayn repeats the motion. Liam feels his cock harden. He bites his lower lip to hold back another gasp when Zayn doesn’t let up._

_One last smirk and Zayn’s lips are back on Liam’s. Zayn doesn’t waste any time to deepen the kiss. Liam’s head is spinning, too many sensations hitting him at once. Zayn’s hand in his hair, the other one splaying over his skin just under the waistband of his jeans, slowly but surely driving Liam insane with want. Zayn’s tongue invading his mouth, gliding over his sensually. It’s almost too much. Just like the night before, things are spiralling into something much, much more than just a kiss. A moan bubbles up and Liam’s hands grip Zayn’s t-shirt. The material bundles up in his hands, but it gives him something to hold on to._

_That is, until Zayn’s hands start moving. Liam immediately misses them on his body and his hips roll forward for some kind of friction. Zayn’s hands find his arms, sliding down tantalizingly slow. Another shiver slams through Liam’s body and he grinds his hips harder. Zayn groans into his mouth roughly at that, so Liam does it again. And again. Until he feels lightheaded with it. The friction is enough to get him fully hard, but not enough to do anything else. It’s the sweetest form of torture._

_Zayn’s hands circle Liam’s wrists. He pulls Liam’s hands away from his back and presses them against the cold surface of the fridge. Zayn breaks the kiss and buries his face against Liam’s neck. He licks a stripe over the vein. “You taste so good.”_

_Liam’s only response is another moan. He has no idea how Zayn manages to make him so incoherent. Liam wants to say something, anything, but when he opens his mouth, Zayn grinds his hips against his again. The feeling of Zayn’s erection against his own, separated by just layers of clothing makes Liam lose all train of thought. He wants to move his hands, to touch Zayn again. Zayn’s hands are still around his wrists, holding them still while his mouth continues to do wicked things to his neck. Liam tries to move his hands again, but Zayn tightens his grip just slightly to hold them in place. It’s a show of strength, of dominance that makes Liam shiver. “Fuck.”_

_“Hmm?” Zayn bites his neck lightly._

_“Zayn, I-”_

_Zayn licks the skin he’s just bitten. Liam tries to move his hands again. Once more, Zayn’s grip tightens for a fraction of a second. It’s enough to make Liam’s knees buckle. “Zayn, please.” Liam doesn’t know what he’s asking for, but it makes Zayn move back. He looks at Liam. The stare makes Liam squirm against Zayn’s body. He can feel Zayn’s cock twitch at the friction it causes._

_Zayn bites his lower lip, still eyeing Liam. “I want…”_

_Zayn’s voice trails off and his hands release Liam’s wrists. Liam keeps them pressed against the fridge though, missing Zayn’s grip to settle him. He can’t take his eyes off Zayn. The other man seems to be contemplating something. The only sound in the kitchen is their ragged breathing until Zayn breaks it. “Tell me to stop if you need to.”_

_What?_

_Liam doesn’t know what Zayn is talking about until the other man starts to move. Liam suddenly can’t breathe when he realises exactly what Zayn is doing._

_Oh God._

_Liam’s brain stops working, just for a few seconds, when Zayn sinks down to his knees. “Zayn,” Liam croaks. “I-“_

_Zayn raises an eyebrow in question. Slowly, he runs his hands up Liam’s legs, from his ankles to his thighs. For a few heartbeats, Zayn’s hands rest on the strong muscles. Liam is still struggling to breathe, unable to tear his eyes away from Zayn._

_Zayn. On his knees, in front of Liam, about to-_

_Liam chokes on the thought and his hips twitch forward involuntarily. With a final look at Liam, Zayn breaks the stare, eyes focusing on Liam’s crotch. Zayn’s hands fumble with the button of his jeans, before slowly pulling down the fly._

*

Liam wakes up with a gasp. He’s lying on his stomach, hands gripping the sheets next to the pillow. As if they have a will of their own, his hips are rutting against the sheets in a steady rhythm. The friction isn’t enough though. 

Liam flips around. As soon as he’s lying on his back, he wraps his right hand around himself. He pumps lazily for a few moments, to take off the initial pressure. His groan echoes through the bedroom, when he remembers Zayn looking up to him through impossible long lashes. The moment Liam closes his eyes he sees the teasing smirk on Zayn’s face. He groans again and speeds up the movement of his hand. His hips start thrusting, his cock disappearing into the circle of his hands. Just a minute later, he throws his left hand over his face as he comes over his stomach with a loud gasp. 

It takes Liam a few minutes to catch his breath. He’s still too lazy to move, the orgasm making his body feel pleasantly heavy. It’s been a week since he’s seen Zayn, as Zayn had work to do and had to spend the little free time he has in the U.K. with his family. It’s been a week since Zayn had pressed him against the fridge and sank to his knees. And every morning since, Liam had been waking up with a raging hard-on that wouldn’t go down by itself. 

Confusion washes over him again. If he wants Zayn so much that he’s dreaming about him every single night, then why had he freaked out so much when it was actually happening? Liam can’t remember ever wanting someone as much as he wants Zayn – he had envisioned himself with Zayn sans their clothing multiple times. At least half of those day dreams had led to a wank that probably wasn’t as satisfying as the real thing would be. 

At the same time, Liam’s terrified by how much he wants Zayn. So terrified that it’d actually made Zayn stop when Liam had the chance to have Zayn. 

*

_Zayn’s hand brushes his cock through the fabric of his jeans. Liam grunts and he thrusts his hips forward, seeking more of that delicious friction. Zayn smirks up at him. With his free hand, he pushes up Liam’s shirt, revealing the smooth planes of his stomach. Zayn leans forward and presses a kiss against the skin. Liam’s muscles jump at the touch. Zayn’s tongue sneaks out briefly, light as a feather. The touch is followed by a scrape of teeth, before Zayn sits back again._

_Zayn stares up at Liam again, while both hands are fumbling with his jeans. The moment Zayn starts tugging down the fly, Liam tenses. And not in a good way. His whole body goes rigid, brain suddenly working in overdrive._

_The tension takes Liam completely off guard. It’s definitely not the first blow-job he’s about to receive. The concept shouldn’t be so foreign to him. He shouldn’t be feeling nervous. Or scared. ‘But this is_ Zayn _’, a voice in his head tells him. Zayn, who had been his best mate. Zayn, who he’d fallen in love with all those years ago without him even realising it. Zayn, who was helping him slowly get out of the low he found himself in lately. Zayn, who he’s again developing feelings for that go way beyond friendship. Zayn, who’s a_ man _._

_Liam realises he’s overthinking it, but he can’t seem to get his brain to shut up. Oh god, Zayn is on his knees in front of him. Now is not the time to have freak out about what it means that he wants Zayn. Or that Zayn is a bloke. But what would happen if he lets Zayn continue? Would it ruin whatever is growing between them? Is it too fast?_

_And what does it mean that he wants Zayn’s mouth on him, that the idea of Zayn sucking him off makes his cock throb. Does wanting it means he has to reciprocate? Does he want to? He’s not against the idea, but it’s foreign territory and he has no idea how or where to start. He feels like a blushing virgin again. And Liam hates it._

_The thoughts are firing at rapid speed. No more than a few seconds could have passed since Zayn had started to undo his jeans, but to Liam it feels forever. He can’t shake out of it. When he glances down, he notices that Zayn is frozen to the spot, watching Liam. Both of them are motionless for another few seconds._

_It’s Zayn who breaks the tension._

_By sitting backwards on his heels, before raising himself up._

_“Zayn, I…” Liam’s voice trails off. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say now._

_“It’s okay, Liam.”_

_“No, I…” Panic washes over Liam. He doesn’t want to push Zayn away, or to stop whatever is happening between them. Liam squirms under Zayn’s gaze. Liam knows Zayn is trying to read him. Hesitatingly, Liam reaches out for Zayn. All of a sudden, he can’t stand the physical distance between them, even though he’s the one who initiated said distance by freaking out. He grabs Zayn’s arm and gives a little tug forward._

_Zayn sags forward, relief watching over his face. A little uncertain – almost as if Zayn’s afraid Liam will push him away – Zayn pulls Liam into a hug. “Don’t overthink it, Li.” He mutters into the crook of Liam’s neck. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want. We don’t have to do anything, period.”_

_Liam takes in a deep breath. Zayn’s scent wraps around him and calms his nerves somewhat. By the look in Zayn’s eyes when he sank down on his knees and smirked up at Liam, Liam knows that not doing anything at all isn’t really what Zayn wants. It’s not what he wants either – he trusts Zayn and the idea of being close with him, skin sweaty and body’s gliding, makes Liam’s blood rushes faster. He doesn’t know why he isn’t ready for it. He tries to voice his thoughts, but what comes out of his mouth is a garble of short sentences. “I want you. I just… I don’t know, I..”_

_Zayn cups his cheek and makes Liam look at him. “It’s okay if you need to work this out first.”_

_“I’m almost 24 years old. I shouldn’t be having a sexuality crisis now.” Liam mumbles defiantly._

_“I don’t think there’s an age limit, Liam.”_

_“I don’t even know if that’s what this is.”_

_“Huh?” Zayn looks at him questioningly._

_“I don’t know why I’m so nervous.” Liam admits, voice small. He feels the tension in his pulled-up shoulders, like he’s trying to curl into himself. “It’s not because I don’t want you.”_

_“Leeyum.” Zayn breaths out his name. Liam gladly lets himself being pulled into another hug, Zayn’s body a warm and solid anchor._

*

Liam shakes his head, as if he can literally shake the thoughts out of his head. He had relived that moment in Zayn’s kitchen so often, he was starting to question his own sanity. He still can’t put his finger on _why_ he had freaked out. Zayn had been so kind. He’d tried to help Liam make sense of it. But Zayn isn’t the right person to talk to about this. 

This time though, he doesn’t feel the need to call his mother. This is definitely something he is _not_ discussing with her. 

This is something he has to figure out for himself. Part of him – probably the more rational part – knows he’s making too big a deal of this. Having sex with someone for the first time is always a little daunting; at least when he cares about the person. Of course, with a one-night stand he always felt vulnerable about getting naked in front of a stranger as well, but that’s not what this is about. He cares about Zayn, he doesn’t want to mess things up. Of course, there’s the added fact that he never had sex or something remotely sexual with a bloke. He’s bound to be at least a little nervous. 

It’s the irrational side of him that can’t let it go. 

The groan that comes out of his mouth is one of frustration. It’s time to snap out of it. Starting with a shower. Liam pulls himself up and out of bed, into his bathroom and into the luxurious shower stall his ex-girlfriend had shown to him in a magazine when he was thinking about re-doing the bathroom. It had two showerheads of the waterfall kind, but it was wide enough to comfortably fit two persons under one of the sprays as well. Liam had fallen in love with it immediately. Only two weeks later, it had been installed and he’d enjoyed it every day since. 

Immediately, the idea of Zayn in his shower, water gliding down his naked chest, makes Liam’s heart beat a little faster. His mind keeps imagining a naked Zayn multiple times a day, so shouldn’t be ready to _actually_ get naked with Zayn? 

Liam remembers how Zayn had done his best to convince Liam that things were fine, that it didn’t matter at all that he wasn’t ready for anything more than a few heated kisses. And even if Liam decided that that wasn’t what he wanted either, Zayn had promised he would be okay with that too. Sweet, selfless Zayn had tried everything he could to make Liam relax. But when they had stepped away from the fridge and sat down at the kitchen table, things had been awkward. Liam hated the distance between them immediately and he hated that he was the one who had caused it. Zayn had busied himself by making more coffee, while Liam had been biting his lip as he watched Zayn move around the kitchen. 

Zayn had been just as nervous as Liam. They’d kept glancing on each other shyly. Zayn had deliberately scooted his chair further away from Liam, as if to give him some space. As soon as he’d done it, a look of uncertainty had fallen over Zayn’s face; it seemed like he didn’t want to give Liam the wrong idea either. Liam had tried to smile, but the way Zayn had flushed had told Liam it was more a weird grimace on his face than anything else.

Half an hour – and in Zayn’s case, two more cups of coffee – later, Liam had had enough. He’d slammed his empty cup on the table a little harder than necessary. It did the trick though, Zayn’s eyes had been focused on him in an instance. “Li?”

“I don’t want things to get weird now.” He’d said. Zayn had opened his mouth to reply, but Liam had leaned over the table and pressed a finger against Zayn’s lips. “I don’t want to stop seeing you.”

For a moment, Liam thought he saw some hesitation in Zayn’s eyes, before Zayn’s eyes turned into that determined glint that Liam found himself getting reacquainted with. It was exactly what Liam needed to loosen the knot in his stomach. “I do want this.” He’d emphasized. Zayn had smiled at him and nodded. It had been enough to make any awkwardness disappear for the time being, and the rest of the morning the fact that they’d almost had sex in the kitchen hadn’t mattered anymore. 

It does matter to Liam now. 

But not in a way that is making things awkward. It matters in a way that makes his skin tingle and his blood rush south. The messages full of innuendo that Zayn keeps sending him don’t do anything to lessen the sexual tension between them either. One moment, Zayn is sending him text messages about some comic or something his youngest sister had done now, the next message would mention something like Zayn taking a long, relaxing shower, which is sending Liam’s mind straight into the gutter every time. 

The first flirty comment Zayn had made on the phone, had been immediately followed by an apology. Liam had laughed it off, had turned on the flirting himself. He felt he owed it to Zayn to show the other man that he was genuinely interested, so Liam made sure to let Zayn how Zayn made his blood rush, how much he liked spending time with Zayn or that he couldn’t wait to kiss Zayn again – Liam never hinted at anything more than kissing, but it seemed to be enough for Zayn. Liam’s own flirty messages had been the start of something that led to Liam being in a constant state of turn-on. And half of the time, Liam was convinced Zayn didn’t even meant for his messages to be sexual or teasing at all. 

Bloody hell. He’s driving himself mad. On the one side, the idea of sex with Zayn is petrifying. On the other side, he can’t stop imagining the ways he can get Zayn naked as soon as possible. It makes him feel like an idiot. He’ll end up with a whiplash, the way his mind is pulling in different directions. He really needs to talk to someone about this, before he actually does go insane. 

 

***

 

"Hello son." 

Liam let's himself being pulled into a hug by his father. "Hi, dad." His father squeezes his shoulders for a moment and Liam inhales deeply. His father’s familiar scent immediately calms the nerves that’s been running through his body the last few days. Liam never wanted to admit to anyone that he used to spray a few of his t-shirts with his father’s cologne before he’d left on One Direction’s first and second tour, just to have something reminding him of home with him on the tours that seemed so daunting. Zayn, of course, had immediately realised the smell wasn’t from Liam’s own soap or cologne. Liam remembers admitting it was his father’s with a blush. Zayn had smiled wistfully, as if he’d regretted not thinking of something like that himself. 

Christ. All his thoughts seem to go back to Zayn one way or another, Liam realises with a startle as he pulls out of the hug.

Geoff's look is scrutinizing, as he looks at Liam from head to toe. "You okay?"

"Yeah, dad." Liam replies, but he can't help his cheeks flushing a little. He hates that he blushes so easily lately. "'M fine." 

"Hmm..." Geoff's voice drips with disbelief. He nudges his son's shoulder, but he doesn't comment on Liam's red cheeks. "Ready for this?" Geoff fidgets with his tie. He never liked dressing up formally. Liam smiles warmly. He misses spending time with just his father. "Yeah, I am. Can't wait for the official part to be over though." He whispers conspiringly. His father huffs out a laugh. "That makes both of us." 

The two men walk into the decorated dining hall together. One of Liam's cousins is getting married. It's not a cousin he's spend a lot of time with in his life, but his mother stood on formalities; the whole family had been invited to the wedding, so the whole family should attend. Liam doesn't know how his sisters managed to get out of the family function. They always manage to do so, yet they refuse to share their strategies with him. Spending a day with his father isn't so bad though, Liam thinks to himself as he takes a seat next to his father in the back of the room. It looks nice, albeit to flowery and shiny for Liam. 

The ceremony is lovely. Liam can't help but feel a bit envious when he looks at the happy couple; it's what he wants as well, to be that happy with someone. Despite all that’s going on in his life right now, loneliness still has a tendency to overwhelm him at the oddest of times. 

With a sigh, Liam watches as the bride and groom kiss each other at the minister’s approval. After that, the next hour is a blur. Despite not being in a world-famous band at the moment, some of his relatives – the ones he hardly sees – still look at him like he’s some kind of rarity. When he was younger it used to bother him; if he couldn’t be just Liam with his family, what chance did he have? Now he’s grown older, he accepts it with a shrug. There’s nothing he can do about it, so he answers all his relatives’ questions dutifully, even smiling for a picture with a younger, distant cousin and her fifteen year old friend. 

When he finally makes it to the table seating him and his parents, his father slides a beer in his direction as soon as Liam sits down. Liam takes a big gulp immediately and smiles at his father thankfully. “Thanks.” 

“I thought the attention would’ve died down a little by now.” Geoff’s tone leaves no doubt how he feels about his son being hounded by people, or press. 

“Yeah, well…” Liam shrugs. 

“Is it the same for the others?”

“I guess.” Liam shrugs again. “They all have music out or about to. Tends to draw attention.”

“Hmm.” His father hums. “And Zayn?”

Geoff tries to say it off-handed, but he’s failing miserably. His voice isn’t quite as steady and his eyes are focused on Liam. Liam is a bit taken back by his father’s question. He had no idea if his mother would talk to his father about the rekindled friendship. Of if she told her husband about Liam’s feelings for Zayn. 

His father’s next question proves that his mum hadn’t held back any information. “If you two are-. Well, that’s going to draw even more attention, isn’t it?”

“I-”

“Your mum wanted to prepare me a bit.” Geoff offers as explanation for him knowing, as if Liam hadn’t figured that out. It sounds more like Geoff is trying to diffuse the tension than anything else. His father still looks like he wants to know what’s what though. Liam nods in reply, knowing his father had probably needed the time provided by his mother to get used to the idea of him and Zayn being whatever they were at the moment. He’s still taken by surprise by his father’s direct approach though. “I-” He starts again, but he has no idea what to say to his father. 

“You like him, is what your mum said.”

“Yeah.” Again, Liam’s cheeks heat up. “I do.”

“And you want…” Geoff’s voice trails off. He seems as uncomfortable as Liam feels. Liam hates it; he never had a problem to talk to his father about anything. He doesn’t want to start now. So he takes a deep breath and nods. “Yes, dad. I do.”

“He likes you too?”

“I think so.” Liam rubs his neck, face heating up even more. “We’ve been talking a lot.”

“Okay.” Geoff takes a sip of his beer. Then he looks at Liam, his expression unreadable. "Are you sure you don't want to settle down with a nice girl?" 

Liam's face falls at the question. For just a second, he wonders if his father is judging him. That is, until he glances at his father. The older man looks at him with a mixture of sadness and confusion on his face. His shoulders are slumped and the lines in his face are prominently visible. Whatever made his father ask the question, it's not because he wouldn't accept Liam's choices. "Dad-"

"It's not that I don't like Zayn, but-" Geoff frowns. "You both have such public lives. I don't want people to give you a hard time about this." Geoff places a hand on Liam's shoulder and squeezes. "I just want the best for you, Li." 

"I know." Liam mumbles. 

"Are you sure about this?"

"I'm not sure of a lot right now." Liam admits quietly, thinking about his life at the moment; the fact that he has no idea what to do with his time, that he doesn't know if he wants to continue in music, that he has a hard time deciding what it is that he wants in general. An imagine of Zayn comes to mind, though, and Liam looks at his father, a determined look on his face. "I just know that spending time with Zayn makes me happy." 

"That's enough for now, son." Geoff gives Liam's shoulder one last squeeze, before dropping his arm. Liam watches as his father takes a big gulp of his beer. From the moment Liam had realised his feelings for Zayn entailed more than just friendship, Liam had known his father would have most trouble accepting Liam having feelings for a boy. And looking at his dad, Liam knows it will take Geoff a while before he's fully used to the idea. Geoff is a simple man, with simple ideas about life. All he needs or wants from life is that his wife and children are happy. While he had supported Liam one hundred percent when he was part of One Direction, Geoff often worried that the fame and fortune would change his son or make life unnecessary complicated. In hindsight, Liam thinks his father may not have been completely wrong; the life he’d led and the publicity with it had been almost too much to handle and it was difficult to find a new rhythm after the hectic life he'd led. Choosing Zayn wouldn't be the easiest way either. 

But as long as his parents support his decision, he can deal with things coming his way. 

 

***

 

“Christ, it’s good to see you.” The words escape Liam before he can stop them. Niall chuckles as he steps through the doorway, into Liam’s house. 

“I’m glad to you see you too, Payne.”

Liam smiles sheepishly as he steps aside to let his former bandmate in. Niall is still beaming when he thrusts another bottle of his infamous Irish whisky into Liam’s hands. “Show me your place? Can’t believe I haven’t been here before.” 

Liam obliges happily and the next half hour is filled with Niall commenting on every room in the house. As soon as they reach the kitchen, Niall makes his way over to the fridge and, without asking, grabs two beers. He hands one to Liam with his typical grin. Liam can’t help but grin back. It feels good to have Niall around. Liam missed him, missed the easy friendship Niall exuded. 

They make their way to the living room. Liam sends Zayn a quick text about Niall visiting as he sinks down on the couch. It only takes half a minute for Zayn to respond, wishing him a good evening – Zayn still gets a little tense whenever Liam mentions the other lads – and asking if Niall at least brought another bottle of whisky. With a grin, Liam confirms that indeed, Niall did. It prompts Zayn into making Liam promise to not drink the bottle alone. They should have fun with it together. Before Liam can respond to that message, or the underlying innuendo, Niall coughs. 

With flushed cheeks, Liam drops his phone on the couch. He shouldn’t ignore Niall in favour of texting Zayn. Nor does he want to. Niall raises one eyebrow at the obvious blush, but the Irishman ignores as he launches into a story about his little cousin. From there on, the conversation flows easily; Niall tells all about his travels, the new songs he’s writing, how he’s still so surprised about the reception of ‘This town’. 

Liam hums and nods in all the right places. He enjoys listening to Niall’s Irish lilt, the way Niall knows how to build up a story. Liam knows Niall realises he’s the only one with enthusiastic stories, but he lets Liam get away with it. That is, until Niall comes back from the loo and finds Liam with his phone again. Liam quickly finishes the text to Zayn and puts his phone away. 

Niall just started a story about some hotel in Thailand, when Liam’s phone beeps again. Liam glances at the screen. It’s a goodnight message from Zayn. 

“You met someone?” Niall asks all of sudden, after apparently catching Liam’s peek at his phone. 

“What?” Liam whips his head to look at Niall. “What makes you say that?” 

“You’ve been texting all evening, when y’think m’not paying attention.” Niall grins when Liam smiles sheepishly. Liam knows he isn’t being the best host, distracted by his phone too often to be considered polite. Niall doesn’t seem to be bothered though. He gently pushes Liam’s shoulder. “Good for you. Glad you met someone.”

“Erm..” Liam doesn’t know what to say, so he smiles again and shrugs. 

“It’s been ages since I saw you smile like that.” Niall sounds tentative, which is not like Niall at all. Liam frowns. “Smile like that?”

“Yeah. You…” Niall rubs the back of his neck. “You used to smile like that all the time. When Zayn…” Niall’s voice trails off. A shock runs through Liam’s body like electricity. He hadn’t realised he’d had a smile that was specific to spending time with Zayn. More importantly, he hadn’t realised how much the other three boys had avoided talking about Zayn when Liam was around until the obvious hesitation in Niall’s right now. Niall even seems to question if it is a bad idea to mention Zayn at all. 

Niall is still looking at Liam expectantly, and Liam feels his cheeks redden. He shrugs. “Well… I guess…”

“What?” 

The gentleness in Niall’s voice pulls on Liam’s heartstrings. God, he missed the Irish idiot. He rewards Niall with honesty. “It’s actually Zayn.” 

“It’s Zayn?” Confusion makes Niall’s nose scrunch up. 

“It’s Zayn I’m texting.” Liam clarifies. Niall’s jaw drops. “Since when?”

“A few weeks ago. I called him.” It sounds so simple when he says it like that. Yet, things aren’t simple at all. 

“And?” Niall prompts. Niall leans into Liam bit further, the movement gives away his curiosity. 

“I visited him in L.A. It was nice to hang out with him again.” 

“So you’re friends again?” Niall’s voice is steady, but Liam can hear the incredulity seep between the words. 

“I guess.” Liam shrugs again. “I really missed him, Ni. And we never really talked about things. I just couldn’t leave it anymore. After I broke up with…” Liam bites his lip, needing some time to gather his thoughts. He decides to go a different route. “It was actually because of your whiskey that I had the guts to call him.” 

Niall laughs heartily at that. “You drunk-dialled him.” 

“Well, yeah.” Liam snickers as well. “But it was good. Really good.”

“I’m happy for you, mate. I know how much it hurt you when he left.” Niall smiles. “So you picked up where you left off?” This time it sounds like a genuine question instead of disbelief. Liam thinks of an answer, thinks of Zayn pressing him against the fridge while kissing him breathless and he decides that he doesn’t want to lie to Niall. Not when Niall is so accepting of the story – of Liam – right now. “Not exactly.”

“Hmm?” Niall questions, while taking a sip of beer. 

“I kissed him.” Liam confesses. Liam has to give Niall credit for his complete lack of a dramatic response; the Irish lad doesn’t choke on the sip of beer he just took. His eyes widen for a fraction of a second. If Liam hadn’t known Niall as well as he did, he would have missed it. 

“Well.” Niall says, smiling gently. “That’s certainly new.”

Liam snickers again. It’s nice that someone is as surprised about this as he is. It’s nice that someone who knew both him and Zayn when they were just best mates thinks it’s surprising that there is more between them. It’s also nice to know that he isn’t the only one surprised by the fact that he’s into a bloke. Niall raises an eyebrow at Liam’s snickering. “My mum knew. Apparently.” Liam offers, shrugging. 

“Knew what?” Niall asks, bringing the beer bottle back to his mouth. 

“That I was in love with Zayn.” 

This time, Niall _does_ choke on his drink. “You what?” 

“I think I was in love with him back then.” Liam doesn’t know why it’s so easy to tell Niall everything. Sure, Niall is one of his best friends, but Niall hadn’t always been the one Liam told his secrets to. Niall was the one he went to when he needed someone to make him laugh, to make him forget his problems. Niall made him happy, without asking something in return. Niall had never pressured Liam into talking about things he wasn’t ready to talk about. Niall was also one of the least judgemental people Liam knew.

“In love with him?” Niall sounds genuinely baffled. 

Liam shrugs again. “Yes.” He takes a big sip of his own beer, to give himself a few seconds to think about how to explain this. “I never felt so lost about someone leaving as I did when Zayn left. I always wanted to be near him. Always wanted to touch him.” 

Liam flushes at Niall’s chuckle. “The two of you were attached to the hip those first years.” 

Liam smiles fondly at the memory. “But I never considered it an option.”

“Because you weren’t sure of Zayn, or…?” 

Again, Liam is stunned by Niall’s gentleness and the way he seems to respond exactly the way Liam needs right now. Liam never questioned if Niall was smart, but now he feels like he missed out on some good conversations all those years. “I never thought that Zayn would be into men.” Liam bites his lip. “But I never thought I would be either. I didn’t even think of it, not even when Zayn left and I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

Niall stays silent and Liam continues without thinking about it. “I’m confused as fuck about it.”

“About Zayn?”

“No. About whether or not I’m into men now. If this means I’m bisexual.” Frustration gives Liam’s voice an edge. 

“You really need to define it right now?” Again, Niall asks without any judgement. Liam thinks about the answer for a moment. “Doesn’t it mean something that I have these feelings for Zayn?”

“Should it mean anything?” Niall looks at Liam intently. “I mean, anything more than you wanting to be with him.”

“I guess not.”

“Are you bothered by it?”

“Bothered?” Liam thinks about it. It doesn’t matter to him that Zayn is a guy. Despite the nerves, it’s everything about Zayn that makes him feel the way he does. It doesn’t have anything to do with Zayn being a bloke. He knows his parents are okay with it, and he knows most of his friends will be too. Liam realises he doesn’t care about the rest of the world at the moment. “No, I’m not.” Liam says with certainty. “I’m just confused about whether or not this is a part of me that I’ve missed all these years. Or if it’s a onetime thing because it’s Zayn.”

“Does it matter?” Niall questions. 

“Huh?”

“Does it really matter whether you’re into men or women?”

“What do you mean?”

“You like Zayn, right?” Niall looks at Liam with a soft smile on his face. 

“Yes.”

“And you want more than friendship?”

“Niall-” Liam feels his cheeks heat up. 

“You want to kiss him?” Niall grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “Do the naughty with him?”

“Yeah” Liam blushes furiously. Niall cackles. “Liam Payne, is the idea of sex with Zayn making you blush?”

“Shut up.” Liam mumbles. He moves to hit Niall on the back of his head, but his former bandmate moves faster. Niall winks at Liam, but his face turns more serious when he leans back against the back of the couch. “So you like him and you want him?” Niall waits for Liam to nod in confirmation before he continues. “Then why does it matter whether the possible next person you like is a man or a woman?” 

Niall’s question throws him off centre. He never thought about it like that. Did it really matter if he never liked any other guy besides Zayn? 

“Take your time to figure out one thing at the time, Liam.” Niall sighs. “It’s hard enough to figure things out with another person. Don’t make it harder by worrying about something that may or may not happen later.”

Liam nods, contemplating Niall’s words. For a few seconds, the room is silent, until Niall bursts into laughter. “Christ, Payne, that was some deep shit.”

Liam snickers as well. “It happens.” 

“Apparently so.” Niall beams at him. “I just have one question though.”

“What?” Liam asks a bit warily, not knowing what to expect. Knowing Niall, it could be a genuine question or complete filth. The lad wasn’t half as innocent as he looked. Niall surprises him by going the more serious route. “What made you call Zayn, besides me excellent whiskey?”

Oh. Liam opens his mouth to answer, but closes it against abruptly. He doesn’t want to fall from one serious conversation into the next, but it seems to be that kind of night. “I felt lonely.” He admits softly. 

“Oh, Liam.” 

Suddenly, Liam can’t seem to hold it all in. “I hate this hiatus. I hate the way it all ended, how you all have your own thing and seem to know what you’re doing while I have no fucking clue.” 

Niall is looking at Liam, mouth open in shock. “Liam-”

“After my relationship fell apart…I hit a low and got drunk.” Liam takes a deep breath. “Zayn was the first person I thought about to call. So I did.” 

“And now?”

“Zayn thinks I should talk to someone. Professionally, I mean.” Liam looks at his hands, feeling a bit ashamed. The others seem to be doing well without the band, why can’t he do the same? Zayn had been adamant about Liam getting some help, actually. They had talked about it, one of the evenings in L.A.. Zayn had said that picking up their friendship wouldn’t make Liam’s feelings of loneliness or not knowing what to do with his life disappear. A few nights ago, Zayn had tried to encourage Liam of it again, by telling how much talking to someone had helped Zayn with his anxiety. Whatever happened between the two of them would probably – Zayn had used to words ‘most likely’ – not be enough to make Liam happy. Partly happy, yes. But it wouldn’t be enough and Zayn wasn’t the one to help Liam with that. Neither would be his parents or other friends. 

Liam sighs, and looks at Niall. “I just don’t know what I want with my life, Niall.” 

“I spend the first few weeks at me mum’s couch.” Niall says. “Literally. I wouldn’t move or go anywhere. She had to tell me to shower or get some fresh air. I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

Liam gapes at Niall. “I thought I-”

“Was the only one confused?” Niall sighs. “Of course not, Li. I was a fucking mess. We were too young and our lives were…” Niall seems to search for a word. “weird. Overwhelming. Crazy as fuck. I think we’re all relatively fine, considering.” 

Liam thinks about his depression. About stories he heard about Zayn’s eating disorder. About the mess Louis made of his relationship, which he only sorted after he became a father. About Harry sometimes being driven into despair because he couldn’t go anywhere or talk to anyone without stories about a relationship making headlines, which made Harry want to act like a reclusive at times. Niall seemed the sanest of them all, but perhaps the Irishman was right: considering everything, they were doing fine. Not one of them had fallen into the trap of drugs or alcohol. 

“Yeah, perhaps.” Liam agrees with Niall. “I just missed you all. Felt like you didn’t need me.” Liam’s voice is small. 

“I _did_ miss you, you knob.” Niall punches Liam’s arm. “I do miss you.”

Liam nods, his throat a little tight. Niall squeezes his arm, before jumping of the couch. “Well, now we’ve dealt with that… Where’s your liquor cabinet, Payne. We deserve something stronger than beer after his heavy shit.”

The tension in Liam’s body releases as he laughs heartily. “Come on, Horan,” He says, getting off from the couch. “Follow me.”

 

***

 

Lying in bed that night, slightly inebriated with Niall equally intoxicated in the guestroom, he decides to put Niall’s advice into action. Don’t worry about what might happen in the future, just try to figure out things between him and Zayn right now. He grabs his phone and sends Zayn a message. 

_Want to spend a few days in London with me before you go back to L.A.?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all you lovely readers who left a comment or kudos. It's greatly appreciated!


	6. Five

Zayn quietly sips his tea, sitting in the dark kitchen of his parents' home. He can't sleep, again. He knows he's supposed to go back to L.A. well-rested, but so far, he's not succeeding very well at the getting well-rested part. Lately, his nights are interrupted more often than not. 

And it all comes down to Liam. 

Zayn's not used to spending the hours he's supposed to be sleeping thinking about someone anymore. It had been a while since he'd been so infatuated with someone, they'd kept him awake at night. 

Liam had managed to sneak back into his life - and thoughts - without much effort. If he's honest, he was a goner from the moment Liam had called him and he had invited Liam to come stay with him in L.A. Liam’s actual visit to L.A. had just settled it. 

Liam's visit to his Bradford home hadn't helped much either. In fact, it had made things even worse. Now that Zayn _knows_ what it's like to kiss Liam, to have Liam's body pressed against his own, Zayn is not sure if he can go back to just being friends. 

"What are you doing up?" 

Zayn startles at his sister's voice. He hadn't expected anyone to join him at this hour, but he should have remembered Doniya's a light sleeper. She gets up more than once during the night when she's not in her own home. When Doniya had heard Zayn would be staying with their parents for a few nights, she had instantly offered to come stay at the family home as well. Zayn knows how much him and his sisters had always enjoyed being home together and how his choice of career doesn't always make that easy. 

"Can't sleep." Zayn mumbles his reply to Doniya's question. "Tea?"

"Yeah." Doniya takes a seat next to Zayn. She had been eyeing him all evening and Zayn knows she's full of questions. "So..." He says, offering his sister an opening. 

Maybe it's good to talk about it with someone, after all. 

"So." Doniya repeats. "Liam."

"Ya." Zayn feels his cheeks heats up. "Liam." 

"He stayed with you?" 

"Ya." 

"And?" Doniya prompts. 

Zayn takes a breath. "He kissed me." 

"What?" True to his sister's nature, she's squealing. "Zayn!" 

Zayn can't help his chuckle, even though he doesn't share Doniya's delight just yet. "I know..."

Doniya bites her lower lip as she scans Zayn's face. "You're not happy?"

"I don't know." Zayn's frustration seeps through every word. "I don't know why he did it."

"Because he likes you?" Doniya grins, probably thinking she's stating the obvious.

"He freaked out afterwards." Zayn admits quietly. He will not go into details about exactly _why_ Liam had freaked out, but it's nice to share it with someone. He'd gone over that moment in his head so many times already. And he’s still not sure what triggered it. Had he been going too fast, or was it because Liam doesn’t want _him_?

"Freaked out about what?" Doniya asks and Zayn feels his cheeks redden further. "I don't know." Zayn is quiet until Doniya motions for him to continue. "I don't know if he's just experimenting or if he's genuinely interested."

"Did you ask?"

Zayn can't keep the incredulous look off his face. Doniya makes it sound so simple. He hadn't asked. Liam had said that he didn't want to stop seeing Zayn, but the other boy had never admitted he _liked_ Zayn. Maybe Liam is just going through a phase, trying new things because he's not happy with his life. Zayn hates that he's so insecure about this. Apparently, it reads on his face, because Doniya squeezes his shoulder, making Zayn look at her. "Ask him, Zayn." She says softly. "Before you get in too deep."

Before Zayn can reply, his phone beeps. It makes his heart skip a beat. Zayn glances at the phone, quite surprised that it is in fact a message from the person he was hoping it would be. After all, Liam is spending the evening with Niall. When Liam had told him so, Zayn's heart had ached for a second or two, before he pushed it away. One step at the time. 

Zayn grabs his phone, checking out the message while Doniya grins at him knowingly. The message makes his heart skip a beat for the second time in the last few seconds. 

_Want to spend a few days in London with me before you go back to L.A.?_

 

***

 

Liam’s greeting is more enthusiastic than Zayn had expected. 

Zayn knows he’s late – it’s a bad habit of him that he hasn’t manage to shake off yet. Of course, he’d left his parents’ home too late and unless he had been driving at a speed twice the speed-limit, he’d known he was going to be late. He had send Liam a text when he left his parents place. 

It’s an hour and a half later when he rang the bell to Liam’s place. 

The door is opened by a grinning Liam, who pulls Zayn inside by his right arm. As soon as Liam closes the front door and Zayn drops his bag on the floor, Liam’s arms are around Zayn. He’s pulled against Liam’s chest and Liam presses a kiss against his neck. “I’m glad you’re here.” He breathes. 

Zayn’s heart starts thumping in his chest. He’s knows it doesn’t have to mean anything, that it’s not an admission of any kind, but Zayn can’t help but hope. The way Liam said the words against his skin, his arms tightening around Zayn’s waist, it _feels_ like more.

“Me too.” Zayn replies. He already sounds equally as breathless as Liam does. 

Liam’s grin is practically blinding when he pulls away slightly. Before Zayn can say something else, Liam presses a quick kiss against his lips. Strangely enough, Liam’s cheeks flush bright red when he pulls back. “Hi.” 

“Hi.” Zayn replies. He can’t help but lean forward to kiss Liam again. Liam had made the first move, after all. His kiss is a little firmer than Liam’s and he flicks his tongue against Liam’s lower lip before he pulls away. 

He feels a satisfying tug in his stomach when Liam’s eyes stay closed for just a few seconds longer. When Liam finally opens his eyes, Zayn grins slyly. “Show me around?” 

“Yeah.” Liam blushes again. “Sure.” 

Zayn is still grinning when he follows Liam deeper into the house. Liam gives him a quick tour and some things fall into place for Zayn. Liam had said once that he never felt really at home in his house and Zayn can understand that. The place is decorated beautifully, but it’s not Liam. Zayn can’t put his finger on it exactly, but it lacks warmth. It’s too clinical, too sterile. Zayn liked the minimalistic interior of parts of his own home, yet it still felt more lived in than this house. The only room that feels like it’s truly used, is Liam’s bed room. Clothes are scattered around, there’s a laptop on the side table, as well as an acient iPod. There’s a woollen blanket on the bed, that Zayn recognises as belonging to Karen once, and there are pictures all around the room. 

He wonders why Liam hadn’t put his personal touch on the rest of the house as well. 

Before he can formulate a question, Liam gently tugs at his arm. Zayn glances around the room one last time, before Liam shows him into the next room, the guest room. When Liam doesn’t say anything, Zayn places bag on the bed and start rummaging through it. He can feel Liam’s eyes on him when he searches through his things for the charger of his phone. Liam is following his every move, and while it could have made Zayn feel uncomfortable, Liam’s stare isn’t. It’s almost as if Liam is waiting for Zayn to comment on the house. Zayn plugs in his phone charger to give himself a few more seconds. When he turns around, Liam is looking at him intently. “Li?”

“It’s strange, right?” Liam shrugs. “It’s my house, but…” 

“It’s a beautiful house.” Zayn doesn’t really know what else to say. Liam smiles softly in response. “It is.” He motions at Zayn’s bag, effectively changing the conversation to a different topic before Zayn can ask anything else. “Why don’t you get into something more comfortable. Dinner is practically ready.” 

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “You cooked?”

“My mum taught me a few tricks.” Liam grins. “Downstairs in fifteen?”

“Sure.” Zayn is slightly confused when Liam leaves the room but changes into something comfortable, just like Liam suggested. He sends his mum a quick text that he made it to London without any problems, but that’s really all he can do in the room. He manages to wait it out for a few more minutes, before he heads downstairs. 

What he finds is another surprise. Liam has actually set the table and a full dinner is on it. Zayn mouth waters immediately. “Is that…”

“My mum’s roast?” Liam looks proud. “Yes.” 

“Oh god.” Zayn practically moans and Liam laughs. “I remembered how much you liked it when you stayed with us that week.”

“That’s an understatement.” Zayn walks over to the table. He’s not always a big fan of proper English meals. His own mother often makes a lot of traditional, Pakistani dishes, and Zayn usually prefers that kitchen over the British one. But Karen’s roast had been to die for and Zayn had almost eaten himself sick with it the first time he had stayed at the Payne’s house. “This is amazing, Li.”

“It’s probably not as good as my mum’s, but…” 

Liam looks shy all of a sudden and Zayn feels a flutter in his stomach. “It smells great.” He briefly grabs Liam’s hand and gives it a squeeze. Liam grins at him, before motioning for Zayn to sit down. He answers Liam grin when the other boy sits across from him and hands him a large spoon. “Dig in.”

*

Zayn groans when his head hits the pillow. As satisfying as dinner was, that satisfaction had turned into frustration rather quickly. 

Zayn wonders if one can die from sexual frustration. 

Liam, with his breathless moans, his full lips, his hands that had been grasping at Zayn; it is driving Zayn crazy. He wants Liam so much, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to rush anything. Not after Liam had so obviously doubted things in Zayn’s kitchen. Not when it’s only the first time they had seen each other after that strange morning. 

Not when Liam had made the whole evening feel like a first date. 

Zayn wanted Liam to be as comfortable as Liam had tried to make Zayn tonight. 

Liam, who had cooked one of his favourite meals. Liam, who had made sure the wine had fitted with dinner. Liam, who had even gotten a dark chocolate dessert that he wasn’t a big fan of himself, but he knew that Zayn loved. Liam, who had been lovely company tonight, attentive, listening to Zayn’s stories, but with funny stories of his own as well. Liam, who had glanced at him bashfully when they were drinking their tea on the comfortable couch in Liam’s living room. Liam, who had kissed him again. 

Zayn doesn’t know how he’ll ever go without Liam’s kisses again. They’re more addictive than anything else. Liam really is an amazing kisser. Their mouths seemed to fit so well together. 

And the way Liam responded to Zayn kissing him had made Zayn completely hard within a few minutes. Liam had pulled Zayn down on the couch with him, until Zayn had been lying on top of him. At first, Zayn had been a little hesitant, but when Liam’s fingers had dug into his back and Liam’s hips had rolled up, Zayn had given up resisting. From there, things had spiralled quite fast. 

Just like they had in Zayn’s kitchen. 

Zayn wanted to be able to keep kissing Liam in the future, so he didn’t want to scare Liam away by going too fast. Liam had made no indication that he wanted to take things beyond kissing. Zayn is okay with that. 

Really, he is. 

Liam’s just too damned sexy for his own good, though. At some point during their heavy kissing session, Zayn’s hard-on had bordered on painful. He’d been able to feel Liam’s erection against his hip as well. That had been the point when Zayn had pulled away. He’d needed to slow down, or he’d probably done something he would have regretted afterwards, like starting to tug at Liam’s clothes to get him naked. 

It felt like Zayn was sixteen again – when he had been so turned on by his first boyfriend, but not been able to do anything about it. 

Zayn had broken the kiss and Liam had looked up at him with red lips and blown pupils. “Zayn?”

“We need to slow down.” He’d mumbled. 

“Yeah.” Liam had replied, before placing his hand on the back of Zayn’s neck and pulling Zayn’s head back to his own. Zayn doesn’t know how long they’d been lazily kissing after that. Pulling himself away from Liam had been difficult. When he’d finally entangled himself from Liam, he’d wondered if things would be awkward again. Liam had excused himself and had been gone for a few minutes. When he’d returned to the couch with two glasses of the last remnants of the wine they’d had at dinner, Liam had looked more pulled together. Conversation had flowed easily the rest of the evening, even though Zayn had trouble concentrating at times. Looking at Liam’s lips when Liam was talking proofed to be too much of a distraction. 

When they had finally called it a night, Zayn thought he was going crazy. 

The feeling hasn’t passed. Zayn is still incredible turned on, even though he’d had a quick wank in the shower just before he’d stepped into bed. He doesn’t know how he’s going to survive the next day and a half in Liam’s presence. 

It’s not just that he wants Liam naked. 

He wants _Liam_.

With every hour spend in Liam’s presence, Liam is getting deeper under his skin. 

It’s been a while since Zayn had actually fallen in love with someone. But he has a feeling that he could, with Liam. 

Zayn loves it, but it scares the hell out of him at the same time. 

He just hopes that Liam wants him as well. Or that he won’t screw things up with Liam. Because Zayn knows himself, and he’s not always the easiest person to be around. 

Zayn remembers Doniya’s advice. He knows he should talk to Liam, but as he lies in bed, between Liam’s sheets, he knows that he’ll need a little more time to find the courage. 

Right now, he prefers being a coward about it. 

As long as he gets to keep kissing Liam, gets to be close to Liam, he’ll allow Liam to set the pace. He’ll allow himself to be a coward a little while longer. 

 

***

 

Liam grins at Zayn as he comes out of the coffee shop and hands Zayn his coffee. Zayn practically inhales the first half of the cup, not caring that the hot liquid burns his throat. He spend the whole morning running after Liam, who had announced that morning - when Zayn was still hardly awake and not fully aware what he was agreeing to - that he wanted to go out. Liam didn't want to spend the whole day inside, he'd said. Zayn had grumbled, but of course he'd gone with Liam. He had yet to learn to say 'no' to a Liam who was peppering his neck with kisses. 

Only half an hour in, Zayn had remembered why he hardly used to go shopping with Liam. Liam was _worse_ than his sisters. At least his sisters accepted Zayn trailing along, sitting down in the corners of shops as soon as he could, looking at his phone, while they were trying on clothes in the fitting room. Liam actually wanted his input. While shopping would never be a hobby, the way Liam kept glancing at Zayn, asking for his opinion, and beaming when Zayn actually made an effort, had made Zayn's heart beat a little faster. 

He was still glad to follow Liam to a nearby coffee bar, readily agreeing with Liam to call it a day. While Liam went inside to get them both a beverage, Zayn had sat outside and smoked a cigarette. He didn't know how Liam had managed to avoid the lines, but Liam was back outside in only five minutes. 

"Good?" Liam grins knowingly. 

"Mmm." Is Zayn's only reply, as he glances at Liam over the edge of his cup. 

"This is nice." Liam says, as he scoots closer to Zayn. He bumps his shoulder against Zayn's. Once again, Liam's smile takes Zayn's breath away for a few seconds. It's not the first time it happened either. Zayn is sure Liam could melt the coldest of hearts when he smiles like that, his lips curved into wide smile and his warm, brown eyes crinkled at the edges - which he knows is something he'll never say out loud, he won't be caught reciting previous lyrics. But the look on Liam's face heats him up from the pit of his stomach. 

They are just smiling at each other, both of them looking over the edges of their cups, when Zayn is distracted by something behind Liam. In fact, it's a someone, Zayn realises he looks closer. Someone who's tugging at someone else's sleeve and pointing at where he and Liam are sitting. It's two girls, late teens or early twenties. Before Zayn can spur into action, the second of the girls pulls out her phone and holds it up. Zayn knows that she's taking pictures of him and Liam. "Fuck."

"What?" Liam frowns, before turning his head to follow Zayn's line of sight. "Oh." He says, when he notices the girls, who come walking over to them. The next few minutes are a blur. Liam greets the girls politely, answers a few of their questions and pulls Zayn close to him for a picture with each of the girls and then both of them. All the while, Zayn is quiet. When the girls turn around to walk away, he finally opens his mouth. "Could you-" His voice trails off. He doesn't even know what he wants from the girls. "Have a nice day, yeah." Zayn mumbles instead.

"They were nice." Liam says, when the girls are out of earshot. Zayn's turns to look at him and he fights to keep the frown of his face. "You realise that picture is going to be all over the fucking internet within _minutes_ , right?"

"Erm..." Liam looks surprised. "Yeah. Is that a problem?" 

Zayn opens his mouth, but again can't find his words. He doesn't know why he feels annoyed right now. Yet the idea of that picture making it to the internet rubs him the wrong way. It makes him uncomfortable, because he has a feeling that a lot of people might have something to say about him and Liam spending time together. "Never mind." He tries to shrug it off, but Liam looks at him intently. He doesn't say anything else though.

The rest of the afternoon, Zayn tries to forget about the picture, and about his own discomfort, but his attempts are shot to hell when he receives a text from a member of his management team. Apparently, TMZ picked up the picture, after it had been circulating on social media the last few hours. 

His management team is not happy. 

Zayn doesn’t know how to feel about that. His management has no idea about what’s going on between him and Liam. The picture of him and Liam smiling, with two beaming girls next to them, is innocent enough. Zayn has the right to be friends with whom he wants. Or more than friends, if that’s where they’re heading – Zayn knows that if things get serious between him and Liam, he’ll have to inform his management. But it hasn’t come to that yet. As far as his management knows, Zayn is just visiting an old friend. There shouldn’t be any harm there. 

Except Zayn understands where his management team comes from. He knows that the next few days – if not longer – no one will be speculating about his upcoming album, or a possible new single he’s preparing and his management had suggested dropping some hints about. 

The next few days, any media coverage will be about One Direction. About him _and_ Liam. Attention is attention, some would say, but Zayn knows it doesn’t work that way. 

“What happened?” Liam sits down next to Zayn, looking at him. “You look angry.” Liam points out. Zayn knows it’s not Liam’s fault, but irritation makes his skin itch. 

“That picture is on TMZ already.”

“Oh.” Liam sounds tentative. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t know, Liam.” Zayn sighs. “My management is not really happy with me.”

“Oh.” Liam says again. 

“You know how it works, Li.”

“Yeah.” Liam shrugs. “But it’s just a picture.” 

Zayn frowns. “You know it’s not just a picture.”

“It’s not a big deal, Zayn-” 

“Not a big deal?” Zayn looks at Liam incredulously. “ _Not a big deal_? These pictures are going to be on every other gossip website in no time.”

“It’s just a picture.” Liam repeats. He’s looking at Zayn with wide eyes. “There’s nothing-”

“That’s not the fucking point, Liam.” Zayn raises his voice. “I don’t want the attention. I never wanted it. Not like this.”

“Zayn-”

“Why do you think I was hiding the last few months?” Zayn knows his irritation is getting the better of him, but he can’t stop himself. The tension that has been building all afternoon is bubbling just below the surface and it makes him lash out. He knows he’s being asshole when he continues talking. “I don’t fucking need this, Liam. Not now. I don’t want every article to be about One Direction.”

“Zayn-”

“It’s why I left the band in the first place. Of course, going out with you…” 

Oh. Fuck. 

That came out wrong.

Zayn’s voice trails off when he sees Liam’s face fall. He instantly feels bad about his ramble, but he can’t take back the words now. Fuck, he should have shut his mouth when he could have. His anger has made him said things he regretted saying out loud before. It had happened before. He’d just hoped he could have avoided it around Liam for a bit longer. 

“If that’s how you feel about this,” Liam’s voice is small. Zayn reaches out to touch Liam’s arm, but Liam shakes him off petulantly. “I don’t know why you’re still here.”

“Liam,” Zayn sits down on the couch next to Liam, but he refuses to look at Zayn. “Li… you know that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean _you_.”

“It’s the same, isn’t it?” Liam is actually glaring now. “You hate being associated with anything related to the band. I’m part of that, Zayn.” 

Zayn opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. His silence urges Liam on. “Forgive me if I don’t feel the same about things. I don’t regret it. Unlike you.” 

Zayn flinches at the malice in Liam’s voice. It's something they should have talked about more. They’d only talked about the band those first few days in L.A.. After that, they had focused on Liam’s loneliness and on the feelings growing between them. Against better judgement, Zayn had hoped his departure from the band – or his lack of enthusiasm when Liam mentioned the other lads – wouldn’t come up again. 

Zayn sighs, he really put his foot in his mouth this time. “Liam.” He tries again. “Li…” 

Finally, Liam looks at him, albeit with an angry face. Zayn bites his lip at Liam’s intense stare. It seems that Liam finds what he’s looking for, because his shoulders relax a little and the sneer on his face disappears. His eyes are still narrowed when he motions for Zayn to start talking. 

“I don’t regret it. I _don’t_.”

The look on Liam’s face shows his disbelief. Zayn shrugs. “I don’t regret leaving either, but I’ll never regret going to that audition or being part of the band.” 

“But?” 

“I never liked the excessive attention. Unlike you guys, I couldn’t deal with it.” Zayn’s voice trembles as he remembers how he felt out of control of his own life, how lost he felt most days, how he didn’t have a say in where he went or what he did. It had led to an eating disorder he barely talked about. That had been the final straw for him. 

“You think we’re dealing with it?” Liam’s question sounds genuine and Zayn looks at him with raised eyebrows. “You _were_ dealing with it.” Zayn points out.

Liam laughs sarcastically. “And yet I called you because I was so lonely, I didn’t know what to do with myself and you were the one I thought about. That’s not really dealing with things.” Liam mumbles. Zayn opens his mouth, but Liam beats him to it. 

“I talked to Niall.” He offers as an explanation that makes no sense to Zayn. Liam continues without Zayn asking. “We all have our issues, Zayn. We had them all back then. We still do now. But I guess we didn’t hate our lives as much as you did.”

“I didn’t hate my life.” Zayn says clearly. “I never hated spending time with you.” Zayn thinks about how to explain to Liam _why_ he left. He doesn’t know where to begin, so he rambles. “I love making music, Li. I just want to make it myself. Not music that’s generic, and not really mine. Or be forced an image that I could never live up to. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Liam bites his lip, contemplating. Then he nods. “I think I knew.”

Zayn shifts closer. He knows for a fact that Liam knew. Zayn clearly remembers admitting to Liam he wasn’t fond of the music they made. He was always the one who had most problems with it. But, Harry and Niall had taken a different route with their music as well and Zayn knows Louis will likely do the same when he releases the first songs of his own. Hoping that Liam won’t push him away again, Zayn places a hand on Liam’s knee before he continues. “I didn’t like the image. But I won’t regret it, ever. Because it gave my all these chances, Li. I wouldn’t have this life if it wasn’t for the band.”

As soon as he said the words, Zayn realises how true they are. Liam looks at him tentatively. “Okay. I just…” He shrugs. 

Zayn scoots closer. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes, even though he’s not sure what he’s apologizing for. His careless words or the fact that Liam looks like he’s struggling with something, but can’t find the words. Zayn wraps an arm around Liam, pulling Liam against him. Liam leans into the touch. “We’re gonna have to talk about this.” 

“I know.” Zayn mumbles, as he buries his nose in Liam’s hair and inhales. 

“Later.” Liam says slowly, turning his head towards Zayn. 

“Li-”

“It’s okay, Zayn.”

Zayn tries not to be too distracted by Liam’s mouth so close to his, but it’s difficult. “It’s not, Liam. Not really.” Zayn has to say it. They hadn’t really solved anything. Yet. 

“For now.” Liam mutters, his lips moving against Zayn’s. “Talk later.”

Well, Zayn thinks. No one can blame him that he’s unable to resist when Liam’s lips are pressed against his with more pressure. Liam’s mouth opens beneath his immediately and Zayn surges inside. 

They can talk later indeed. 

 

***

 

“This smells bloody amazing.” Liam is almost foaming at the mouth when he walks into the kitchen and he shoots Zayn a grin that makes Zayn a little weak in the knees. For a moment, all Zayn can do is stare at Liam as Liam walks up to him. 

God, he is already so far gone for his boy. 

“What’re ya making?” Liam mumbles, pressing his chest against Zayn’s back and resting his chin on Zayn’s shoulder to look at the pan Zayn is stirring in with a wooden spoon. 

“Curry.” Zayn doesn’t realise how breathless Liam’s presence makes him until his voice comes out high-pitched. 

“Mmm.” Liam presses a kiss against Zayn’s neck. Zayn instantly relaxes into the touch. Even though they had made up – rather hot and heavy – after their fight in the afternoon, Zayn had been a little worried he’d messed things up. Zayn had offered to cook - to be honest he’d done it to avoid going out, his management had warned him the paps were going rather crazy now that Zayn and Liam had been seen out together. Liam had asked if Zayn needed help and when he had denied so, Liam had gone upstairs to take a shower. He’d been gone for almost an hour and Zayn had worried he was still mad about Zayn’s thoughtless comment. 

Feeling Liam so close to him, Liam still seeking him out, relaxes the knot in his stomach somewhat. Zayn can barely hold in the whine that threatens to leave his throat when Liam pulls away. “Want me to set the table?” 

“Sure.” Zayn’s eyes follow Liam through the kitchen. “Or the couch?”

Liam grins again. “Good idea.” He says, while rummaging through a cupboard. He digs out two deep plates and moves to a drawer to find cutlery. 

And Zayn can’t take his eyes off him. When Liam catches him staring, Zayn smiles shyly. “Almost done.” He mumbles, when Liam chuckles at Zayn’s obvious blush. 

The conversation flows easily when they sit down on the couch, with beer and food. Zayn wonders if he should bring up their fight – was it even a fight, he now wonders – from the afternoon, but Liam is smiling so easily and he’s so pliant when he rests his side against Zayn’s, that Zayn can’t bring himself to break the easy comfort they have going on. 

He’d always been one to avoid confrontation, at least face to face. 

Plus, Liam is still smiling at him, like he’s genuinely happy. Liam’s eyes shine when he snickers at a particular bad joke and Zayn joins in the laughter. He can’t help himself; he wraps an arm around Liam’s shoulder and pulls him close. Before he can stop himself, he pressed a kiss against Liam’s lips. 

Liam immediately leans into it, opening his mouth in an invitation Zayn won’t turn down. Liam tastes of beer and curry. It should be disgusting, but it really isn’t. Zayn flicks his tongue against Liam’s, but before he can deepen the kiss, Liam pulls away. He’s blushing and rubbing the back of his neck. Zayn looks at Liam questioningly, not sure why Liam’s so bashful all of a sudden. It actually makes Liam blush even more, but he doesn’t explain. Liam pecks Zayn’s lips, before he rushes upwards, taking the plates with him into the kitchen. 

A few minutes later, Liam is back without his blush, but with two cups of tea. Zayn is curious now, but Liam isn’t offering. They drink their tea in silence, sitting next to each other, legs pressed together and arms touching. 

When Liam starts fidgeting, Zayn can’t contain his curiosity. “Li?”

“Come here.” Liam murmurs. Zayn goes willingly. A content sigh falls from his lips when Liam wraps his arms around him. Zayn relaxes into the embrace, but before he can get really comfortable, Liam starts shifting. “What’re you doing?”

“I want…” Liam’s voice trails off. Zayn turns his head slightly, so he can look at Liam. To his surprise, Liam’s cheeks are red again. Zayn raises one eyebrow questioningly. “Li?”

“Can you…” Again, Liam doesn’t finish his sentence. He does move though, shifting around more. He takes Zayn’s tea cup and places it on the coffee table, next to his own. Liam throws his legs on the couch and starts to lie down. He pulls Zayn with him, until Zayn is lying almost on top of him. It spurs Zayn into moving as well. With a few well-placed moves, he’s lying on Liam fully, his legs settled between Liam’s and their hips slotted together. Zayn slowly rolls his hips, barely moving, but it’s enough to make Liam gasp. Zayn grins slyly. “You like this.” 

Liam’s flush increases, as does Zayn’s grin. He’d realised the night before Liam hadn’t minded Zayn pressing him into the couch. He just hadn’t realised how much Liam actually liked it. Zayn had imagined himself and Liam in all sort of positions, Liam on top of him, Liam _inside_ him, but he’d be a liar if he denied dreaming about doing those things to Liam as well. Liam wanting Zayn like this, pulling Zayn on top of him, was something Zayn never thought he could have, and he can’t wait to explore more. 

“Zayn.” Liam’s voice is already a little breathless. 

“I love how you feel underneath me.” Zayn whispers against Liam’s neck, his tongue flicking against the skin. Liam responds beautifully, arching into the touch immediately. Again, all that leaves Liam’s mouth is Zayn’s name. Zayn feels his own grin widen even further. He runs one of his hands over Liam’s chest, upwards, until he can tangle his fingers with the hair at the nape of Liam’s neck. 

Liam turns his head, his lips seeking out Zayn’s. Liam moans softly the moment Zayn presses his mouth against Liam’s. Instantly, Liam opens his mouth and Zayn gladly takes the invitation. Zayn feels a moan of his own vibrate through his chest when his tongue glides against Liam’s. He can’t get enough of this, of kissing Liam. Zayn’s grip on Liam tightens, to which Liam responds by gripping Zayn’s lower back. His fingers tangle with the hem of Zayn’s sweater, before dipping underneath. 

Zayn breaks the kiss and gasps. The feeling of Liam’s hands on his bare skin makes his body heat up and his blood rush south. He bends his head, presses a kiss against Liam’s pulse point, before his lips find Liam’s collarbone. A swipe of his tongue and a scrape of his teeth has Liam whimpering. So he does it again. And again, until Liam is rolling up his hips for friction and his hands are seriously tugging on Zayn’s sweater. Zayn takes a deep breath and breaks away from Liam, just far enough so he can look into Liam’s brown eyes. The brown seems a few shades darker and Liam licks his lips. “Can you…” Liam tugs at the sweater again. “Off?”

Zayn pulls the sweater over his head, throwing it to the ground. Next, his t-shirt comes off. Liam’s eyes scan his bare chest and his cheeks flush. Zayn knows his smile is cocky, but he can’t help himself. It feels good to have Liam look at him with want in his eyes. 

Liam runs a hand up Zayn’s chest, finger following the outline of some of his tattoos. Liam stills completely for a moment, before he pulls Zayn flush against him. The next minutes are filled with heated kisses, groping hands and exploring mouths, until both of them are just left in their pants. Zayn is fully hard and he can feel Liam’s erection against his own. They’re just separated by the two layers of the thin material of their pants, all their other clothes flung around the room carelessly. 

It a repetition of the night before, only now there are less layers of clothing between them. 

Zayn wonders if he should pull away, just like he had done the last time.

But Zayn _wants_. 

He wants more. He wants Liam naked. He wants to touch and explore further. Carefully, hoping Liam won’t freak out on him again, he runs his index finger from Liam’s swollen and moist lips, down his neck and over his collar bone. Liam shivers, the barely audible moan indicating it’s not shiver of the bad kind. Zayn circles one of Liam’s nipples, nail scraping gently. Liam groans and arches into it just slightly. It gives Zayn the confidence he needs to follow the trail further down Liam’s body. When Zayn trails his finger over Liam’s hipbone, his eyes seek out Liam’s. Liam looks at him and nods furiously. 

“Please.” Liam gasps, when Zayn’s fingers dip below the waistband of his pants. 

Zayn almost groans out loud. But he has to be sure, not wishing for a repeat of the situation in his kitchen. He stills the movement of his fingers. His cock throbs in his own pants when Liam whines and his hips thrust against Zayn’s hand. “Leeyum.” Zayn breathes against Liam’s neck. “What do you want?”

“I-” Liam seems incoherent. “Please.”

“I need you to tell me what you want.” Zayn accompanies the words with another bite on Liam’s collarbone. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Liam moans. “Zayn. Touch me.” 

It almost sounds like a beg and Zayn’s cock throbs again. He wants to hear that sound again. “Are you sure?”

Liam groans in frustration. “Zayn, I swear if you don’t- Oh fuck!” 

Zayn dips his hand inside Liam’s pants and wraps it hand around Liam’s cock. It makes Liam lose this train of thought, mouth falling open while his eyes slam shut. “Zayn. Shit.”

“You okay?” Zayn teases, his fingers tightening just slightly, without moving his hand. Liam thrusts upwards, seeking some sort of friction. Zayn rewards him by stroking slowly up and down twice, before removing his hand. A whine reverberates deeply from Liam’s throat. “Please.” 

Again, the beg makes Zayn throb. It sounds much, much better than it had in his dreams. “Up, Liam.” He groans, while he starts tugging on Liam’s pants. Liam moves willingly and only seconds later, Liam is completely naked in front of Zayn for the first time. 

Liam is fucking gorgeous. Zayn feels his jaw drop open and he takes in Liam’s sculpted chest, the defined hipbones. His cock, flushed and hard. Zayn licks his lips, not sure where he should begin his exploration. 

“You too.” Liam murmurs, while he attempts to push Zayn’s pants off as well. Zayn tears his eyes away from Liam’s body to get rid of the last piece of clothing. Once he is naked too, he lays himself over Liam again. Their hips are aligned, bare cocks touching for the first time. Zayn rocks his hips forward and Liam’s jaw drops. “Oh my god. Oh _god_.”

“Good?”

“Yes. Yeah, yes.” Liam rambles, as his hands are gripping Zayn’s hips tightly, trying to urge him on. “Yes.”

Zayn growls. He bends his head down, running his tongue over one of Liam’s nipples. When he grazes the sensitive bud with his teeth, Liam almost knock him off the couch, the arch of his body that strong. Liam’s reactions ignite a tension in Zayn’s stomach, winding more tightly like a coil with Liam’s every gasp, moan or arch. 

Liam’s hands don’t stay idle. They’re running all over Zayn’s back, before resting on his ass. Liam grips him firmly, urging Zayn on to speed up the rocking of his hips. Zayn has another idea though. He wants to _touch_ Liam. “Li,” Zayn mumbles against Liam’s chest as his hips stutter to a halt. “Can I touch you?”

“What?” Liam whines when Zayn stills completely. “You, what?” 

Zayn kisses his way up Liam’s chest, stopping for a moment to suck on Liam’s collarbone again. He’s careful not to leave a mark, not knowing if Liam is into that but making a mental note to ask when they’re not both so distracted. “I want to touch you.” Zayn breathes when he finally buries his face in the crook of Liam’s neck. The boy beneath him is bucking his hips, seeking friction. 

“Of course.” Liam inhales sharply when one of Zayn’s hand start to decent down his body. “Anything, Zayn.” 

Zayn looks at Liam. He can feel the sly grin reappearing as the takes in Liam’s appearance. Liam’s cheeks are flushed red. His lips are red and swollen, probably because he’s been biting at them and because of Zayn’s kisses. Liam’s pupils are dilated and his hair is mused. He looks deliciously ravished already. “Fuck, you’re hot.” Zayn mumbles. Liam huffs out a laugh, which turns into a loud moan when Zayn’s hand reaches its destination. 

“Zayn!”

“This okay?”

“God. Yes.” Liam’s eyes widen when Zayn strokes him slowly. 

Zayn can’t stop the sigh of relief. For a second or two, he wonders if he is going too fast, but Liam’s body practically vibrates when Zayn strokes him again. Liam’s cock throbs when Zayn tightens his fingers around the base just slightly. Zayn knows he should get up and ask where Liam keeps his lube, it would make things easier, but with the way Liam is looking at him, there’s no way he’s getting up right now. Zayn slides his hand up and down slowly, over the top to use the precome to make the slide easier. 

Zayn starts to kiss at Liam’s neck again, a mixture of lips, tongue and teeth. Liam grunts in his ear and then he throws his head to the side, giving Zayn easier access. Zayn keeps stroking, hand up and down in a slow rhythm. For a minute or so, Liam is just gasping, trying to meet the circle of Zayn’s hand by thrusting up his hips. “Oh my god.” Liam intones. “Zayn, you…” 

“I, what?” Zayn sucks at Liam’s neck and Liam practically lifts off the couch again. It does spur Liam into action, his hands starting a dance over Zayn’s back. He moves his right hand to Zayn’s chest and starts the same decent that Zayn’s hand had minutes ago. As much as Zayn wants Liam’s hand on him – he had imagined it more than once – Zayn wants to be able concentrate on Liam. He knows that won’t happen once Liam gets a hand around him. Zayn’s free hand grabs Liam’s wrist and he moves it upwards, over Liam’s head. 

“Fuck.” Liam’s eyes darken even further as he looks at Zayn. His left hand tangles with Zayn’s hair and he pulls Zayn’s head downwards for another drugging kiss. Zayn’s head starts swimming and he can feel himself starting to rock his hips against Liam’s thigh when Liam’s tongue invades his mouth. The friction feels heavenly. Zayn allows himself to get lost in for a moment. A whine leaves Liam’s mouth when Zayn breaks the kiss. He grins down at Liam, stroking him just a little faster.

“Oh!” Liam’s hips start moving in the same pace as Zayn’s hand. Just when Liam finds his rhythm, Zayn slows down. 

“Zayn.” Liam chokes. “Please.”

“What?” Zayn whispers in Liam’s ear, which earn him another moan. 

“I want…” Liam’s hips stutter when Zayn changes pace again, quickening for just a minute before going back to his torturous slow pace. 

“What do you want, Li.” Zayn knows he’s being a tease, but he can’t help himself. Liam responds to every touch so beautifully, Zayn wants to make it last as long as he can. 

“Please.” Liam begs again, his free hand moving down to join Zayn’s hand around his own cock. Zayn grabs it before it can though, and he brings arm over Liam’s head as well, to join the hand still lying against the pillow. Liam looks up at Zayn, eyes wide as he bites his lower lip. For a second, everything freezes around Zayn. He wonders if he took it too far, but then Liam breaths and relaxes his arms above his head. Zayn wraps his hand around both wrists with barely there pressure. If Liam wants to, he can move his hands anytime he wants, but Liam just stares up at Zayn. His eyes are impossibly brown and open, and Liam nods. “Please.” He asks again. Zayn groans, the word almost feeling like a lick to his cock. He resumes the stroking motion of his hand. Once more, it makes Liam arch into it. 

“You look so good like this.” Zayn whispers against Liam’s lips. Liam looks like a wet dream personified, gasping and writhing underneath him. In fact, he looks much better than any dream Zayn ever had about him. “You’re gorgeous.”

Liam grunts and closes his eyes. His whole body starts to tremble. “I’m close, I-”

“Shh.” Zayn mumbles. “I’ve got you.”

“Ohmygod.” Liam starts to babble, mostly a mixture of ‘Zayn’ and ‘please’. Zayn watches in wonder as the muscles in Liam’s body tense up. Liam’s mouth falls open and he lets out a long, slow moan. “Fuck. I… _Zayn_.” With a roll of his hips, Liam comes over Zayn’s hand and his own stomach. Zayn strokes him through his orgasm, until Liam hisses, over-sensitive. 

Liam falls back against the couch, eyes closed and breathing laboured. Zayn slowly unwraps his hand from Liam’s spend cock. He falls against Liam’s chest, giving Liam a few minutes to catch his breath. He releases Liam’s wrists. With a content sigh, Liam wraps his arms around Zayn’s body, pulling him closely. Zayn inhales Liam’s scent, and tries to enjoy the closeness. However, his own cock is still hard and leaking. It’s becoming uncomfortable and Zayn groans as he rolls his sensitive cock against Liam’s hip. “Fuck.” He mumbles. 

Suddenly, Liam’s eyes fly open. “Let me.” Liam mutters and he scrambles around. The moment he wraps his hand around Zayn’s cock, Zayn loses the little control he has left. “Liam, Liam, shit.” He’s already so close, it only takes a few strokes. Zayn comes with a guttural groan. He collapses on Liam’s chest, panting. 

The next minutes, all Zayn is aware of, is both his and Liam’s ragged breathing and Liam’s hand caressing his back. His heart is thumping in his chest. Zayn doesn’t know if it’s because of the mind-blowing orgasm or _Liam_. Probably the latter, Zayn thinks, as he snuggles up against Liam even closer. 

“Oh my god.” Liam says, after he catches his breath. “That was… you’re amazing.” 

Zayn feels his cheeks heat up, suddenly a bit shy. To hide his reddening cheeks, he leans down and presses a kiss against Liam’s sternum. “ _You’re_ amazing.” He retorts. Liam lets out a giggle, as one of his hands tangles in Zayn’s locks. Zayn rests his chin on Liam chest, meeting Liam’s gaze. Liam’s cheeks are flushed as well. Zayn’s grin widens when Liam grins at him. For a few seconds, they are grinning at each other. Zayn is the one who breaks it, by surging forward and pressing his lips against Liam’s. 

He can’t believe his luck. He can’t believe that he gets to kiss this boy, gets to touch him. Can’t believe that Liam wants to be with him. Liam responds immediately, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms tighter around Zayn. 

Zayn knows they should get up and shower. The drying come between them is fastly getting disgusting, but when Liam licks into his mouth, Zayn can’t be bothered anymore. He gets lost in Liam’s kisses and this time, he’s the one whining when Liam breaks the kiss. 

“Zayn.” Liam says, breathless.

Liam’s voice sounds as amazed as Zayn feels. “I know.” Zayn mutters, briefly kissing Liam again. Slowly, he starts to untangle himself from Liam. Liam raises an eyebrow when Zayn extends his hand. “Shower?”

“Yes.” Liam grins, takes Zayn’s hand. He gets up. Zayn immediately misses his body warmth, so he gladly lets Liam yank him to his feet. Liam’s grin is sly when he looks over his shoulder to make sure Zayn is following him. “What?” Zayn questions, roaming his eyes over Liam’s back, down towards his ass. Dirty images dance behind his eyelids instantly and his cock gives a feeble throb. He drags his eyes away from Liam’s ass when Liam chuckles. 

“Come on.” He says, grabbing Zayn’s hand and tugging him towards the stairs. “I want to see if you look as good wet and naked as I imagined.”

Zayn gapes, speechless, just for a few seconds. Then, he throws his head back and laughs heartily. Innocent Liam Payne, apparently not as innocent as he looks. Liam shrugs unabashed now, a stark contrast from the Liam who had pulled him down onto the couch earlier. Zayn isn’t quite sure which version he finds more attractive. Zayn pulls Liam against him, amazed by how good their naked bodies feel together. He kisses Liam briefly. “Lead the way.” 

Liam grins at him, before turning around and hurrying up the stairs. 

Zayn follows a little more slowly, wondering how he got _this_ lucky. When Liam calls out for him, he hurries his step, grinning wickedly. 

After all, Liam isn’t the only one who imagined the two of them naked and wet in the shower.


	7. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update. Real life got in the way, as well as a holiday abroad. 
> 
> But here's the new chapter. I hope you enjoy it! A fair warning: there's quite a bit of smut in this chapter. These boys... ;)

Liam is nervous. 

Which is a bit awkward. He’s never been nervous about spending time with Sam before. 

Liam had met Sam two years ago. Sam co-owns the gym that Liam had picked when he had moved into the neighbourhood; the gym was close to his new house and it was rather exclusive. Less chance of being asked for an autograph or picture while working out. 

Liam and Sam had become quick friends. It was the first friend Liam had made in his new neighbourhood. His first post-One-Direction-friend. Sam had the same kind of humour and was not afraid to make fun of Liam. It had been refreshing to realise that Liam could still make new friends, something that he’d worried about in the dark hours of the night, lying in bed alone. 

Liam had been hanging out with Sam for two months when he found out Sam is gay.

The first few weeks Liam came to the gym, Sam had been rather shy. It had taken a few beers for Sam to admit he was a bit of a fan of One Direction. More specifically, a fan of Louis. It had been Sam’s boyfriend who offered that little fact to Liam. 

Liam wants to talk to Sam about Zayn, but at the same time he’s a bit nervous about it. It would be the first time he’d be admitting to having feelings for Zayn to someone outside his family. Or Niall. 

Admitting it to one of his friends would make it real.

Liam wants it to be real though. 

He wants more. 

He wants Zayn. 

Zayn had gone back to L.A. ten days ago, not that Liam is counting. Ten days and Liam misses him. He misses Zayn so much, there’s an actual ache in his stomach. It’s an ache he hasn’t felt in two years. It’s another confirmation that his feelings for Zayn had gone beyond friendship for much longer than Liam had realised. Until recently, that is. Now that Liam realises what the ache means, it’s even more present than it had been when it just was a simmering feeling in the background. Something he had grown to accept as the remnants of a friendship that had fallen apart. 

When Zayn left ten days ago, he had told Liam to take his time. He said that he would understand if Liam needed to figure out some things first. Liam had nodded, which he now regrets. He should have told Zayn how he felt. Sure, there are things to figure out, but _liking_ Zayn is not one of those things. Liam is quite certain that his feelings for Zayn are more than just lust. He also knows that Zayn isn’t just an experiment. Now that he allows himself to feel the things he hadn’t recognized all those years ago, he finally understands what people mean when they’re talking about butterflies. 

Liam wishes he and Zayn would have had more time before Zayn had to go back to L.A. Now that he’s had a taste of what it could be like to be with Zayn, he hates that he doesn’t know how long it’ll be before he sees Zayn again. 

He misses Zayn and he wants to see him again. 

And it makes Liam feel like a teenager. With raging hormones. 

All he can think about is Zayn. 

Naked. 

It’s another thing that’s difficult to go without, now that he’s had a taste of it. 

 

*

 

 _Zayn really_ does _look good naked in the shower. Liam finds it hard to take his eyes off him, when Zayn steps under the second showerhead. He feels himself blush when Zayn grins at him slyly and raises an eyebrow; that’s the moment Liam realises he’s staring instead of showering._

_Tearing his eyes away from Zayn, Liam reaches for his shampoo. The next minute, he goes through his every day motions. That is, until Zayn presses himself against Liam, Zayn’s chest against his back. Zayn wraps his arms around Liam, fingers dancing over his stomach, slowly inching lower. “Are you done?” Zayn mumbles, body pressing even closer to Liam’s._

_“Yes.” Liam sounds breathless already. Zayn’s hands keep caressing his abs, fingers tightening around his nipples and tugging gently. Liam groans lowly and he can feel himself stiffen again, even though he’d just had an orgasm. Instinctively, he leans into Zayn more and Zayn’s lips slide over his shoulder. Zayn presses a kiss against the skin, before sinking his teeth into the muscle. “Christ, I just want to mark you up.”_

_Liam feels Zayn freeze up after the words escape him. Liam tenses up as well, although he expects it’s for a completely different reason than Zayn’s tension. Whereas Liam thinks Zayn is worried about his confession, worried that it’s something Liam doesn’t want, Zayn’s words just made all Liam’s blood rush south, in the most delicious of ways. “Fuck,” he breaths out. “That’s hot.”_

_“Yeah?” Zayn turns Liam around. Liam is startled by the insecurity on Zayn’s face; he’s biting his lower lip and a blush is grazing his cheeks._

_“Yeah.” Liam answers, his hands resting on Zayn’s hips to pull him closer. He’d never been into that before – Liam doesn’t think he’s ever been with someone who he’d wanted to leave marks over his body. His previous partners had always considered hickeys a little childish. Besides, Liam’s job had made it too risky; if he didn’t want to end up on the front page of all the tabloids, being caught visible marks was a no-go. So, he’d never thought about whether it is something he’d consider sexy._

_The possessive flash in Zayn’s eyes as he presses his body against Liam makes Liam shiver. It shouldn’t be so hot. Yet Liam can’t wait for Zayn’s next move. He realises he actually wants Zayn to mark him; to leave something on his body he can press his fingers into and feel for_ days _._

_Before Liam can say anything else, Zayn’s lips are back on his neck. Zayn presses a few kisses against the sensitive skin. Liam leans into it and he feels Zayn’s lips curve into a smile. “In that case…” Zayn mumbles against his skin. He briefly sinks his teeth into Liam’s shoulder again, but before Liam can respond, Zayn’s body is moving away from his. A whine leaves Liam’s throat._

_The sound makes Zayn smirk. Zayn’s next move is a kiss that makes Liam toes curl against the wet tiles of his shower floor. His hands are running all over Zayn’s back, not knowing where to start now that he has all Zayn’s skin in touching proximity. Liam doesn’t get a chance to decide where to put his hands, because Zayn breaks the kiss. “Liam…”_

_“Zayn.”_

_“I want…” Some of Zayn’s slyness leaves him and the insecure look from a few minutes ago is back. “I want you in my mouth, Liam.”_

_“Huh?” Liam’s brain isn’t functioning. He tries to concentrate on Zayn’s words, but Zayn’s left hand is making its way down Liam’s chest, finger scraping over a nipple before descending further. Zayn rests the hand on Liam’s inner thigh, fingers dangerously close to his cock._

_Zayn buries his face in Liam’s neck. “Can I blow you?”_

_“Ohgod.” Liam’s breath stutters out of his chest. “Yeah, please.”_

_“You sure?” Zayn’s voice is suddenly a lot clearer than seconds before and Liam focuses on Zayn, trying to ignore the way Zayn’s fingers are brushing against his hardening cock. He knows why Zayn is looking for a confirmation and Liam tries to make his voice sound as steady as he can. “Yes.” Liam nods. “I’m sure.”_

_“If you don’t-”_

_“Zayn.” Liam brings his hand to Zayn’s face in a gentle move that seems to surprise them both. “I want you.”_

_For a few seconds, Zayn is staring at him. Liam hopes that Zayn can see that the words he just uttered mean more than him just wanting a blow job, yet he can’t seem to formulate the actual words to convey what he means. Zayn seems to find what he’s looking for though, because he presses a gentle kiss against Liam’s lips._

_Then the sly grin reappears. Before Liam can process what’s happening, Zayn has him pressed against the wall and is on his knees in front of him._

_Zayn’s hands rest on his thighs as his mouth fastens on the inside of his thigh. The suction makes Liam’s hips stutter forward and a groan escape him. Zayn licks the bruise he just left. Then he licks Liam’s cock from base to tip. “Still sure?” He breaths and Liam whines. “Yes.”_

_His head thuds backwards against the wall when Zayn’s lips close around him and all he can focus on is the heat of Zayn’s mouth._

_When they finally leave the shower, both of them have wrinkled skin and goofy smiles on their faces._

 

*

 

Liam bites his lower lip and forces himself to think about something else besides the moments where his skin was pressed against Zayn’s and where he had lost himself in the feeling of Zayn’s body against his own. 

Now is not the moment to get himself turned on beyond the point where he won’t be able to hide it from Sam who’s due to arrive any moment. 

He finds it difficult to get his mind off Zayn the last few days though.

Because it’s not just the moments where Zayn had made him forget his own name that he misses. 

Missing Zayn goes much further than just missing getting off with him. 

Happiness wraps around Liam like a blanket on a cold winter night now that thinks about how _close_ him and Zayn had been the last day they had spent together. 

 

*

 

_The first thing Liam is conscious of when he wakes up, is Zayn’s fingers tracing patterns over his back. He basks in the feeling for a minute or so, before turning his head and slowly opening his eyes. Zayn is looking at him and the vision takes Liam’s breath away. Zayn’s eyes are still sleepy and his hair is a falling around his face in messy strands. There’s a blush on his cheekbones and he’s biting his lip.  
It gives him a soft appearance, instead of the edgy handsomeness when Zayn is more pulled together._

_“Hi.” Liam’s voice is still groggy with sleep._

_“Hi.” Zayn breaths back. He wraps an arm around Liam and pulls him close, until Liam is practically lying on top of Zayn. “Slept well?”_

_“Hmm.” Liam replies, burying his face in Zayn’s neck. Zayn smells like a mixture of his spicy body wash and sleep. If he could, Liam would bottle the scent up so he could revel in it every time he had to wake up without Zayn. It’s familiar and comforting at the same time and Liam can’t remember the last time he felt as relaxed as he does now. Zayn’s hand is still caressing his back, lulling him back to sleep within minutes._

 

*

 

Liam remembers how they had dragged themselves out of bed two hours later. Without any hurry, they had moved to the kitchen, where Liam had made them coffee while Zayn sneaked into the garden for a cigarette. When he’d come back inside, Liam had handed him a cup of coffee. 

“Thanks, babe.” 

Liam still feels his lips curve into a smile when he remembers Zayn calling him ‘babe’ for the first time in years. It was silly, but hearing the word had made his heart beat a little faster. When the both of them had just joined the band, and sought out each other’s company when either of them felt homesick, Zayn had constantly called him ‘babe’. He’d never used that word for any of the other boys and it always made Liam feel a little bit special. 

The last year in the band, when Zayn had grown unhappier by the day and Liam had felt him slip away, the use of the word become less and less frequent, until Zayn stopped using it completely. Liam had always associated it with a level of closeness between the two of them. The way the word fell from Zayn’s lips so easily that morning, almost automatically, made Liam feel the distance between him and Zayn had finally disappeared completely. He had rushed over to Zayn, pressing his lips to Zayn’s in a series of kisses that left them both breathless, coffee forgotten. 

Liam realised he loved hearing Zayn referring to him with terms of endearment. It had made his heart beat faster and a warm feeling had spread through him. He loved waking up next to Zayn. Being close to him. Feeling Zayn’s body heat against his skin. 

Liam thinks he can get used to that feeling, if he lets himself fall even further. 

He realises there are still a lot of things him and Zayn have to work out – Zayn’s hesitance to talk about the band or the other boys or the fact in the back of his mind, Liam still isn’t over Zayn not only leaving the band, but leaving him behind as well – but him and Zayn are carefully touching those issues during their daily phone calls. The therapist Liam is seeing twice a week, recommended to him by his personal assistant, had been urging Liam to be more open about his feelings and he’s trying to put that into practice. Zayn is a good listener and the heavy subjects they’re finally discussing makes Liam feel closer to Zayn than he has in years. 

The different forms of intimacy between him and Zayn causes Liam to feel giddy with a fluttering in this stomach for the first time in his life. 

He loves it. And he can’t wait to explore it further. 

The doorbell ringing interrupts Liam’s musing and Liam runs a hand through his hair to let his friend inside. Time to grab the bull by the horns and ask he questions that’s been circling in his mind from the moment he’d invited Sam over for a few beers two days ago. 

 

***

 

"What's up, Liam?"

"Huh?" Liam looks up from his beer and glances at Sam. He hadn’t realised he’d been distracted from Sam’s story until Sam chuckles at him. 

"Something is clearly going on with you." Sam motions up and down. "Don't think I've ever seen you so distracted."

"I..." Liam feels his cheeks flush bright red. It’s a repeat of his evening with Niall, where he had been too distracted to pay attention to his former bandmate. 

"Oh." Sam grins. "It's like that."

" Like that?" Liam looks at Sam questioningly. 

" You finally met someone." 

"Yeah." Liam rubs his neck, smiling bashfully. "I did. He's-"

"He?!" Sam raises his voice and sits up suddenly, almost spilling his beer. " _He_?"

"Yeah." Liam says. He tries not to squirm under Sam's stare. "It's still rather new."

"You don't say." Sam mutters. "I didn't even know..." Sam's voice trails off. It's not the first time Liam heard that reaction and he figures it won’t be the last time. Liam shrugs, as if to emphasize he had no idea either. "Neither did I. Zayn-"

Again, Sam interrupts him. "Zayn? As is Zayn _Malik_?"

"Erm, yeah?"

"Liam!" Sam's eyes are wide. "You're fu-" 

Sam catches himself when Liam's eyebrows shoot up. Sam's blush indicates he realises perhaps his almost spoken question isn't the best one to start with. Sam can't contain his curiosity though. "When did this happen? What the fuck happened?" 

"A few weeks ago." Liam says. "I visited him in L.A. and, well..."

"You slept with him." Sam adds. 

"No!" 

"No?"

Liam really starts to hate how easily he blushes these days as his cheeks turn bright red again. Whenever he tells someone about Zayn, his cheeks heat up. It's not because he's embarrassed and he hates that some people might interpret it like that. Sam doesn't though, as his easy smile is anything to go by. So Liam continues. 

"No. We're not... I-" Liam takes a deep breath. Another thing he starts to hate. He never had problems talking about sex. He was a firm believer that if you couldn't talk about it, perhaps you shouldn't be doing it. Talking about sex with Zayn feels foreign, but at the same time, he _wants_. Another deep breath clears his mind and this time, his voice comes out steady. "Not yet. We're not there. Yet." 

"But something happened?" Sam prompts gently. 

"Yeah. We kissed and, well..." Liam can't help return Sam's grin, even though it feels a bit juvenile. 

"And you liked it?"

"Yeah." Liam grins softens into a smile when he remembers being that close to Zayn. "I like him."

Sam chuckles. "You've got it bad, mate." 

"Huh?"

"You’re a goner already, aren’t you?"

"Yes." Liam replies sheepishly. "I guess..."

“Good for you.” Sam is grinning at him. “Of course, it helps that the guy bloody gorgeous.”

This time, it’s Liam who chuckles. He agrees with Same though. “Yeah, he is.”

“So, why haven’t you…” Sam asks. “It’s not just because you’re not there yet, is it?”

Liam bites his lip under Sam’s gaze. Sam had always been able to read Liam quite well. “No.” Liam admits. “It’s not that I don’t want to…”

"But?"

Liam takes a sip of his beer. Liquid courage, or something of the sort. There was a reason he wanted to talk to Sam, after all. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"You mean..." Sam makes a crude hand-motion, which makes Liam blush. Again. He still nods though. 

"So you want advice?" 

"Yeah."

"Okay." Sam stands up though and looks around the room. "I need something stronger to drink though." A grin that's bordering on wicked appears on Sam's face as he starts to rummage through a cabinet where Liam keeps some of his liquor. For someone who seems shocked just a few moments ago, Sam has recovered from said shock quite fast. Liam can't help but comment on it.

"Well," Sam says, "There's not really an age limit to figuring out you like to swing both ways, Li."

"I..." Liam doesn't even know how to reply to that. The look Sam shoots him is similar to the one Niall gave him - when Liam had been questioning himself - and Sam's the third person to tell him age isn't all that relevant when it comes to figuring out that he likes boys as well as girls. Liam decides he doesn't want to have that particular discussion right now. He shrugs. Sam's eyes narrow, but he drops the subject as well. Liam knows Sam will eventually get back to it though. Sam is not someone who lets things go unspoken for long. "What do you want to know?" Is what Sam says instead. 

For a second, Liam is speechless. Questions are floating around in his head, but he doesn't know where to start. He blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. "I don't know what I want."

"What you want?" 

Again, Liam feels his cheeks heat up, but this time he doesn't let it stop him from asking what he wants. "Top or bottom." He says quietly. Christ, he's not even sure if that's the right way to ask, but Sam is smiling at him gently.

"At least you're thinking about it."

"Huh?" Liam asks, not sure what Sam means. 

"Just because you liked fucking girls, doesn't mean you wouldn't like to be fucked yourself." 

Sam's bluntness makes Liam's face heat up even further, but he doesn't look away. Sam is right though - he _is_ thinking about it. 

He has been thinking about it quite often, actually. 

The first time had taken him completely off guard. He had been standing in the shower, washing his hair when he’d remembered his shower with Zayn. Zayn on his knees in front of, the way Zayn’s mouth had felt around him. The things Zayn had whispered into his ear when Liam had wrapped his hand around Zayn, stroking gently. Zayn had kept whispering about the things he wanted Liam to do to him, the things he wanted to do _to_ Liam. From those memories, Liam’s thoughts had strayed from the shower with Zayn, to the moment in the kitchen. Liam had relived the moment where Zayn had pressed him against the fridge. Or the moment on the couch, where Zayn had pressed down on him, one hand wrapped around both his wrists as Zayn’s other hand was stroking him slowly. It had send shivers wracking though his body and Liam had realised how much he actually liked having someone – Zayn – on top of him, someone else being stronger, taking the lead. As Liam had remembered those moments with Zayn, he’d wrapped a hand around his own cock that was straining for attention. All of a sudden, an image of Zayn above him had appeared behind closed eyelids. Zayn above him, pressing him into a mattress, slowly thrusting inside of him. The strength of his orgasm had staggered him. Liam can’t remember the last time a wank had made him come that hard. 

That moment in the shower was the first time Liam had realised he might actually want Zayn to fuck him. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since. 

“Oh Christ.” Sam is grinning as his words finally bring Liam’s attention back to the room and unbeknownst, Sam voice Liam last thoughts. “You _really_ have been thinking about it.”

“I-“ 

“Well, Liam,” Sam grin turns into a smirk that slightly dirty as he slides a shot glass filled with amber liquid in Liam’s direction. “let me enlighten you about the joys and wonders of gay sex.”

 

***

 

Liam leans back against his pillow as he listens to Zayn telling him about his day in the studio. He’s finally able to actually enjoy hearing Zayn talk about his music, which Liam counts as another step in the right direction.

His conversation with Sam is still floating around in his brain though and his brain-to-mouth filter apparently stopped working completely, as Liam interrupts Zayn telling him about his next single abruptly. The question that’s been on Liam’s find from the moment Sam left almost two hours ago escapes Liam suddenly and he blurts out the five words. 

“Do you top or bottom?”

“Liam!” Zayn sputters, choking on his words. “What the fuck, Li?”

Liam rubs the back of his neck and shrugs apologetically, even though Zayn can’t see him. “I just…”

“Where does this come from?”

There’s not a hint of accusation in Zayn’s voice, just genuine curiosity. It makes the tension in Liam’s muscles loosen a little. “Was thinking ‘bout it.” He mumbles. 

“About us, you mean?” There’s a teasing lilt to Zayn’s voice. 

“Yeah.” Liam admits. “I was thinking about what you’d want. What I want.”

“Okay…” Zayn says softly. “And?” He urges when Liam stays quiet. 

“I loved feeling you on top of me.” Liam mutters and he hears Zayn’s strangled choke. “Fuck, Liam.”

The idea that Zayn is affected just as much by the idea of the two of them naked makes Liam grin into the receiver. It makes him a little bolder. “I have been thinking about it quite a lot, actually.”

“Christ.” 

“I loved it when you pressed me into the couch. Held my wrists and-”

“Leeyum.” Zayn interrupts him. He already sounds breathless. “I can’t believe…”

“Can’t believe what?”

“That you’d want that.” Despite the breathless quality to his voice, Zayn sounds shy. Liam is genuinely baffled why Zayn sounds nervous all of sudden. “Why wouldn’t I?” He asks Zayn. 

For a few seconds, all he hears is Zayn’s breathing. “Zayn?”

“You have no idea how long I’ve been dreaming about that, Liam.” Zayn says quietly. “So whatever you want, is okay. I want you either way.”

“So if I asked you to…” He deliberately lets his words trail off and he feels a little smug when Zayn chokes on his breath again. “Liam.”

“Good. So we’re really doing this then.” He says softly. Zayn’s chuckle surprises him. “I’m not having phone sex with you right now, Liam.”

“Not what I meant.”

“I know.” Zayn’s voice is quiet. 

Liam swallows hard, barely holding in the sappy confession about how much he likes Zayn. Instead, he just breathes out Zayn’s name. Zayn seems to understand him though. The unspoken truth in Zayn’s next few words make Liam grin widely. 

“Me too, Leeyum. Me too.”

 

****

 

Liam barely gives Zayn any time to close the front door behind him, before he has Zayn pressed up against the wall. He buries his face in the crook of Zayn's neck, inhaling sharply. "Fuck, I've missed you." 

The admission startles them both. Liam feels Zayn tense up for just a second, the muscles in his back going rigid, before he relaxes into Liam's embrace. Liam isn't going to take back his words though - ever since their phone call, Liam had been itching to tell Zayn how he feels about the other man. In direct words this time, instead of the round-about ways they admitted to each other that things between them entail more than lust or a rekindled friendship. 

But Liam had kept the words to himself, had wanted to say them to Zayn directly, not during a phone call or a video call that would leave both of them aching for the other. When Zayn had told him three days ago that he had an unexpected free day, Liam hadn't hesitated and booked a flight to L.A. Even if it was a just a stay of 30 hours, he hadn't wanted to wait to see Zayn again. 

"I'm glad you're here." Zayn mumbles, a confession in return that makes Liam's heart thud heavily against his ribcage. 

"Me too." Liam replies and then he slots his lips against Zayn's. He captures Zayn's sigh with a breath of his own. The moment Zayn parts his lips and runs his tongue against Liam's bottom lip, he forgets how to think. All his brain is firing at him is 'Zayn', 'more' and 'now'. He immediately opens his mouth and Zayn takes the invitation, tongue gliding inside and against Liam’s. Liam leans into Zayn, pressing the thinner man against the wall more firmly. Zayn wraps his arms around Liam's waist. His hands dance over Liam’s back, before they settle on his ass. Zayn squeezes gently and pulls Liam's hips against his own. Liam groans into Zayn’s mouth. His hands start tugging at the sweater Zayn is wearing, slipping underneath the fabric to follow the planes of Zayn’s chest. Another groan rumbles through his chest. God, he’d dreamed about that chest, had imagined running his tongue over the abs and following the outline of the heavy ink until Zayn was shivering with need. 

For a minute, Liam revels in feeling Zayn against him. When Zayn starts grinding his hips though, hands still on Liam’s ass, Liam’s blood start rushing. His jeans already feel uncomfortably tight and the way Zayn’s body is moving against him only makes him harden further. 

“Zayn.” Liam breaks the kiss. He isn’t sure if it’s to slow things down or to speed things up, but when Zayn fastens his lips on Liam’s collarbone and sucks, Liam realises that he wants the latter. 

He doesn’t want to stop. 

But he just wants. He wants to do things to Zayn, make Zayn breath out his name in that same high-pitched tone as in the shower when Liam had flicked his wrist just right. He wants Zayn naked and all over him. 

He tries to voice his thoughts, but Zayn interrupts him by kissing him deeply. Liam’s hands rest on Zayn’s hips, trying to ground himself. When Zayn slows down the kiss, pressing soft kisses against his mouth, cheek and neck before making his way back to Liam’s mouth, Liam’s impatience gets the better of him. 

"More." Liam groans against Zayn's lips. "Bedroom."

"Liam." Zayn's eyes widen. 

"Please. I want you." Liam realises how needy his voice sounds when Zayn's cheeks flush red and a sly grin adorns his face. Liam is beyond caring though - all he can think about is to feel Zayn's skin against his own _as soon as possible_ and he doesn't want that to happen the bright hallway of Zayn's home. "Unless you don't-"

Zayn practically growls as he sucks the skin just below Liam's ear between his lips. It makes Liam's hips stutter forwards against Zayn's. "Fuck, Liam, 'course I want ya." 

Zayn's words against his sensitive skin sends a shiver up and down Liam's spine. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Zayn grins when he pushes Liam away from him. Liam misses the heat between immediately. Zayn grabs his hand. With a gently pull, he makes Liam follow him. Liam sucks his bottom lip into his mouth as he follows Zayn up the stairs and into Zayn’s bedroom. The curtains are almost shut, letting in just a little sunlight. The air conditioning is humming in the background and the pleasantly cool air makes Liam shiver. Zayn seems to feel the shivers and he turns around. He raises an eyebrow as he wraps his left arm around Liam’s waist, pulling their chests together. “You sure?”

“Yes.” Liam is surprised by the steadiness of his own voice, despite the amount of want surging through his veins at the moment. He adds to his words by playfully shoving Zayn towards the bed. Zayn laughs as he falls unto the sheets. Because his arm is still wrapped around Liam, Liam stumbles forward and lands on Zayn’s chest with an ‘oof’. He grins down at Zayn and shifts around, until his legs are placed on either side of Zayn’s and he’s straddling him. Liam’s breath is knocked out of him as he looks at the man underneath him. He places a hand against Zayn’s cheek, caressing the skin. Zayn’s stubble feels a little rough against the pad of his thumb, but Zayn’s smile is a sweet contrast. 

“Do whatever you want, Liam.” Zayn says. Liam feels his cheeks heat up at the implication of the words. Zayn’s sly smile tells him that was the intention. Liam bites his lower lip – again – and spurs into action. His hands immediately find the hem of Zayn’s sweater. He tugs and Zayn raises his upper body just enough so Liam can pull the material off him. He surges forward, briefly kisses Zayn, before he gives in to his want to trace every tattoo with his tongue. 

Zayn’s reactions to Liam’s tongue on his chest are slowly but surely driving Liam crazy. Zayn is all breathless moans, rippling abs and low groans when Liam traces the different tattoos. He makes Zayn swear by sucking on his nipple, followed by a scrape of his teeth. He likes the sound so much, he repeats the same actions on the second nipple. This time, Zayn’s swears are followed by a load groan. Zayn grabs Liam’s shoulder and pushes him downwards. The moment Zayn realises what he’s doing, he freezes. Liam sucks Zayn’s left nipple between his lips, hoping it tells Zayn that it’s okay, that Liam doesn’t mind Zayn telling him what he wants without words. A breathless ‘fuck’ leaves Zayn’s lips and his head falls back against the pillow. “You’re killing me, Liam.”

“And I haven’t even started.” Liam replies. 

“Oh god.” 

Liam grins against Zayn’s chest. The fact that he’s the one turning Zayn into a shivering mess instead of the other way around feels good. 

To give into Zayn’s earlier wishes, Liam kisses his way down Zayn's body, feeling the muscles ripple under his mouth. The moment his hands find the button of Zayn’s jeans, Zayn immediately raises his hips. Liam quickly strips Zayn of his jeans, taking hid pants off as well. His jaw drops as he takes in Zayn, lying naked in front of him. Zayn is bloody gorgeous like this, his strong wiry frame on full display. His eyes meet Zayn, who is smiling at him unabashed. 

After one last glance, and a roll of his own hips against the mattress to release some of the pressure of his own cock that’s already leaking precome into his jeans, Liam outlines the heart on Zayn's hip with his tongue. It makes Zayn's hip twitch and his breath catch. His cheeks bumps against Zayn's cock. The brief touch makes Zayn stutter out Liam's name. Liam turns his head and just like the brief touch made Zayn react, Liam's breath ghosting over Zayn makes Zayn growl. For a few seconds, Liam hesitates. He's a bit surprised how much he actually wants to feel Zayn heavy on his tongue, how much he wants Zayn's taste in his mouth, but he wants it to be good for Zayn. Besides knowing what he likes himself when he's on the receiving end, he’s on completely new territory. 

He still wants to try though. He wants to try it all, all those firsts that he's been dreaming about at night or had been fantasizing about when he had his own hand wrapped around his cock in the shower. He takes a breath. When he's about to wrap his lips around the head of Zayn's cock, he feels fingers gently caress his cheeks. Liam looks up and his eyes meet Zayn's hooded ones. "It's okay if you don't..." Zayn mumbles. Liam can see Zayn means it, but Zayn's hips still chase upwards when Liam slides his hands to the inside of Zayn's thighs to spread his legs a little wider. Liam grins, feeling a heady rush at being able to make Zayn loose just a little bit of more the control he seems exert all the time. "I want to, Zayn." Liam says and he emphasizes his words by closing his lips around the head of Zayn's cock. 

"Christ." Zayn breaths and Liam sees how Zayn's already fisting the sheets. Liam suckles softly. Zayn's legs tremble against his shoulders. With a pop he releases Zayn. "Tell me what you like, yeah?"

"Leeyum." Zayn sounds even more out of breath than a few seconds before. He finally nods his answer when Liam pinches the inside of his thigh. He flashes Zayn one last grin, before taking Zayn into his mouth again. He circles his tongue around the head, pleased when Zayn’s hips twist. When he hollows his cheeks and presses his tongue against the nerve endings just under the head, something that drives him crazy, Zayn groans loudly. 

Carefully, he takes in more of Zayn’s cock, wrapping his hand around the base. Experimentally, he bobs his head up and down with hollow cheeks. Zayn swears above him and thrusts his hips up. It’s too deep too fast and Liam pulls back, trying to get his gag-reflex back under control. 

“Sorry, sorry.” Zayn sounds strangled. “Just- Fuck, Liam, your mouth, I-”

Liam shoots Zayn another smile, not bothered in the least. He’s happy that he’s capable of making Zayn speechless. He wraps his mouth around Zayn’s cock again. The taste of precome is stronger now, but Liam realises he really doesn’t mind the taste. It takes him a few tries, but he finds a bobbing rhythm that seems to turn Zayn into an incoherent mess below him. Liam makes sure his tongue is dragging against Zayn with every movement of his mouth, tracing the vein along the underside of him. When he focuses on the head of Zayn’s cock, tongue jabbing against the most sensitive part of him and flicking through the slit, Zayn starts a litany of swears. Liam feels his chest expand – he always enjoyed making his partners feel good, but the fact that he can do that to _Zayn_ makes him feel like his heart is trying to beat its way out of his chest. 

After a particular hard suckle, Zayn almost arches off the bed and suddenly his hand is in Liam’s hair. “Liam, stop!” Zayn is tugging on his hair and Liam releases Zayn with another pop.

“What?” Liam bites his lip, thinking that maybe he hurt Zayn. “Did I do-”

“Fuck, Liam. If you keep going...” Zayn’s grip on him increases. “I don’t want to come yet.”

“Oh.” Liam grins sheepishly and he lets Zayn pull him upwards, until he’s blanketing Zayn’s body with his fully clothed one. Zayn presses his lips against Liam’s. Liam wants to protest, knowing Zayn will be able to taste himself on Liam’s tongue, but Zayn groans into his mouth at the first slide of their tongues. Before Liam can kiss him back, Zayn pushes at Liam’s shoulder and flips them over, seemingly without any effort despite the fact that he’s still shaking from his near-orgasm. The wicked grin on Zayn’s face makes Liam’s cock throb. 

“My turn.” Zayn whispers against his neck. Liam wants to reply but Zayn’s mouth closes over his again. Liam loses himself in the kiss. He can feel Zayn tugging at his clothes so he breaks the kiss, to pull off his t-shirt. Zayn strips him of the rest of his clothes with dizzying speed. Zayn’s mouth and hands are touching him everywhere, but never long enough for Liam to be able to lean into it. It keeps him on edge and makes his cock leak precome without being touched. 

Liam keens when Zayn _finally_ touches him, running his index finger from the tip to the base. He doesn’t stop there. Liam groans when Zayn cups his balls and nearly bucks Zayn off him when Zayn presses against the sensitive skin below his balls. His finger doesn’t stop its exploration. Liam gasps when it slips between the cheeks of his ass. Another gasp escapes him when Zayn carefully circles the rim, just a gentle pressure. It feels good but at the same time it makes Liam feel vulnerable in a way he’s not used to. He’s not sure if he wants to push into the touch or pull away from it. 

Before he can make a decision, he feels Zayn’s lips against his inner thigh; first the swipe of his tongue and then Zayn is sucking a new bruise in the same spot he’d marked the last time they were together. Liam groans. “Zayn, I…”

Zayn is pressing kisses against the bruise, as he applies a little more pressure with his finger. 

“Fuck.” 

“This okay?” Zayn asks, teeth now scraping the over-sensitive skin of the bruise on Liam’s thigh. 

“Yeah, I…” Liam can’t formulate words. Suddenly, the pressure of Zayn’s finger is gone and that’s when Liam decides that he doesn’t want the feeling to stop. “Zayn-”

Zayn is leaning over him and kisses him briefly. “Need lube, babe.”

Liam nods, feeling another blush forming as he imagines Zayn slick fingers slipping into him. “Please.”

“I’ve got you.” Zayn grins, as he rummages through a drawer next to the bed. He kisses Liam one last time, before sliding down Liam’s body until he’s resting between Liam’s legs. Liam’s eyes slam shut when he hears the snick of the bottle of lube opening. For a second, Zayn isn’t touching him, but then the finger is back circling his rim. Liam hisses at the cold and the unfamiliar feeling when Zayn applies more pressure. “Zayn, I-”

"Li, have you ever done this before?"

Liam tries to clear his head and focus on Zayn's words, but the finger teasing his rim is distracting. When Zayn blows cold air against this cock, Liam _actually_ mewls. He'd be embarrassed by the sound, if it hadn't spurred Zayn into sucking another bruise on his inner thigh. Zayn's finger rubs against him with a little more pressure. Liam wants to press into it, his body already demanding more, but Zayn has him pinned to the mattress. " I... what?" 

"Have you tried this?" Zayn mumbles against the inside of his thigh. "Yourself?"

"No, I..." Liam feels the blush spreading from his cheeks down his neck to his chest. "I wanted..." 

"What?" Zayn presses a kiss on the tip of his cock, his tongue briefly flicking against the slit. "What do you want, Leeyum." 

"You." Liam breaths. "I want your fingers-" His words are cut by a load groan escaping him, as Zayn simultaneously swallows him down and presses his finger inside to the first knuckle. 

“Shit!”

“Breathe, babe” Zayn tells him while at the same time starting to move his finger, gently pushing and pulling. Liam gasps in a breath and focuses on the feeling of Zayn’s lips wrapped around him. The finger inside him feels foreign, but after a few slides, Liam leans into it. The more Zayn pushes, the better it starts to feel. Liam throws one arm over his face, unable to focus on anything else but Zayn’s finger caressing him on the inside and Zayn’s mouth on his cock. He thrusts his hips upwards, chasing the heat of Zayn’s mouth. With every downward thrust, Zayn’s finger slips in just a little further, stretching him. 

He knows he’s babbling when Zayn swallows around him again, his cock hitting the back of Zayn’s throat. At the same time, Zayn slips in a second finger. Liam is already too far gone to notice the slight discomfort of the stretch. He doesn’t think Zayn can make him feel any better. 

Clearly, he’s wrong. 

Because just a few thrusts later, Zayn’s fingers sink in deeper and graze over a spot inside him that makes his body arch off the bed. “Zayn, fuck!” Liam moans loudly, his back arching almost painfully. He thinks he actually squeaks when Zayn presses him down firmly. 

"Ah. _There._." 

Liam can hear the smug grin in Zayn's voice and he would have commented on it, if Zayn wasn’t still jabbing his finger against the little bundle of nerves. Liam can’t hold in his words. "Zayn! Please. Please. Ohmygod." 

Liam can barely breathe. His mouth falls open and his hips start to thrust against Zayn's fingers almost as if they have a will of their own. He had heard this could feel good, he just hadn't expected it to feel like _this_. Zayn is pressing his fingers in and out of him in a steady rhythm, yet rubbing his fingers against Liam's prostate in an uneven beat. It makes Liam toes curl each time he's surprised by the white-hot pleasure shooting through his body. He barely registers Zayn adding a third finger, scissoring slightly and making Liam feel fuller than he ever thought he'd experience. The stretch is slightly uncomfortable, but Zayn keeps rubbing his finger over his prostate until Liam's hips are meeting Zayn's steady rhythm again. 

That's when the teasing starts again. Two slides inside, a strong press against his prostate on the third. Just when Liam catches up on the rhythm, Zayn rubs his prostate every other thrust, before curving his fingers away from it for a number of thrusts that’s different each time. In the back of his mind, Liam can hear himself repeating Zayn's name, _begging_ , but he's already too far gone to worry about how desperate he sounds. 

“You should see yourself, babe.” Zayn mutters. “So hot.” 

Zayn gives in to his pleas though. Liam almost lifts of the bed when Zayn stills his fingers, buried deeply inside him. One of the fingers starts rubbing over his prostate with constant pressure and without warning, Zayn wraps his lips around Liam's cock again. His tongue licks away the precome, before he swallows Liam down one harsh suck. 

"Ohmygod, Zayn!" 

"I could make you come like this, Leeyum." The words ghost over Liam's cock as Zayn licks a stripe from the base to the tip. "Make you feel so good." 

For a second, Liam images if Zayn would do just that. He's already so close to coming, he's ready to let Zayn push him over the edge. But it's not what he wants though. "Fuck me.” Is what escapes him between one loud moan and the next. 

"What?"

Liam whines when Zayn's mouth leaves him and his fingers stutter to a halt inside him. 

"Liam?" 

"Fuck me." He repeats. He forces himself to open his eyes and look down at Zayn. He almost comes at the sight. Zayn looks positively _sinful_ between his legs, eyes darker than Liam has ever seen them, his lips swollen and wet with saliva and precome. "Please, Zayn, want you to fuck me." 

“Christ.” Zayn’s pupils dilate ever further. 

“I want to feel you inside me.” Liam releases the sheets he hadn’t realised he was gripping so hard his knuckles are white. “Please”

“Fuck, yes.” Zayn leans up suddenly, but is still gentle when he pulls his fingers away. Even though it’s what Liam asked, he still whines at the loss. Zayn chuckles as he crawls up the bed. “Don’t worry, I’ll fill you up again.”

The dirty words make Liam’s cock leak more precome. “Come one then.” He urges Zayn on, receiving another chuckle in return. 

“Impatient.” 

“I just want you to fuck me.”

This time, it’s Zayn who groans at the words. He reaches towards to dresser next to the bed. Liam knows he’s going for a condom. Liam grabs his wrist, before Zayn can open the drawer. “You don’t…”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. 

“I’m clean.” Liam mumbles. “Got tested a week ago.” 

Again, Zayn chuckles. “Still such a fucking boy scout.” 

There’s no malice behind the words, it sounds more like an endearment than anything else and Liam returns Zayn’s smile. “Just want to feel you, Zayn. Please.” 

Zayn nods. “Just so you know, I’m clean too.” He whispers into Liam’s ear. 

“Yeah.” 

Zayn hands move to Liam hips and he grabs them, as if he wants to flip Liam over. “No.” Liam says. “Like this.”

“It’s easier the first time if-”

“I know.” Liam mumbles against Zayn lip, his cheeks flushing even further as he remembers all the _very_ explicit details Sam had given him. “But I want to see you.”

“Okay.”

Liam grabs the lube to slick up Zayn. He almost drops the bottle when Zayn slips two fingers back inside him. The next few minutes are filled with more gasps and begs fromLiam. When Zayn pulls away his fingers, the pressure is replaced immediately by the head of Zayn’s cock. Zayn takes his time, sinking into Liam slowly, but the pressure is still uncomfortable. For a second, Liam wonders if his body can handle the stretch but that’s when Zayn bottoms out. “Fuck, you feel so good.” Zayn grits against his neck. “So tight.”

Liam doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he ghosts his lips against Zayn’s cheek. “Please.”

Zayn raises himself up slightly, resting on his elbows on either side of Liam’s shoulders. He gently rolls his hips and Liam groans. It takes a minute – and Zayn telling him to wrap one of his hands around his own cock – for the pleasure to overtake the pain. After that, it’s a blur of pleasure shooting up and down his spine and making his brain short-circuit completely. Zayn is groaning in his ear, telling him how amazing he feels, how good he looks, how Zayn can’t believe he gets to do this Liam and how good he wants Liam to feel. Liam wants to reply, but he can’t form the words. 

A few swearwords escape him when Zayn hooks a hand behind Liam’s right knee and pulls up the leg slightly. It changes the angle and suddenly Zayn’s cock is dragging over his prostate with every thrust. Way too soon Liam is on the very edge, his orgasm threatening to overtake his body completely. “So close.” He gasps, when a particular hard thrust jabs his prostate full on. 

Zayn slaps Liam’s hand away from his cock and replaces it with his own. He strokes in time with his thrusts. “Let go, Li.” Zayn mutters. “I want to feel you come around me.” 

“Zayn-”

“Just do it, babe.”

“Oh, fuck.” 

When Zayn slams into him, hitting that bundle of nerves once more, and flicks his wrist around the head of Liam’s cock at the same time, Liam loses control of his body. He comes with a groan of Zayn’s name. The orgasm seems to last forever and Zayn gently fucks him through it. He feels his hole fluttering around Zayn’s cock and just when Liam is bordering on over-sensitive, Zayn’s body goes taut. He bites his lower lip and goes completely silent when his own orgasm slams into him. Liam is slightly overwhelmed at the feeling of Zayn coming inside him, his head still spinning from his own orgasm. Zayn’s arms give out and he falls on top of Liam, clearly not caring about the come on Liam’s chest that is now sticking between them. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard.” Liam blurts out when Zayn presses a kiss on the juncture of Liam’s neck, after they both have their breathing under control. 

Zayn chuckles breathlessly. “So we can do this again?”

“Oh god, yes.” 

Zayn raises his head and Liam blushes at the look in Zayn’s eyes. No one has ever looked at him like that, the wonder and affection clearly visible in Zayn’s eyes. Liam bites his lower lip and now it’s Zayn’s turn to blush. 

“You. Are. Amazing.” Zayn tells him, emphasizing each word with a soft kiss. 

“So are you.” Liam replies, before pulling Zayn in for a deeper kiss. Zayn breaks the kiss much sooner than Liam likes. Zayn grimaces as he raises himself up slightly, the dried come sticking to his chest. Liam groans when Zayn carefully slips out of him. “Zayn.”

“You okay?” Zayn asks, as he flips unto his back. He tugs at Liam’s arm. Liam immediately takes the invitation to snuggle into Zayn’s side. “Yeah.”

He runs his finger over Zayn’s chest, tracing invisible patterns. “I want…” He starts. Zayn looks at him expectantly. “What, Li?”

“More.” 

“More?”

“Yeah.” Liam bites his lower lip, eyes holding Zayn’s gaze. “I want to try this.”

“This?” 

“You and me.” Liam clarifies. For a heartbeat or two, he thinks he went too fast, asked too much too soon, but then Zayn is grinning at him, eyes crinkled and tongue pressing against his teeth. “Fuck, yes.”

And just like that, Liam loses any doubt he might have had about the way Zayn feels about him. He returns Zayn’s grin. Zayn’s hand tangles with his hair at the nape of his neck. “I can come to London when my album is finished.” He says shyly. “Stay for a few weeks, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Liam replies, before closing his mouth over Zayn’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all you readers who left kudos or a comment! Those comments make my day, I love to hear what you think!


	8. Seven

“Your hair…” Liam gasps. 

Zayn laughs heartily at the stunned look at Liam’s face. The last week, they’d only talked on the phone. With Zayn being busy with recording his latest video and Liam spending time in the studio, the videocalls had been scarce – Zayn had missed the video calls; honestly, phone sex was so much more fun when he could actually see a breathless Liam, instead of just hearing him – so Liam hadn’t seen his recent haircut yet. Instead of replying, Zayn nudges Liam in the shoulder. “You gonna let me in, babe?”

“Yeah.” Liam’s eyes are still wide and he sounds a bit out of breath, but he steps aside to let Zayn in. Zayn steps into the hallway, throws the door shut and steps straight into Liam’s waiting arms. He buries his face in Liam’s neck, inhaling Liam’s scent. “I’m glad I’m here.” Zayn whispers, pressing a gentle kiss against the warm skin against his lips. The words, which one of them utters whenever they see each other after a period of time already start to feel like a tradition between the two of them. 

“Me too.” Liam replies softly. One of his hands sneaks up and rests at Zayn’s neck. Liam’s fingers graze over the recent short hair. “Why the hair cut?” He asks. 

“I wanted a change.” Zayn shrugs. “Looks cool in the video.” Zayn had just shot the video for his newest single. He thinks the video turned out rather sick and he’s really happy with the result. He can’t help but be nervous about the release of the song though. He’d been hiding the last year; it had been a deliberate choice to hardly be seen in public. Yet, he is worried that people will have forgotten about him, that they won’t want to listen to his music anymore. All he can do now is just wait and see. Liam’s fingers are still gently kneading his neck and Zayn feels the tension seep out of his bones. It feels a bit foreign though, not having Liam tangle his fingers in his hair. “I dyed my hair too much. Might have to go completely bald.” Zayn adds, almost as an afterthought. 

“Oh God.” Liam groans. “Please don’t.”

Zayn snickers. Liam whines almost inaudibly when Zayn pulls out of his embrace slightly. The sound turns into a soft moan when Zayn presses his lips against Liam’s. Liam’s mouth immediately opens beneath his and Zayn surges inside with a groan. Before things can get too far – and Christ, Zayn wants them to – Liam pulls away, a breathless chuckle falling from his lips. “Zayn, your-”

“Hmm?” If Liam doesn’t want to kiss him, Zayn will just have to find another way to keep Liam as close as possible. He presses a kiss against Liam’s cheek, followed by a trail of kisses until his mouth is fastened on Liam’s neck. For a few seconds, Zayn thinks he convinced Liam that talking is unnecessary at the moment, but when Liam starts shaking softly, Zayn pulls away. “Are you _laughing_?" 

“Yes.” Liam actually giggles. “Don’t you have a suitcase or summat?”

Oh. Zayn feels his cheeks heat up as he smiles sheepishly at Liam. It makes Liam burst into laughter and pull away from Zayn. Only a second later, Liam has pulled the front door back open. Zayn’s embarrassment increases as he glances at Liam’s driver standing on the doorstep. The man is grinning at them. Zayn’s suitcase is standing next to him. “Gentlemen.” He says, nodding his head at Liam when Liam grabs the handle of the suitcase and starts hauling it inside. 

When the front door is closed again, Liam burst into laughter. He’s laughing so hard, he has to lean against the wall, eyes crinkled and his cheeks flushed in a way that makes heat curl in Zayn’s stomach. “I can’t believe you forgot your suitcase.”

“Hey.” Zayn hits Liam on the back of his head softly. “Don’t laugh at me.” He takes a step forward, until he’s crowding Liam’s personal space again. “Couldn’t wait to see you, y’know.”

The words are meant to sound as a joke, but Zayn knows they sounded way too serious when Liam’s breath hitches. His brown eyes meet with Zayn’s and the laughter dies in his throat. It’s replaced with a smile that makes Zayn’s insides tingle and his skin hum. “Come here.” Liam mutters, his hand back on Zayn’s neck as he pulls Zayn in for another kiss. 

This time, Zayn makes sure Liam doesn’t pull away before they’re both breathless and flushed with orgasms that felt long overdue. 

 

***

 

Zayn can’t believe how easy it is to fall into a daily rhythm with Liam. Of course they had spent weeks and weeks on end together before, touring the world with One Direction. Back then, they had often found themselves in one hotel room, exhausted from the show that evening and just seeking comfort with each other. It had been effortless, up until the moment that Zayn had started to feel uncomfortable in his own skin. 

Zayn hadn’t expected it to be just as effortless now as it had been when they had been forced to spend so much time together. 

Him and Liam had spent the first two days of Zayn’s stay in London holed up inside the house, hardly ever dressed and unable to keep their hands or mouths off of each other. After those delicious days, they had fallen into a rhythm that is so comfortable, Zayn feels at home in a way he only feels when he’s spending time with his family. Liam usually spends a few hours a day in the studio close to his home, finally getting back into making music with the intend of creating something he can release into the world. Still a sports fanatic, Liam gets up early to hit the gym. Most days, they each spend a few hours working before they spend the evening together or with Liam’s friends. Liam’s friends had taken in Zayn as one of their own from the moment Liam had introduced Zayn. 

The next day, they would repeat the same pattern all over again. The simplicity of it makes Zayn feel giddy, his stomach feeling like butterflies are fluttering around madly.

The hours Liam isn’t in the house, Zayn feels his skin itch with anticipation until Liam comes _home_. 

It’s that last thought that scares Zayn a little. Home. Liam already feels like home to him, even though it’s been just a few weeks. He keeps postponing the moment he has to go back to L.A., not wanting to leave the bubble he finds himself in with Liam. He can’t imagine not waking up next to Liam, grumbling because Liam gets out of bed at an ungodly hour to work out. He can’t imagine dragging himself out of bed two hours later to find Liam in the kitchen, making breakfast for the two of them. He can’t imagine not being able to touch Liam whenever he wants to, not being able to kiss him whenever he feels like it. 

Of course, Zayn wouldn’t be himself if it didn’t make him worry. He’s worried about what will happen when he inevitably has to back to his L.A. home. It terrifies him, but he promised himself and his management that he would actually try to do promotion events for his album, maybe even perform a few shows. He wants to share his music. His fans, the people who still support him after two years of barely any live performances or interviews, deserve it for still standing behind him and buying his music. His anxiety already overwhelms him at times and it’s Liam who manages to calm him down. 

He doesn’t know how he’ll do all of it without Liam by his side. Actually, he’s worried about not having Liam by his side, period. With or without him needing to promote his new album. 

Of course, Liam being the optimist that he is, prevents him from being worried about it. Liam takes Zayn’s fears seriously. At the same time, he laughs them away with a hand on Zayn’s neck to knead away the knots of tension or an arm around him as Zayn’s head is lying on his chest. Liam is awfully realistic when he tells Zayn that they have the luxury of enough money to fly back and forth whenever they can. Sure, it won’t be as easy as living in the same city, but Liam is convinced they can make it happen if they both work for it. Liam added the fact that he technically still doesn’t have a job to that line of arguments, saying that he’s free to spend longer periods of time in L.A. if that’s easier when Zayn’s album comes out. 

The easiness with which Liam is convinced they can make it work, settles something in Zayn’s bones each and every time. All the talks they’ve had, had helped too. Zayn and Liam spent hours talking about why Zayn had left, why Zayn couldn’t stay even though the tour would only last for another few months and it would be the last one in a long time. Zayn finally understands how his departure affected Liam and the other three boys. It makes him understand their anger. Zayn realises how betrayed they all had felt, when he left without telling them and dropped his bomb about not coming back at all through a video call. Zayn had been so wrapped up in his own misery, he hadn’t had room in his head or heart for the others’ confusion and anger. All those talks had made Liam grasp how difficult it had been for Zayn to make the decision of stepping away from it all.

They had talked endlessly about their families, Zayn’s anxiety and Liam’s unhappiness with his life the last year or so. It truly feels like Zayn and Liam are working out their issues, even though talking about his feelings doesn’t come naturally to Zayn. Liam is better at it, his therapist helping him to voice his feelings and insecurities. 

Just a few weeks in, it feels like a mature relationship. Something that could actually last if Zayn and Liam keep putting in the work. Zayn can’t imagine his life without Liam. It’s something he hasn’t admitted to Liam just yet, but he’s not sure how long he’ll be able to keep the ‘I love you’ that’s lying on the tip of his tongue to himself. Zayn’s really starting to depend on Liam, just like he had when he was younger and overwhelmed with the fame and fortune that came with being part of one of the most popular bands at that time. It scares him, but at the same he loves it. 

Zayn knows he’s fallen in love with Liam and with every touch, every hug or kiss that Liam gives him, Zayn starts to believe that Liam might feel the same way. 

It makes him happier than he’s been in years. 

 

***

 

"Well, fuck." 

Zayn's jaw drops at the recognizable, high-pitched voice belonging to the person on the other side of the front door. His eyes meet with a pair of narrowed, blue ones. 

Louis Tomlinson, of all people, is the last person Zayn expected to find on Liam's doorstep. Zayn had been waiting for his Thai food to be delivered. Liam was still in the studio and wouldn't be back for at least another hour. He’d texted Zayn that he would be eating something in the studio. Zayn had taken the opportunity to order all the things he loved, but Liam hated. When the doorbell rang, Zayn had practically salivated and skipped to the door, throwing it open carelessly, expecting the delivery-guy. 

His former bandmate, with a toddler on his arm, is definitely _not_ what Zayn had expected to find. 

"Ehm..." He doesn't know what to say. Louis' eyes scan him from head to toe. When his eyes meet Zayn's again, he raises an eyebrow. "Gonna let us in, or what?"

"Yeah." Zayn mumbles, stepping aside. "Come in."

"Liam told me about the two of you. Didn't know you moved in though."

If Zayn hadn't known Louis quite so well those few years ago, the words would have sounded as an insult. It seems Louis is thrown off guard just as much as Zayn. "Just staying for a few weeks." Zayn mumbles. Without any more words, he leads Louis to the living room. Louis follows quietly. Zayn motions for Louis to sit down on the couch. When Louis does, Zayn takes a first look at the little guy in Louis' arms. "He looks like you." 

The proud smile on Louis' face pulls on Zayn's heartstrings. Once, in a moment that he had then labelled as weakness but Liam had said was necessary, Zayn had admitted to Liam how much he had missed the other boys, especially Louis. How he hated that with his departure from the band, he lost the four people who had become his best friends by default. Zayn hadn't said it to Liam - not wanting to hurt him - but Zayn thinks that if he met the lads in any other situation, out of all of the boys, Zayn would have first gravitated to Louis first. Where Zayn could be quiet and introvert, Louis was loud and brash, but they had the same outlook on life. They did the same stupid things, like smoking, and had the same sense of humour. From the boys, Louis was most like Zayn’s friends from Bradford. While Liam provided a sense of home, Louis was most like the people Zayn had surrounded himself with during his childhood. Out of his friendships with the three boys, his friendship with Louis crumbling had hurt the most. When they had that petty fight on social media, Zayn had doubted they would ever work things out. 

Zayn realises that Louis is talking to him when the other lad chuckles. He doesn't repeat what he said, so Zayn awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. "Li is in the studio." He offers. 

"I should have called ahead." Louis shrugs. "But Liam's been bugging me about seeing Freddie again and we're not in London that often."

"Yeah." 

The silence is a little uncomfortable. Both him and Louis are staring at each other. Zayn has no idea what to say to the other man. He inwardly curses Liam's sudden work ethic, as he's trying to figure out whether he should offer Louis something to drink, or if he shouldn't – to give Louis a graceful way out of the awkward situation. Before Zayn can make up his mind, Louis makes the decision for him. "Do you have some juice for Freddie." He motions towards his son.

"Er," Zayn nods. "I think so? But it's all sugary shit though." 

"Some water then?"

"Look at you, being all responsible." The jab is meant to be light-hearted, but Zayn realises too late that him and Louis might not be at the stage anymore. He doesn't look away when Louis stares at him, trying to read him. Apparently, it shows the words were meant to be a joke, because Louis chuckles. "Someone has to. Can't really depend on this little man just yet." 

Zayn smiles softly and hurries into the kitchen. He fills the sippy cup Louis handed him with water and quickly sends Liam a text, begging him to come home. When he makes his way back into the living room, Louis is leaning back against the couch, while Freddie is investigating the room. Zayn hands Louis the cup and sinks down on the couch as well. Once again, the silence is poignant. Zayn’s mind is spinning, trying to come up with something, anything, to chase away the quiet. He comes up empty. 

Of course, Louis doesn’t shy away from saying out loud how uncomfortable the situation is. “This is bloody awkward.”

“Yeah, I…”

“Look, mate,” Louis starts, “I’m still pretty pissed at how shit went down.”

Zayn nods. He knew Louis would be the hardest to get back into some semblance of a friendship with. Niall had been pretty easy to convince – Liam had skyped with the Irish guy a week ago and when he told Niall Zayn was staying him for a while, Niall had demanded that Zayn joined in the conversation. Niall had told Zayn off for being ‘an arse’, for not truthfully telling the other boys how he felt until after he had made the decision to leave the band. Zayn had been completely thrown off guard when Niall had apologized for not trying hard enough to understand why Zayn hadn’t been doing well and why he hadn’t been able to stay. That had been it. Kind, gentle Niall had not held a grudge after that and he had promised Zayn and Liam to come over for a beer as soon as he was back in London. 

Even Harry had send Liam a text that he was happy for the both of them and that they perhaps could meet up somewhere in the near future. 

It’s different with Louis. Zayn had reached out when Louis’ mum passed away and while it might have been a start to patch things up, they had barely scratched the surface. 

“But life is too short to be so fucking angry all the time.” Louis’ voice is wistful. Zayn knows why Louis is saying it and his heart breaks a little for Louis. “I’m sorry, Lou.” He says. And he means it. He’s sorry for the heartbreak Louis suffered the last year, but he’s also sorry for how he left. While Niall had said the other boys could have made more of an effort, Zayn knows he hadn’t been able to be honest with his friends. He’d closed himself off and hadn’t wanted anyone to see the full extent of the dark hole he found himself in. He hopes that at some point in the future, he’ll be able to make the others see that. 

“Yeah.” Louis sighs. 

Before Zayn can say anything else, Freddie pulls himself up by Zayn’s legs. He stares at Zayn, his eyes so similar to his father’s. Unlike his father though, Freddie smiles widely at Zayn. He holds up his chubby arms. Zayn glances at Louis for permission to pick up his son. Louis nods curtly. Zayn goes to pick up the toddler, which earns him another grin. The moment Freddie is sitting down, Zayn’s arm wrapped around him to prevent him from falling, the boy starts tugging at the sleeves of Zayn’s jumper. Without question, Zayn rolls up his sleeves, first the right and then the left. To his surprise, Freddie laughs in delight and one of his little fingers start tracing the tattoos on his left arm. 

“He bloody loves tattoos.” Louis grumbles, but there’s a warm smile on his face. “I don’t know how I’m going to keep him from getting them himself once he’s older.” 

“That’s not so bad.” Zayn shrugs. 

“I know.” Louis is chuckling now. “I just hope he has more sense than his dad when it comes to picking him.”

The comment makes Zayn laugh lightly. “He seems proper smart.” Zayn says. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.” 

Louis grins at the compliment about his son and for the first time since Louis entered Liam’s house, Zayn feels like he can breathe properly again. They might be okay. It’ll take time, but perhaps he can have Louis back in his life as well. 

Zayn knows it would make him happy. He knows it will make Liam happy too. 

That thought is proven correct when Liam comes home an hour later. The look on Liam's face when he finds Zayn and Louis on the couch together, talking softly with a sleeping Freddie between them, makes Zayn's heart beat a little faster and it makes him press Liam against the front door to kiss him breathless as soon as Louis and Freddie leave. 

 

***

 

Liam grumbles in his sleep and turns over unto his stomach. His left arm automatically finds Zayn's chest, as if he's gravitated towards Zayn even in his sleep. He buries his face in the crook of Zayn's neck, practically lying on top of Zayn’s thinner frame. Zayn loves it though. 

He _loves_ sleeping with Liam.

Actually, literally sleeping with Liam.

Zayn loves sleeping. Even though it's one of his favourite things to do, he's also a worrier. When he's busy with work, or tense about something - like the upcoming release of his album - falling asleep is quite a hassle. 

When Liam is sleeping soundly next to him, Zayn finds that lying awake in the dark of the night is not so bad. Before, he would get annoyed; why could the person next to him fall asleep so easily, while he was lying awake? It's different with Liam. Liam loves to cuddle. The weight of Liam on top of him, Liam's breath on his skin and Liam's body heat seeping into his own bones, makes Zayn relax. It makes him actually enjoy the silence of the night. 

Plus, there's also the fact that actually sleeping with Liam is usually preceded by sleeping with Liam in the biblical sense.

Which is something Zayn loves even more than sleeping itself.

The sex is amazing. It's by far the best Zayn's ever had. Liam had needed a little time to get over his initial shyness, to get over the worry of not knowing what to do. But now that he has... 

Liam is a _fun_ bedpartner. He's not scared to try new things and is able to laugh when things don't go exactly as either one of them had imagined. Trying new things with Liam is half of the fun, Liam’s reaction to when it actually works provides the other half. Zayn still isn’t used to how responsive Liam is. His reactions drive Zayn crazy in the most delicious of ways. Zayn still gets a little hard every time he remembers the first time he had rimmed Liam. That’s the only thing Liam was really hesitant about at first – and he had refused Zayn until he had taken a second shower, even though he’d showered already. Once he had relaxed enough to feel what Zayn was doing to him, Liam’s reactions had almost Zayn come without a touch to his cock. 

Both Liam and Zayn had been a bit surprised about how much Liam liked Zayn fucking him. Liam turned out to be much more sensitive than Zayn, which is a joy to them both. Zayn loves the feeling of Liam underneath him, the feeling of holding Liam while slowly thrusting into him as Liam trembles against him. Liam absolutely loves it when Zayn takes the lead, when he moves Liam around the bed – or any piece of furniture, really – to get Liam into the position he wants. Liam’s breathless begs drive Zayn crazy each and every time. But when Liam fucks Zayn... Zayn doesn't think he's ever been with someone who made him enjoy it more, who can make him lose his mind the way Liam can. Liam is also the first partner Zayn feels completely equal to when they’re having sex. They both give and take as much as the other. Liam loves it when Zayn takes control, when Zayn teases him, but he's just as capable of making Zayn beg for it. 

Zayn shifts underneath Liam’s body, feeling a little hot all of a sudden. Sweat is prickling in the back of his neck and he can feel himself straining against his pants. 

And he really doesn’t want to wait acting on the want coursing through his body until Liam wakes up. Zayn tangles his fingers with Liam’s hair and gently tugs. “Babe?” 

“Nrgh.” Liam just grumbles, but his unconscious grip on Zayn lessens a little. Zayn shifts around more, until he can push Liam unto his back. He settles un top of Liam. His lips seek out the sensitive spot just below Liam’s left ear. “Liam, wake up for me?” He whispers. Liam groans again, but he still doesn’t open his eyes. Zayn sucks the bruise on Liam’s neck that he left the day before and Liam writhes underneath him. “Zayn?” His voice is deep with sleep. 

“Need you to open your eyes for a minute, babe.” Zayn mumbles against Liam’s warm skin. 

“Wha?” 

When Zayn is certain Liam is awake, he grinds down his hips. “Want you, Leeyum.”

“I.. what?” Liam is still groggy with sleep, but his arms circle around Zayn’s waist. 

“Can I?”

“Zayn.” Liam’s breathless gasp of his name is all the confirmation Zayn needs to slide down Liam’s body. “Want to make you feel good, babe.”

“Oh fuck.” 

Liam’s body is definitely awake, his cock immediately hardening when Zayn’s hand wraps around it. “Just lay still, yeah?”

“Ohmygod.”

Yes, Zayn thinks as he flashes Liam a grin before kissing his way further down Liam’s body, Liam’s responses are definitely the best. 

 

***

 

Zayn bites his nails. It’s a habit he can’t seem to shake. He’d much rather have a cigarette, but he doesn’t want to face Liam’s parents while smelling of smoke. 

"Are you okay?" 

Zayn glances at Liam, who’s leaning against his parents’ kitchen counter. Zayn’s heart is beating rapidly and his palms are sweaty. His nerves must show on his face, because Liam is looking at him, eyes full of concern. 

"Yeah." Zayn says. "Just..."

He can't believe he's so nervous to meet people he's known for years. It's been over two years since he'd seen Karen and Geoff Payne though. Liam had told him how pleased Karen was that he was now back in Liam's life. It hadn't done much to settle his nerves. 

“It’ll be okay, Zayn.” 

Zayn is grateful Liam isn’t laughing at him, even if it would have been good-heartedly. Zayn’s throat is closing up and his muscles are tense, but he tries to smile at Liam. Liam shakes his head softly, but he pulls Zayn into a hug anyway. “You really don’t have to be so nervous.”

“I know.” Zayn realises he sounds miserable. 

“Good.” Liam places a hand against his cheek. His thumb is caressing the skin and Zayn leans into the touch. He practically purrs when Liam’s other hand start kneading the tense muscles in his neck and Liam chuckles. “Better?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Liam mumbles again, before he presses his lips against Zayn’s. His bottom lips slides between Zayn’s lips. Zayn gasps into it. It’s just a gentle pressure at first, until Zayn brushing his tongue over Liam’s full lip. Liam softly groans into his mouth. Zayn shuffles a little closer until Liam is pressed against the counter. Zayn sighs happily when Liam’s tongue traces his own and he immediately opens his mouth. Liam takes the invitation and deepens the kiss. Zayn can’t help himself, his hands starts roaming Liam’s body after a minute of slow kisses. The need to touch Liam, to feel Liam’s skin under his fingertips and to feel the rippling of Liam’s strong muscles is too strong for Zayn to stop himself. One hand sneaks under Liam’s jumper, while the other slips into one of the back pockets of Liam jeans. 

Zayn is so caught up in the kiss that he doesn’t hear the kitchen door open. 

"Ahem." 

Zayn practically jumps away from Liam at the cough coming from behind him. He whips his head around to find Geoff and Karen standing in the kitchen. Geoff looks at them with a thoughtful look on his face. Karen looks delighted, with a wide smile and a warmth in her eyes. Zayn can feel Liam chuckle against him. "Shut up." He hisses underneath his breath, mortified. This is not how he had wanted to greet Karen and Geoff for the first time in years. Groping their son is not the first impression he had wanted to leave. His hissed words have the opposite effect, they just make Liam burst into laughter. It makes Zayn's cheeks heat up even further. 

"This is so embarrassing." He mutters, as he glares at Liam. It's not wholeheartedly though; Liam looks too giddy for Zayn to be actually mad at him. After just a few seconds of staring at Liam, Zayn feels the corners of his own mouth curve up as well. 

"Zayn!" Karen breaks Zayn and Liam’s stare and she rushes over to Zayn. She immediately pulls him into a tight hug. “I’m so happy you’re here.” She gushes. Her hands stay on his shoulders as she studies at him. “You look so much healthier, darling.”

“I… Yeah.” Zayn’s still blushing, but he makes himself smile at Liam’s mother. “I feel better.”

“That’s good.” Karen smiles widely and she taps his cheek in a way Zayn has seen her do to Liam many times. “Let me make some tea.”

After that, it’s like the clock is set backwards three years. Geoff and especially Karen haven’t changed much and it takes just a cheeky comment from Karen to make Zayn feel right at home again. Geoff is a little more closed off and he keeps eyeing Liam and Zayn with a look in his eyes that’s hard to decipher for Zayn. He still asks a lot of questions, clearly interested in Zayn’s life. The afternoon flies by and during dinner, Zayn is mostly quiet. Zayn is practically inhaling his food as Karen made her roast. She tells him Liam begged her to make it, since ‘it’s Zayn’s favourite, mum’. The comment makes Liam blush furiously, while Geoff and Zayn laugh. 

When Geoff asks them about their plans, more specifically about whether or not they are planning on going public with their relationship, the atmosphere at the dinner table gets a little tense. 

"We don't want to hide, dad." Liam answers, before Zayn can say anything. He definitely sounds more certain than Zayn feels, even though Zayn agrees with him. He doesn't want to hide, but if he's honest, he's terrified of the scrutiny that is likely to follow. 

Apparently, Geoff is thinking something along the same lines. "Are you boys sure? You don't have to hide, but you don't have to say anything either."

Zayn recognizes Geoff's hesitation from his own father, albeit for different reasons. Geoff seems genuinely worried about other people's reactions and what those will do to his son. Also, as Liam had muttered while they had sneaked into the garden before dinner so Zayn could finally have a cigarette, Geoff is not completely used to the idea of his son being in a relationship with a man. Zayn remembers how long it had taken his father – his _religious_ father – to get used to the idea, so Zayn doesn't blame the older man. Geoff had given Zayn a hug when he had followed Liam and Karen into the living room earlier and had told Zayn how happy he was to see Zayn again. It’s a relief to know it's not that Geoff doesn't like Zayn. 

Which, surprisingly, had been Yaser's biggest hurdle: liking Liam again. Yaser Malik was still worried his son would fall back into old, destructive habits now he was hanging out with 'those boys' again. Zayn had tried to explain that it wasn't Liam's fault – nor Harry's, Louis' or Niall's – that Zayn had lost himself his last year with the band. Yaser still found it hard to accept that Zayn was friends with them again, albeit tentatively. More importantly, he found it hard to accept that Liam had found his way back into Zayn's heart. Zayn's cheeks flush as he remembered one specific night, two months after he had left the band, where he had burst into tears in front of his father, heartbroken and missing Liam. That is what Yaser finds difficult to forget and Zayn knows it will take some time to show his father that it's different this time around. Yaser had still welcomed Liam into his house, but it would be slow process.

"Dad," Liam's voice interrupts Zayn's musings. "That's the same as hiding. I'm not ashamed."

"Nobody is saying you have to be, dear." Karen pats Liam's hand. "Just... why the rush?"

"What?"

"Why the rush to tell _everyone_?" Karen's gives Liam a soft smile. "The important people in your life know. Just let it happen, but don't go looking for it. Enjoy the privacy as long as it lasts."

Zayn only realises he's nodding, when Karen points at him. "Zayn agrees."

"Mum." Liam sounds tired and Zayn grabs Liam's other hand under the table. He gives it a gentle squeeze. He's glad when he sees it lessens the hunch of Liam's shoulder, some of the tension leaving him. "Whatever you want, Li." He mumbles, his cheeks burning when both Karen and Geoff chuckle.

"We'll talk about it later." Liam says, fingers tightening around Zayn's before he lets go of the hand. "But I'm not hiding." 

"I know." Zayn replies. He does know. Him and Liam had talked about before, multiple times even; what it would mean if they would come out, literally. Liam doesn't want to hide. He doesn't want to give people any reason to believe he's ashamed, nor a reason to believe that being with another man is something to be ashamed off in general. While Zayn agrees with the sentiment, he doesn't want the attention that will come with their relationship going public. Zayn realises there will be some sort of commotion if and when their relationship becomes public knowledge, but he hopes they can avoid it for as long as possible. He doesn't want to be made into an example; Muslim _and_ bi-sexual. He doesn't want to become a role model simply because people think he _should_ set an example. Zayn knows it’s selfish, but he doesn't think he can deal with that all of that just yet. At the same time, he agrees with Liam that hiding makes it looks like they’re ashamed and he wants to avoid that as well. 

It's a fine balance and they haven't decided about how to handle it yet. 

Zayn is glad neither Liam or his parents touch the subject any further and he's happy to let it rest for a little while. He only gets two days of reprieve before he is forced to deal with it though. 

Zayn walks into the living room, two cups of tea in his hands. Liam is sitting on the couch. His phone is pressed against his ear. His lips are formed into thin line and his forehead is worried into a frown. “I don’t know.” He says into the receiver. “That’s not-”

Zayn raises an eyebrow as he hands Liam one of the cups. Liam shakes his head softly. He’s listening to what the person on the other side of the line is telling and he groans in frustration. Zayn feels his stomach tighten a little when the other person’s words increase Liam’s frown. “That’s not what we want.” Liam says, more clearly this time. “If that’s the way-”

Again, Liam is interrupted. For a few seconds, Liam is silent. Then he sighs in resignation. “Fine.” He mumbles. “I’ll talk to Zayn.” Without saying anything else, Liam hangs up the phone and throws it unto the couch. Zayn watches the device bounce, but luckily it doesn’t fall unto the floor. “Babe?” 

“That was my management.”

The words uncurl a rush of blood in Zayn’s veins and his stomach clenches again. Those words have hardly ever been followed by good news. “And?”

“They are okay with me releasing a single before the album is finished.” 

“But?” Zayn knows he should be congratulating Liam. Liam releasing a solo single is good news. Liam has been working really hard and the hard work is finally paying off. Right now though, Liam doesn’t seem happy about it, and Zayn can practically feel the uncomfortableness radiating off of Liam. 

“They want me to wait a little.”

“Wait for what?” Zayn asks, his voice dripping with hesitation. He’s not sure if he wants to hear the answer. He places his cup on the table and watches Liam do the same. Liam immediately starts fidgeting. His voice is small. “Until we’re papped.”

“We… what?”

“They want us to get papped together.”

“What?” Zayn is trying to string Liam’s words together into a proper sentence, but it’s difficult. His brain stopped working, apparently. “They want what?”

Liam’s voice wobbles. “They want us to come out before they will release my single.”

“ _Jesus._ ” Zayn grits his teeth when the words sink in. “That’s bullshit.”

Zayn can feel the anger coursing through his veins and he clenches his hands into fists. Both him and Liam had told their management about their relationship, in case they would be spotted together. Neither of them had wanted to be blind sighted by sudden media exposure and have to deal with management that had been left in the dark at the same time. It had been the most rational option to just tell their management. Zayn had never thought they would actually try to _use_ it against one of them. “They can’t do that, Liam.”

“I-”

“I can’t believe those assholes!” Zayn rants. “Why do they still think they can run our lives.”

“They said it would lead to a lot more publicity for my single.”

The sentence does absolutely nothing to quell Zayn’s anger, but he swallows his next angry comment when he looks at Liam. Liam is hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his head is resting in his hands. The part of the skin of Liam’s cheeks that the skin is white as a sheet. Zayn instantly moves closer to Liam and wraps an arm around shoulder. “Li?”

“It sounded a bit like an ultimatum.”

“Oh Christ.” Zayn bites his lower lip hard, to keep him from going off on another rant. “They can’t do that, Liam.”

“But-”

“They can’t.” Zayn insists. “They’ll release your single anyway. I’m sure of it. They can’t bully us into sharing something that’s supposed to be private.”

“I know.” Liam finally looks up and he looks at Zayn. “But…”

“But?” Zayn prompts gently. 

“It would be nice to go outside and hold your hand. Not having to hold back all the time.” Liam’s voice is small. 

“I know.” Zayn agrees. “But at _our_ terms, yeah?” His heartbeat is finally slowing down a little. “I won’t be used like that again, Li. I won’t let you be used like that again. They can’t use us like that, use our relationship as a fucking publicity stunt.”

“I know.”

“So call them back, Li. Tell them we’re not doing is.” Zayn pulls Liam against him and the younger man immediately curls into him. “Or better yet, I’ll have my management call yours to shout at them.”

Liam chuckles, even though it’s still a bit shaky. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Zayn brushes a kiss against Liam’s forehead. “I’d be happy to stand next to you when you release your music.” Zayn feels the need to say the words and Liam’s breath catches. “But it has to be our decision, yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

 

***

 

Zayn is pacing in the bedroom, toying with the hem his t-shirt and biting his nails as he waits for Liam to return to the room as well. They had just been ready to go to bed when Liam’s fucking management _finally_ called him back. Zayn had kept his word and told his own management about what Liam’s agency wanted, but Liam had insisted he wanted to discuss this himself first. Liam had never been one to take the easy way out when it came to management or their decisions. Zayn had been oddly proud when Liam had stood strong when he told his manager there was no way he was going to agree to their terms. 

Of course, they hadn’t want to give in immediately and they had promised to call Liam back. 

When Liam skips back into the room with a smile on his face a few minutes later, Zayn lets out a sigh of relief. Liam wouldn’t be smiling if it’s bad news. “So?”

Liam’s smile widens. “My single will be released in two weeks.”

“And no-”

“No nothing.” Liam crosses the room, until his body his pressed against Zayn’s. “We don’t have to do anything.”

“Good.” Having Liam so close still makes Zayn a little breathless and he hopes the feeling never goes away. His blood starts rushing to his cock when Liam wraps his arms around him and gently rolls his hips into Zayn’s. “I can’t believe they listened to me.” He breathes against Zayn’s lips.

“Course they did, babe.”

Liam grins cheekily as he pushes Zayn until to the bed. He quickly follows. Once he’s straddling Zayn, he finally presses his lips against Zayn’s own. It turns heated very quickly when Liam’s tongue slips between Zayn’s lips and he starts doing that _thing_ with his tongue that makes Zayn go from zero to sixty in just a second. Zayn groans into Liam’s mouth. Liam grinds his hips against Zayn’s again, their cocks aligning perfectly, and Zayn loses all patience. He starts tugging at Liam’s clothes and pulls off his own shirt as soon as Liam moves back a little. 

Liam grins wickedly and then his mouth is suddenly on Zayn’s body. Zayn practically sobs in relief. He can’t believe how turned on he already is. It only gets worse when Liam’s skilful mouth attacks his neck and shoulder. Zayn gasps when Liam bites down in the tendon of his shoulder. Liam is muttering against his skin between kisses. Zayn can barely focus on the words and he only hears them clearly when Liam whispers them directly into his ear. 

"I want you."

When Liam smiles at him, eyes shining and a flush on his cheeks, Zayn heart starts fluttering wildly in his chest. Zayn can’t tear his eyes away from Liam’s and he tangles his fingers with the hair in Liam's neck. It hits Zayn again how fond he is of the boy on top of him. How far they've come in the last few months and how happy it makes him that Liam wants him just as much as he wants Liam. 

He returns Liam's smile and brushes his lips against Liam's. 

"You already have me, Leeyum."


	9. Epilogue

**One Direction again**  
**Part 1: Liam Payne**  
November 29th, 2018 – interview by L. Downes.

A week ago, four men in a conference room made millions of young women all around the world happy with news these women have been waiting on for three years. Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne and Niall Horan announced that they would release another album as the band that brought these four men world fame and millions of adoring fans: One Direction will be back. 

“All faces are turned in the same direction again.” Styles had said during the press conference. The youngest member had chuckled at the terrible pun, while the other three had rolled their eyes in exasperation. A quick search on social media taught me that it is that kind of interaction between the four band members that all of the fans had missed. The rest of the press conference had been filled with easy banter, while Styles, Tomlinson, Payne and Horan had told that they have been working on a new album in secret. I can’t help but look forward to it. It will be interesting to see how they will manage to bring four different music styles together (all four have had quite successful solo albums released during the band’s three-year hiatus) while going back to that typical One Direction sound simultaneously.

In honour of the biggest boyband of the last decade making a revival, I will be interviewing each of the four men separately. The series will finish with an interview with the whole band, on the day their album will be released. 

The first one I got a chance to talk to is Liam Payne (25). Payne immediately makes me feel welcome in his own home as he shows me around parts of the house, before we settle down for the interview. 

**_Thanks for inviting me into your home._**  
Payne: _You’re welcome._

Payne is all smiles as he offers me something to drink and tells me about some of the photographs in the room we’re sitting in. The room seems like a studio of the sorts. I see equipment needed to record music as well as memorabilia from One Direction’s most successful years. Golden and platinum records are hanging on the wall, as well as many pictures of the five original members of the band. Zayn Malik, who left the band in March 2015, is featured in most of them. The photographs show the progression of the band as well the band members growing from boys into young, handsome men. 

When Payne finally sits down in a chair opposite of me, he appears to be a little nervous. I comment on it.  
_It’s been a while since I’ve had to do an interview as part of 1D, you know_ , he says. _But I’m happy to do it._

**_You only released your solo album 8 months ago. Didn’t you think it was a bit soon to get back with the band?_**  
_Well, no. I mean, I made that solo album mostly for me, because I enjoy making music. But I’ve always felt more part of a band than a solo artist, so I was happy to jump back into it as soon as the lads were ready. I can’t believe the reception my album got though. It’s amazing that all those fans wanted to listen to it, even after all this time._

**_From what I gather, One Direction fans are quite loyal._**  
_We have the best fans in the world._ Payne smiles widely. _I know every artist says that, but the support each of us received in the last three years is amazing. I still have to pinch myself sometimes._

**_So you’re not worried about their reaction to the new album?_ **  
_Not worried. A bit nervous though. It’s been three years and we have all grown up a little more. We’ve all had our own music out._

**_Music that’s quite different from One Direction’s previous albums._ **  
_Exactly! We’ve always had our own favourites, our own music styles. Our solo albums gave us a chance to show what kind of music we love. I mean, Harry’s album is more rocky, while Niall got to show off his singer-songwriter qualities. And of course Louis got to show off his own music as well. It’s been quite a trip to bring that all together_

**_So it won’t be a standard pop-album?_**  
_Not standard, no._ Payne chuckles. _Or that’s what I hope, as least. But we’re going back to our roots. I think we managed to find a mix between all of our own styles. I just hope that the fans will enjoy it._

Payne and I talk a little more about the upcoming album, which will be released the week before Christmas. Their first single will be released in a week and Payne is clearly excited about it. He tells about the recording process and the fun they’ve had shooting a video. _It’s like we were a school trip together. I think we messed up the schedule completely, because we were just messing around the first hours._

It’s what all the fans have been hoping for. I ask Payne how he felt about the attention the last few years; many of One Direction’s fans have been worried about the men not being friends anymore. They were only seen together sporadically, but mostly they had seemed to be doing their own thing. It had made people wonder whether they had been friends at all.  
_That kind of attention is still weird._ Payne says softly, as he rubs the back of his neck. _Of course we were friends. Are friends. But we had spent so much time together, most of us felt the need to do our own thing._

**_Most of us?_ **  
_It was weird, just being Liam again, instead of part of a band._

It’s all Payne will say on the subject, but I imagine it had to have been quite an adjustment. Payne continues to tell me more about the new album [see insert] and it’s quite clear how happy he is to be back in the band that he’s been a part of since he was barely 16 years old.

When the interview is drawing close to end and I’m getting ready to leave, I get the biggest reveal of the last hour. Payne is telling me about the band’s plans for the next year when the door of the studio opens. I can’t hide my surprise when Zayn Malik walks in. Malik is visibly thrown off guard by my presence, but he greets me politely. I can feel the tension as the two men look at each other, but then Malik shrugs and Payne grins widely. Before anyone says anything else, I reach for the recorder on the coffee table, thinking the interview is over, when Malik shrugs again and he sits down on the couch. Payne follows him and I take my seat opposite of them. We chat easily for a few minutes, but the way Payne looks at Malik when Malik asks me if I got everything I need for the article shows me that these men are more than just friends. 

Malik joining the last part of the interview is a silent confirmation of rumours that have been surrounding Payne and Malik for almost a year now. After Malik left One Direction, it seemed that there was no contact between Malik and the four other band members. A little over a year ago, a picture surfaced on social media of Payne and Malik having coffee together. The picture caused fans all over the world to be giddy with excitement and rumours started spreading like wildfire, especially after Payne and Malik were seen together more consistently after that first picture. At first people questioned whether the two of them had rekindled their friendship, but it only took a few weeks before stories about the two men being in a relationship started circulating. 

The biggest clue about those rumours having some truth was the fact that no one denied them at all. Neither Payne’s nor Malik’s management replied to questions about it – not even a ‘no comment’. The subject wasn’t blacklisted from interviews, which as a journalist I can tell is a BIG clue; when a topic is blacklisted, it’s usually a sign there’s more to it. However, Payne and Malik decided not to go down that route and they shrugged off questions about their relationship. Neither of them denied it being a relationship though. Six months ago, Payne starting posting a few pictures on his Instagram every now and then of the two of them hanging out. This was considered to be another confirmation that the rumours might be true. 

After a few minutes of chit chat, I decide to take the risk and ask the question that every One Direction fan wants an answer to.

 ** _This is a surprise._**  
I point at the two of them and both Payne and Malik chuckle.  
Malik: _My bad. I thought the interview would be long over._  
Payne: _That’s because you never properly look at schedules anyone ever gives you._

It’s still not an answer, of course, but the look shared between the two men at Payne’s teasing comment says it all. I try again. 

**_I mean that it’s a surprise to find you in Liam’s house._**  
Malik bites his lip. He seems hesitant, but he answers my question anyway. _Not really._

****

**_Oh?_**  
Malik: _I moved in two months ago._

**_So the rumours are true?_**  
Malik: _Yeah._

I ask them why they haven’t come out – pardon the pun – with the news of their relationship before.  
Payne: _It’s something we needed to figure out first, like, before we would give the paps another reason to start following us around. We wanted to keep it to ourselves for a while._  
Malik adds: _We don’t want to make a big deal out of it, either. We’re just two people who…_  
Payne: _Who fell in love._  
Malik: _Who fell in love. Millions of people do it every day._

Those words are likely to make their fans swoon, but I can’t help but be a little critical and I press a little further.  
**_But you’re not most people._**  
Malik looks thoughtful. _True. It’s still something private though._

I agree with Malik, even though we all know it’s not quite that simple when you’re a member and ex-member of one of the world’s most famous bands. When I question them about whether or not I can use the last fifteen minutes for my article, both Malik and Payne nod.  
Payne: _Sure. It’s not something we want to hide._  
Malik: _We just didn’t want to do the whole big-announcement-thing. That’s not…_

Malik’s voice drifts off and I will never know if he meant to say it’s not them or just not him – Malik has been shielding his private life from the public eye vigorously the last four years, with the exception of the odd social media post. Payne is smiling though. I ask them if this means that Malik will be part of the reunion, to which both men shake their heads.  
Malik: _I’ll gladly leave the attention to the other four._

Neither Payne nor Malik comment on the subject any further, although Payne tells me that he convinced Malik to come watch a few shows at least. He is quick to invite me to a show as well and I gladly take him up on the offer. I can only imagine the reaction of fans when they find all five men in the same stadium, even though they will not be on stage together. 

The interview truly comes to an end. Malik seems anxious to leave the room and he shakes my hand firmly before he exits. I thank Payne for the interview, and he offers me an easy smile.  
_It was my pleasure._

I believe him. Payne seems genuinely happy. Happy to be back with the band and, as we now know, happy in a relationship. When I leave the house, I find myself rooting for these two men, as undoubtedly a lot of their fans will as well. 

_One Direction’s album will be released on December 14th. Part two of this series, my interview with Louis Tomlinson, will be published next week_.

***

**_Fin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, I can't believe I actually finished this story. It's been so much fun to write and I really enjoyed creating my own version of Zayn and Liam. I'm well aware that it's nowhere near the truth and if they ever stumble across this story, I apologise for using them so shamelessly. *laughs*
> 
> Thanks to all my readers - the ones who've read, the ones who left kudos and the ones who left a comment. I really appreciate learning what you think of the story. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little figment of my imagination. I'm already working on the next one, which I hope you'll want to read as well. So stay tuned. :)


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